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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
1. Great rhyming. Not corny at all
2. Horrifying and chilling message--not the poetry I'm used to, but wow--I liked it.
3. The repetitive phrases were interesting and you utilized them well.
4. Wonderful use of vocab. I love vivid and interesting words. You did this very well.
5. Excellent transitions
6. You don't have any unnecessary words or phrases. You made everything count.
This was a very interesting poem. I liked it a lot. Keep writing.
Thanks, Purple!
Whoa~
This poem was very intersting!
I love how you started out with the tick-tock in the beginning of every sentence or shyme! This is a very good poem, very mysterious. Great job!
I didn't really see anything wrong with it! great job and keep writing!
Thanks!
A horror poem. Interesting.
First and foremost, the repetition in this poem was a bit of a far-cry from effective. Generally, when looking at a more horror-ish poem with this type of sing-song quality, there would be small variances in how those repetitious lines go forth. For instance, theres usually some form of a count down, like '1, 2, he's coming for you' which is a little spooky but also cleverly written. The choice of repeating the same line over and over again can be a little forbearing and unnecessary.
Which brings me to feel as if I should critique every other line rather than the entirety of it. So why don't we place those together first and see what it brings forth without the clock gimmick.
There really isn't much here, when looking at it in this light. The content is straightforward and sort of lacking a lot of the more intricate facets that would make this really powerful or interesting. It's almost like you're telling a quick summarized story of how this person was killed, which isn't horrific in any way, though, I suppose, the idea of it all is rather morbid. Just, morbidity will only get you and this so far. Paired with the fact that a lot of the hard and soft syllables don't connect, the lines seem jagged and uncomfortable.
So tell me what's really special about this? What makes this really original, other than the repetition of that forbearing and near burdensome line? Not really much.
My suggestion would be to take this back to the drawing board. If you're going for sing-song, rhyming poetry with the content more based on the fluidity of the poem than the aesthetic content, I would try to stay away from the gimmicks.
~ Walker
Thanks for your input.
I must confess that I do not enjoy poetry. I have never found myself attracted to it in any way. However, this one is not one of those "complain about you life" or a "lovey dovey" poem. It is real, thrilling and scary. I love the repetition of this clock that is counting down the end to this persons life. It really sets the tone for the rest of the poem. It is dark and macabre, but I enjoy dark poems. The words you used for your rhythms were the right choices and I loved the transition from serenity to intensity. Overall, this poem is top notch and I applaud you for your work. Please keep me posted. Happy Writing!
Thank you! In all honesty, even though I write poetry, I don't like a lot of it either.
This poem is very spooky, and for me it wasn't the theme of it either. What scared me the most was how the poem actually made itself increase in pace; I found myself reading it much faster as the plot progressed and it edged ever closer to the climax and ending. I think it would have added that chilling touch if the poem had ended with another line of
as it would make it seem that the tick-tocking of the clock is much an omen (well I already knew that, but I think it sends a chill down the spine of the reader).
One thing I noticed when I read this was the starts of the sentences, and how there was very little variation in the poem. Most of them began with 'I', but those that didn't had no visible pattern, and that stuck out to me. Perhaps you should try to integrate a pattern of different sentence starters or use a wider range of them.
Overall there was a wide use of vocabulary, even though you were bound by a rhyme scheme and syllable count, but 'frozen' was used twice, so avoid using the same word if it is a descriptive one, because even if it's only used twice people will spot it fairly easily. Aside from that, the rhymes worked will and didn't seem forced or overly thought out, which is good (we all know forced rhymes sound terrible), so I liked that too.
One last criticism: this line
put me off a lot, because not only does it stick out on the page, but the syllable count for the line suddenly expands, which doesn't happen anywhere else in the poem. That was probably the main thing I didn't like in the poem, but for the most part I loved it- tense and terrifying- brilliant.
I'd love to read more stuff like this!
Regards
DNX
Thanks for reading. This is the completely unedited version, so there will definitely be more revisions to come. Thanks for your input! By the way, if you ever need a review just pm me.
This was honestly one of the best things I've read on this site. I didn't see it coming that it was a horror poem. The only thing I didn't like was "I see the knife caught in light gleam." The only reason I didn't like it was, it messed with the flow of the rest of the poem a little bit but otherwise really good work!
Thank you! I noticed that that line messed up the rhythm too, I just couldn't find a way to make it work. By the way, if you need a review just let me know.
Very good.
That was a very well written poem with good rhyming and a chilling message.
The best part of this poem was that there were no spelling mistakes and it all fitted together perfectly.
I enjoyed the chilling repetitive phrase tick tock goes the clock and it really made this piece of work unique.
Well done on this
Keep writing.
Thanks, Finick!