Mutiny
We scaled the ravaging waves of blue,
the gale gusted, the sails were chewed.
We tamed the water, made it our thrall,
but now, the darkness comes for us all.
We marched for battle, headed for war,
but we are not cattle, we wanted more.
For king and country we would not fall.
And now, the black sail eclipses us all.
He begged, the captain, he shed a tear.
His legs we tied. Did not listen or hear
him cry, plead for his life, try to call.
The peg and hook lays claim to us all.
We sang and got drunk long after dark,
we greeted the sunrise alive on the bark.
Morning came, we carelessly sprawled.
Skull and crossbones advance for us all.
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139,536 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
Dear CandyWizard,
Wow. 0_o That's all I can say...wow. How did you manage to make every line like the same exact size? It's amazing!
This is my favorite line:
Everyone else seemed to have found anything that needed some fixing up, and I'm not very good at that sort of thing anyway, so I haven't found anything wrong.
This definitely deserves the spotlight!
~Rose
Thanks! This did spend a weekend in the spotlight, but not many people got around to reading it. I also made the poem look like a little wave, if you tilted it counter-clockwise, or if you tilted your head clockwise 90 degrees. ^^
Oh, sorry about that. I guess I know a good poem when I see one then.
I noticed it was in a cool shape, but I didn't realize it was a wave until you brought it to my attention. Very creative!
Hey!
I am not very good at poetry (you may have read some of my poems so you know why xD) so I can't write a review but I'll let you know what I liked. =)
This is a really good poem. I love the adventure and action you portrayed in it. It was well written and flowed really well. I'd say this is one of my favorite poems on YWS. I really liked the first two stanzas but my absolute favorite is the second stanza. It was really enthralling.
Great job and keep writing!
Fire
Thank you so much! This really helps motivate me.
Awesome. Keep at it! =)
Hello, Ashkitten here for a review. First off, i love pirates, and the pirate imagery you gave was definitely very vivid. I loved the way you played with words.
I would put a comma after country.
This is just a suggestion, but i noticed some people have a problem with this line because of the way it sounds. What if you said
And now, the black sails eclipse us all.
By adding an s to sails and taking the s from eclipses, it still keeps the alliteration and most importantly the imagery you were going for, but improves the overall flow of that line.
This line lost me a bit. Was it the captain begging? or was someone begging the captain? Im assuming its the captain because of the title, but its not clear enough for me to be sure so If its "he begged the captain, then lose the comma so it is more clear to the reader.
If it is the captain begging, (which is what makes more sense to me) then just simply state that,
The captain begged and shed a tear.
You could add some imagery here to add to the line Or change it (which is what I would do)
"The captain begged with tears in his eyes."
I understand this has messed up your rhyme scheme but "eyes" could be paired with "cries" to achieve the same idea. so the next line could be.
We tied his legs and ignored his (adj*) cries.
(*you need a good adjective here, was the captain crying pathetically so its,"pathetic cries" or Did you feel his cries were hollow? Something that gives me an idea of how the narrator sees the captain)
That also takes care of the other issue with the poem is that the flow got chopped so you could rhyme that line and finish the thought on the next line, paired with a completely new thought. If you take my suggestion, that awkwardness in the flow will be gone.
Then if you followed my suggestion, you will be able to start the new line a lot cleaner. but the other problem I have with this line is ..."try to call." What exactly do you mean by this? Did he try to call out and his cries fell on deaf ears? Or did he look at his crew and try to call each one to his side? Was he hoping someone outside the ship would hear? Was he calling out to God? Or a deity? Not clear to me so my suggestion is going to only be based on assumption. I think a good way to solve this is to picture the captain pleading for his life, saying whatever he can to spare his existence, and not be killed or made to walk the plank. He, could be bargaining for his life offering gold, or treasure, which fits for me because it adds another element of the pirate life...treasure and greed.
This is just off the top of my head but I know you really want to keep the next line "as is" and so this line will have to rhyme and agree with the next line.
He bribed us with treasure, as he tried to stand tall.
Be careful of tenses. It already happened as you have kept with the past tense in the rest of this poem, so this line needs to also be in the past tense. It should read.
The peg and the hook laid claim to us all.
The last stanza...
There should be a comma after drunk, and period after dark. Capitalize "we" in the start of the next line.
A comma belongs there after sunrise.
I have to say the word advance seems out of place for me. I would say
Skull and crossbones set forth for us all.
Meaning the same thing as advanced but more piratey...
Or
Skull and crossbones raised for us all.
Meaning the black flag, as in also what it represents, to (kill, steal, and plunder.)
I like the second suggestion for that line I made because so many times I watch shows or movies or read books that someone is a pirate and they do something dishonest and people are shocked and then the pirate says...hello, Im A pirate...
So by setting the imagery of them raising a skull and crossbones flag after a mutiny, it kinda reminds the reader what a pirate is and what kind of life they live. yes, they killed their captain but hellloooo they are pirates. Pirate do that sort of thing, its just what they do. Haha. Well i love it and i hope you found my suggestions helpful. I enjoyed reading it and I look forward to reading and reviewing more of your writing. Have a fantastic day!
Thank you for the review.
Now, I saw some confusion mustering, and I just have to clear things up.
The captain sailed for battle, but his men did not want to possibly die for some man sitting on a throne, on shore, back home. So, they revolted, they killed their captain. They were no longer headed for battle, no longer headed for death. They stayed up all night to celebrate, and by the time morning came, they lowered their guard. This poem is about one of those sailors. This poem is his train of thoughts after he notices the pirate ship. And the ship is so close, that its black sails block the sun. In every stanza he reveals a part of what happened. At the end of each stanza, he breaks back to reality, hence the change of tenses.
"He begged, the captain, he shed a tear." This was mentioned by someone else as incorrect. Of course, this sentence would not be found in anything official, such as documents or books. But that's just it, it's a guy talking to himself in his head. I think you could find this structure said a million times by fictional characters, as well as in real life.
"For king and country we would not fall." I would not put a comma after this, because that completely changes the meaning of the sentence.
"And now, the black sail eclipses us all." I actually had the "s" right after "sail", but I deliberately switched it because I thought it relayed a stronger message.
"him cry, plead for his life, try to call." It doesn't matter what he called, because the sailors didn't hear him. He just called. A muffled sound, nothing more.
"The peg and hook lay claim to us all." Again, the tenses switch because he breaks into reality, and sees the approaching pirates.
As for the last stanza, I agree that I should have placed a full stop after "dark", therefore capitalizing the second "We". And I think having and not having a comma after sunrise does not make a difference grammatically speaking.
And finally, "Skull and crossbones advance for us all." I really liked your suggestion "Skull and crossbones raised for us all." It completely fits the meaning of the pirate ship coming at the sailors.
Thank's for sparing the time to read my poem, and to write this lengthy review! All of it is much appreciated, because you made me question every word I wrote. You made me think back to the time when I was writing it (just over 27 hours ago). You made me look at it with fresh eyes, and remember what my thoughts were when I wrote each line. Thank you for that. Have an amazing day yourself!
Glad to hear my poem made you think about your writing. I didn't expect you to change it all, but remember that the confusion comes from the poem itself not being clear enough. You can explain it, and now I see it a lot more clearer, but the clarity doesn't find itself in this poem. I love the idea of it, and I love it for every reason I love a good pirate poem or story, but I would really consider some criticism as trying to help you and not having to defend why you did what you did and why. The flow is off at the end and I was merely offering you suggestions to help you improve it or spark ideas that will help you fix it on your own. I feel like if you could fix some of the confusion and the weird flow at the end, then it would skyrocket this poem from good to phenomenal.
Hey there.
This poem is really nice. I really admire the way you really are good with the rhyme. Most of the things that I think you might want to work on has already been said by the last person.
I was thinking you could say:
And now, the black sail ENCLOSES us.
I am not saying that the one you chose:
And now, the black sail eclipses us all.
Just that you could use this one too. I am not so sure about the word choice thrall, although FaeHope already said that on her review.
Morning amen, we carelessly sprawled.
Really nice sentence. I loge this poem really much. Its a perfect rhyme, but tak it to mind that you don't have to have every single sentence rhyming. Also, don make it to complicated.
Wonderful Poem.
I have to ask, how did you ever come UP with the idea of this poem????
I love it!!!!!!!!!!! Keep up this amazing work.
Farwell, and this is outrageous work {In a good way of course}
See ya soon and keep writing!
Curiosity227
Thank you so much!
About how I got the idea, here goes: I was watching Battlestar Galactica a couple of hours ago Someone named Lee pointed a gun at his superior officer, Colonel Tigh, who said: "This is mutiny, you know that." Something clicked, and I just wrote it
I really liked your poem. It tells in interesting story and is well crafted. I admire the work you put into the rhyme and the meter of the poem. The development is also well done. I like how it starts with a militaristic tone and slowly becomes befitting a pirate.
Just a few things to think about. I'm not quite sure about the use of the word "thrall" in the 3rd line. It might just be an older use of the word that I'm not familiar with but you might want to check. Personally, I would also say "The captain, he begged, he shed a tear." instead of "He begged, the captain, he shed a tear." Just some stuff for thought.
On the whole really, really good. I liked it a lot.
Write on.
Thanks a lot for the review!
I googled Thrall, and it means a servant or a slave. Though I was not sure myself of how properly I used it when I did.
The thing with the captain is that when structured this way, the rhymes fit a little better, and since it's structured as if a guy's telling it, I didn't think it would pose a problem.
Don't worry, you used it properly.
I always heard "thrall" used as in 'has you in her thrall,' before. I guess I learned something new today!!
Hey Candy-
does that mean death advances farther for all of them? I like how you let this part rhyme that was my favorite part about it. Well thats all I have to say I hope that you continue you writing I would like to see a novel made by youWell first i would like to say that this is a great poetry piece.
I would like to know what were you thinking when your wrote this specific peace because it seems like you were thinking about war. On the last part
Thanks a lot for taking the time to read my poem! I put quite a bit of effort in it.
Actually, It's a little weird that I wasn't thinking about war when I started writing it, but that's what it turned out to be about. ^^
xD okay well continue to write
I took the talk about war meaning that theae guys used to fight for their country as soldiers and the black flag and the pirate code appealed more to them so they decided to succumb to it. They became pirates fighting under their own flag and no longer for king and country.
wow