Hazel Distractions
You look my way, I gaze into your eyes
My
reflection is in them, as well as the blue sky
I see
the strange realm on the other side
The air
gets as unbreathable as carbon monoxide
I find
myself standing in a forest rich with trees
I can
hear the gentle leaves whisper back to the humming of the breeze
Never
in all my nineteen have I seen such a stunning shade of green
Nor
have I encountered such a smooth-feeling bark, brown as caffeine
I snap
back to reality, distracted from the flora
The
night inside your iris is illumed by aurora
I'm
still staring at your eyes, my brain is ionized
Do I
keep staring, or would that be unwise?
The
brown inside them is too chocolate-sweet
If I
ever looked away, I would be incomplete
But
what if the realm these portals take me is a deceit
And if
my heart got broken, would it continue to beat?
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140,079 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
Hello. A lot of what I want to say is already said by other amazing members. The amazing imagery and details I am willing to restate on though. I can clearly see this whole thing in my head and what astonishes me is with all of this and with the vocabulary you used it still rhymes! I can tell there is a lot of emotion behind this, but I feel that this is only scratching the surface of what you can go into. Maybe that last comment was more of a personal idea so definitely not that important. Written beautifully!
Thanks for reviewing! Have a great day!
You already have some nice reviews on this, but I remembered recently that I started this review about the time that this piece was posted. So, awhile ago, but props for finishing what I started. However, if this review seems irrelevant (considering the fact that you've most likely improved your writing in the past six months), you can disregard it.
You have a lot of good material here. If I'm to be honest, one of the only things that could use significant improvement is your flow. All four lines of each stanza rhyme, which is immediately apparent to the reader. It sounds more like a rap than a poem, which is alright; the two genres tend to overlap. What makes reading the piece very rocky is your rhythm. You use uneven numbers of syllables, and separate your verses in awkward places. For instance:
I understand what you're aiming for; you really want to accurately represent the effect that the person's eyes have on you. To do that, you think you have to pack in an excess amount of imagery & description, like you're filtering through comparisons and hoping that one of them will work well enough to carry the entire poem. Imagery is great, but it can stifle the power of the message you're communicating when it hinders the way in which your poem progresses. Commas, like most punctuation, act as breathing points. The reader bulldozes through "Never in all my nineteen" and then stumbles over the second line ("smooth-feeling" also causes some stoppage; I would try to find a different term to use).
I would probably suggest for you to regard whatever you're trying to communicate as a story. Right now, this piece is more of an incomplete thought, like your mind is racing furiously. Thus, the narrator sounds like he's going off an a tangent. Naturally, the narrator carries the reader with him. At the end of the poem, I--as the reader--feel like I experienced a mere snippet of your thoughts bouncing around in a pinball machine. You're all over the place. First you're talking about seeing your reflection in the person's eyes (which seems irrelevant, seeing that you don't elaborate on the idea of self-reflection much at all), then about the place that the girl's eyes take you to, and then your fear of looking away, and then about your heart getting broken, and then...
Y'know what I mean? It's Andthenandthenandthenandthen, but there's no backstory or personal detail that connects all of these plot points; nothing that makes the reader care or understand. You focus too much on the eyes, and not enough on the person they belong to. You offer no insight as to why it might be unwise if the narrator was to continue staring, or why the feel like their heart might get broken.
Ultimately, the piece ends in uncertainty. There is no resolution. I feel lost, and winded, like I just spit off four stanzas all in one breath. In your mind, establish the story that you want to tell. And then, shrink the scope of what you want to write. Richard Price said: "The bigger the issue, the smaller you write. Remember that. You don't write about the horrors of war. No. You write about a kid's burnt socks lying on the road. You pick the smallest manageable part of the big thing, and you work off the resonance."
On the other hand, as mentioned in the reviews below, you really do have some beautiful lines that will work fantastically in your piece:
The idea you manage to convey through that line alone is mindblowing. A+ imagery. It's really beautiful. It assures me that with a little work, the poem has soaring potential.
I hope this helped.
Best of wishes
Savvy
I'm not going to disregard any review for any reason. Thank you for taking the time to write it. Have a nice day.
This is by far my favorite poem of yours. :3 I never knew you could be such a romantic, Martin
hehehehe
Thanks ^^
Hey there! InfiniteRectangles here with a review for you!
First, I really really liked this poem. It was so beautifully descriptive and oh, so sweet!
"I snap back to reality, distracted from the flora
The night inside your iris is illumed by aurora
I'm still staring at your eyes, my brain is ionized
Do I keep staring, or would that be ill-advised?"
This is probably my favorite stanza. I just think it's so sweet! However, the last line was a bit strange. Not bad, but it just caught me off guard. You were describing how the speaker feels and all of a sudden there is a question that seems is aimed at me.
"I find myself standing in a forest rich with trees
I can hear the gentle leaves whisper back to the humming of the breeze
Never in all my nineteen have I seen such a stunning shade of green
Nor have I encountered such a smooth-feeling bark, brown as caffeine"
While I love love love the descriptiveness of this stanza, it is a bit long and seems to interrupt the flow of the poem. Maybe you could find a way to shorten it without losing the beauty of it?
I loved the ending of this poem. You really captured the feeling of looking, really looking, into someones eyes and being so immersed in them that you don't know if you can look away. That's really all I have for you! This was a beautiful poem! Keep writing and have a wonderful day/night!
Thanks for reviewing! Have a nice day! ^^
Ahhhh, my favorite candyman! I'm really glad you posted this. It was beautiful, and your amount of imagery was astounding. It made me picture her eyes, and it was easy and hard at the same time. All of your descriptions really provided an insight to exactly what you meant, but I, personally, haven't had the privilege of seeing eyes that are that beautiful. You didn't make it seem fake, you merely made it almost too good to be true, which is good, very good!
I hate to virtually frown on anything in this piece, but the one thing that did trip me up was the following line:
"Do I keep staring, or would that be ill-advised?"
It was just the way it was phrased, I think. The whole poem, it felt like you were describing her eyes, and how they made you feel, but suddenly, it felt like you were asking me for an opinion, or any other readers. It wasn't bad, necessarily, it just threw me off. It very well might be a me-problem.
Other than that little part, I loved it. It was the first thing I had read in a while that truly made me feel what you felt. I could see the trees, and I could feel my lungs seizing up. I could almost feel the breeze on my face, and taste the chocolate (that might have just been any of the three brownies I ate at a party today...).
Thank you for sharing this with YWS, CandyWizard. It was really inspiring, and now I want to go write something.
~Your friend, Caterpickle
Thanks, Caterpickle! I really appreciate this, and you being honest. Now that I'm reading it again, it does seem kinda awkward. I'll change it to what I'd originally written, though the meaning will be preserved and it wouldn't make much of a difference. I just hate screwing up like this and potentially ruining it for the person whose eyes are being described.
Anyway, thanks for reviewing, Caterpickle! You're awesome, and have a nice day!
You didn't ruin it! I didn't mean for it to come across like that, I'm sorry. The only thing that line did was bring me back to the present, from the beautiful place that your poem took me to. It was a different look on how to convey your message, and It did not, I repeat, did not ruin anything.
I adore your reply to the review under this one, just thought I should let you know. It cracked me up! Everything you said in it was totally true though. You are awesome as well, and have a similarly nice day!
Hi CandyWizard jessiebear here to do a review on your work.
And I hope what I say will help you with your work. And I hope what I say is not rood all any thing if it is rood I am very sorry.
What I liked about the poem.
First of This is a grate poem to begin with and the riming is grate to me. And the name of the poem is fantastic that is what made me come here and read your poem so grate job. Okay that was what I liked about the poem.
Okay lets start with the review shell I. Okay this is a grate poem just to let you now just it needs a little bit of patching up.
The first thing witch you need to fixe is the full stops okay I am going to take out some sentences that should have full stops and later you will go and fixe it.
(I see the strange realm on the other side)
(The air gets as unbreathable as carbon monoxide)
(I can hear the gentle leaves whisper back to the humming of the breeze)
(Nor have I encountered such a smooth-feeling bark, brown as caffeine)
(The night inside your iris is illumed by aurora)
(If I ever looked away, I would be incomplete)
Okay those are the ones witch need full stops. Next thing with needs to be fixt is the capital letters And you can not start a sent ins with a and so it should look like this.
(But what if the realm these portals take me is a deceit,
and if my heart got broken, would it continue to beat?)
These you need to fixe.
Any way that is all I have to come planet about on your poem.
So what I have to say is I loved the poem ether why so fantastic and grate job. And I hope you will keep on weighting because I am looking for word to reading more of your work. And I hope you will let me now when you have posted another poem so I can review it are say what I liked about it for you. And I hope you will keep up the good work. And I hope you will keep on writing poems.
And I hope you have a fantastic day are night.
From jessiebear.
Hello, jessie. I appreciate your review, however I hope you don't mind if I point out a few things that I would find incompatible with any review.
I don't know if you deliberately misspelled all those words, but if you did, I seriously suggest that you do not do it in the future at all, to anyone. Not only will you never be taken seriously, but it might come off as insulting to the author. No matter how much time they've spent on it, they have put in the effort to write something, and by mocking it thusly you are bound to get a response like this one at some point.
Next, I would like to address the issue of punctuation. Punctuation and capitalization are never to be criticized, in any work of poetry. Yes, we do know how to write sentences, we do know where to place a capital letter, where a comma, and where a full stop. But in poetry, all those grammatical rules are taken off the table.
I hope you don't take this comment personally, just like I didn't take your review personally. Have a nice day!