Young Writers Society

Hello there, Cailey here with a review!
Alright, nice poem, nice topic. So true that there are too often people in power who know nothing about the people they rule over. You do a nice job of telling the reader this and explaining that even if the queen saw what was happening she would just forget.
I have a few nitpicks, so here they are.

"become liquidescent" A lot of times people tell you to use big fancy vocab and it will make your writing sound better. In this case, at least, I disagree. I think that having this giant word that I can't even pronounce (okay, so maybe I'm exaggerating a little about the bigness of it) in any case, it doesn't seem to fit. It's just stuck there on the end of the line and I don't think it belongs. It's the kind of word that the snotty-doesn't-care-about-her-people kind of queen would use, not the kind of word that people against that queen would know.

"If you could only see the horrors you have caused, just for one hour." Just for one hour seemed out of place here. It interrupts the flow of your poem, and while I know that it fit the rhyme scheme and goes with the poem, it also ruins the rhythm. Maybe you can find a way to fix that without compromising the other?

"For this reason the lethean queen always forgets, and hides the truth deep below."
This isn't necesarily a bad sentence, but it's not a great ending. It's longer than the others, it sounds awkward, and it doesn't really tie in the poem. I mean, the idea of it does, but it's also just not worded as well as it could be.

Hope this all made sense and helped!

I think you did a really good job on this. I like the rhyme; however, a few times the flow is interrupted by the syllables, which I will point out below.

The lethean queen, how little she knows,
About her subjects, about thier woes.

Earning a meager ten cents' a day,
They long for the day thier cruel queen will pay.

Dissenters of your reign are killed, become liquidescent,
An example to all whom are present.

For truth is the worst thing to know,
For this reason the lethean queen always forgets, and hides the truth deep below.

Hey there Pencil! Dogs here with your review. Let me just say congratulations on submitting to the poetry contest, I believe you are the last or the second to last submission. Also, do note that all of my comments are extreme nit picks, because everything I've read is so incredibly good that I really got to do some nit picking to find stuff that's wrong. Let's dive in to it now shall we?

To start, good use of "lethean" here, I certainly didn't expect it to be used in this manner and it definitely put a different spin from what I was expecting on the piece, I always love a good spin. Smooth use of the word here, nice job. Quick little note here, you don't have to capitalize every single line of the sentence, it is just more visually stimulating to look at a variation of sizes in capitals and lower case letters. Just me tho and entirely up to your own discourse.

"Of the sulfurous pits in which men work,"

Good smooth use of "sulfurous," doing a swell job of incorporating your prompts into your poem smoothly. So far your rhyming hasn't been an issue, but it falls of the wagon a tiny bit. I'll get there in a moment.

"the poisonous gas and... "

Ok, super nit picky, but I think you could use a stronger word instead of "poisonous" that is less syllables also. Maybe try "toxic, noxious, vitriolic," Just throwing out random ideas here.

"They long for the day thier cruel queen will pay."

I'm not sure why, I think that this line bugs me because of the word choices and the length in comparison with the last line. In rhyming poetry you have to be careful about keep the lengths of each line relatively the same, otherwise the poem loses it's rhythm in the rhyming. Also I think you could find a stronger word than "cruel," maybe "sadistic," or "savage" or something along those lines.

"Dissenters of your reign are killed, become liquidescent,"

Firstly, it's liquescent, simple misspelling error and not a huge deal. Also, this is the only time that your given word sounds a little out of place and forced. It sounds like your just using it as a substitute for "liquid." Try looking up this word and seeing how it's used in different sentences and try to incorporate it into your piece a little bit more smoothly. Although excellent job on all the other words. Great vocab with "dissenters."

Love your use of "pallor" here, used smoothly and like it just belongs in your poem. Excellent job there.

"If you could only see the horrors you have caused, just for one hour."

This line is far too long in comparison to your poem. Try to cut down the words wherever possible. Maybe try saying: "If she could see the horrors caused, just for an hour"

"and if you do finally remember"

This is the only time where your plot seems a little out of it, just because I'm not sure what "you" is remembering. Also I assume the "you" is towards the lethean queen, but I'm not positive. Also, if you are referring to the queen, you have to refer to her as "you" throughout the entirety of the poem.

The last line is a great line to end it on, but the only problem I have is that it's unusually long in comparison to the rest of the poem. Try to omit all useless words in that line whenever possible. All and all some great writing, excellent use of the words and incorporating it into your writing. Enjoyed reading your poem Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh