A small, white feather flutters,
Forgotten in the corner.
Kept from flying away
Only by the dirt that entraps it,
That holds it down where it is.
A small, pale boy fidgets,
Forgotten in the corner.
Kept from flying away
Only by the life that entraps him,
That holds him down in reality.
This small white feather
Grows darker from the dirt,
Staining it every second,
Until it is no longer recognizable.
This small, pale boy's mind
Grows darker from the pain,
Staining it every second,
Until he is no longer recognizable.
A small, brown feather lies there,
Fluttering frantically,
But no one notices.
A small, tarnished boy stands there,
Asking for help,
But no one notices.
The small, brown feather
Gets caught in a gust of wind.
The small, tarnished boy
Gets caught in a burst of pain.
The small, brown feather flies away.
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140,376 Literary Works • 673,126 Reviews
THIS IS AMAZING!
I love how real it is! I love how you compare the feather and him, and how true it is to some people's lives!
I really want to know what happens to the boy though... Is he found, or saved. Or does the pain stop? Or does it continue on for the rest of his life? I would really like to know... Or does the feather flying away represent his escaping?! If so, THAT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE! I love how you kind of hinted at it, and you didn't say it directly away!
WRITE MORE! I would love to hear more from you!
If you really want to know...... he commits suicide. He flies away.
Thanks for the review, and I'm glad you liked it. I'll definitely post more stuff.
Hey! Retro here for a review
First i'll do some nitpicks then talk about what I liked, okay?
The first thing I want to suggest is to break this into stanzas. I feel as though you have natural breaks in the piece and it would suit better into multiple stanzas. Soif i were you i'd have a read through and consider putting them in
The other thing is punctuation. You have lots of sentences but no full stops so i'd put them in. It is neccesary to do so but in my opinion you should do
My third comment is imagery. you use a lot of repetition in the poem which is great and works well but because it is repetition it needs more to back it up. You say the feather has become brown, but you could make it so much more dramatic and carry a punch. "it gets stained every second, dust and dirt crawl between every fibre and strand until it is no longer recognisable" Something like that little extra bit I think would make this poem great.
But this was actually a pretty good poem! I liked your comparison and it was well done. you have a solid idea going through and it is rather well written. I also love how you did the end with have a comparison and because you compare through the piece and then you leave it hanging it is so much more powerful.
Great job,
here if you need me.
~Retro
Thanks Retro!
I actually did mean to break it up into stanzas, but for whatever reason my computer freaked out on me. I added punctuation in as well. As far as the lines go, I didn't add any more to the lines because I wanted to have similar line lengths, and now that the stanza structure is one line, one line, two lines, two lines, etc., I also wanted to keep the number of lines and words the same.
Thanks for the review!
Oops, I meant the stanzas are 5, 5, 4, 4, etc.