What Happened

This was very generic. There isn't much about the narrator, except that he loved some girl and she doesn't love him. You haven't made anyone care, and that's the problem. There are no examples to show why the narrator is so absolutely misreable. The ryhmning scheme was good, very subtle, except in the verse "just get out of my heart/it (shouldn't it be "you"?) hurts me so much/When will death start (EMO alert!!)?

When responding, please remember that you are critiquing the poem, not the previous commenters. Please keep on topic. Now on to the poem!

The thing about this poem is that it assumes we as readers know what it's talking about. It assumes we're well acquainted with why "it could never be" or that we know "what happened to the love we used to share" when in fact, we're just semi-objective outsiders. Give us more history; why are the last two lines significant? Anyone can be hurt romantically, but why is this different? Why is it something that's being shared? Make it mean something to others as well as yourself.

Happy writing!

ok, these should be in lyrics, but NOT for the jonas brothers. this is way over the jonas brothers' head. they couldn't pull it off.

max... youre out of your mind... and yes they should be lyrics.. perhaps for the joanas brothers new hot single.. your lovin is the cure... from their debut album, "you hurt me much, why you gotta hurt me such so much?"

[quote="Nolan"]Oh, what happened >>great start
To the love we used to share?
It makes me so saddened
When it's only your name I hear.

Oh, look at me now,>>> I liked this paragraph
The man who loved you so.
It never could be;
Baby, I didn't know

I can't dream tonight,
I just can't cry anymore.
Look at my face, too teary for sight.
I have a heart, unbearably sore.>>>Um... yeah this is OK but it just doesn't seem to POP! For me.

I can't live without you:
This I know for sure.
I want to die without you;
Your lovin' is the cure.>>> LOVE this keep it

Just get out of my heart;
It hurts me so much.
When will death start?>>>>I really hate it when people try to rhyme Heart with something.

I loved you such,
But you hurt me so much.[/quote]>>>The ending.... you had a great begging, but terrible ending no no no no no.
__________

Hey, my name is Max, sorry for distroying your poem, POEM (keyword) this should be in lyrics, not other poetry get someone to move it because c'mon someone could sing this it wasn't meant to be said. I think you started off strong but your ending made you go downhill, and I know this probably isn't exactly what you wanted to hear, but at least I'm not just going to say "ooh I liked it, it was um... nice." I'm actually going to tell you what you did wrong and what I think anyways, the wording didn't exactly catch me off guard, all romantic poetry **crosses out word 'poetry'*** all romantic lyrics are the same it's either

"blah blah blah I can't go on without you. I need you baby. Please come back, omg I'll change. Your ripped my heart apart."

Don't do it! It drives other people insane! We can't stand it! It's annoying and overused. Use something like,

"You hurt me and I'll never forgive you, the choice was yours."

Whatever floats your boat, really I'm just giving you my opion but then again that's just me. Anyways sorry to be so harsh dude, good luck keep writing, and I'll see you around.

As always
-Max

ok so this poem is like romantic and painful and heartbreaking all at once. some of the parts didn't work, but a lot of the parts did. this is great and it sounds like it's coming from the heart great job

happy writing

Well, I'll just be honest. The rhyming scheme worked, but I feel that the scheme actually drained the poem a bit. I think the piece would've done better as lyrics rather than a poem. Just consider that; i'm not saying that it SHOULD be lyrics...

otherwise, looking at it from a positive light, it declares the message easily without tap-dancing around the reader; so that's something I appreciate greatly.