I can’t stand all this lying.
I can’t stand all this blame.
I’ve already started my dying,
Ash and I will soon be the same.
I can’t live much longer,
In this prison, not my own,
All the demons are getting stronger,
All I am is skin and bone.
Nobody can save me:
Neither Allah nor the lamb.
Into the future I can see,
And my soul is truly damned.
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I liked how this flowed and sounded, but there was something missing. I wish it was a verse or two longer so I could get more of a feel for what the poem was about. I think that you need to add some metaphors, give us a sense of what this person is feeling, not just abstract dispair.
You have some very nice lines in here, including:
All the demons are getting stronger
and:
Neither Allah nor the lamb
Both of these are unique and pique your interest. Extend that type of writing to the rest of the piece. Don't settle for stock lines.
Also, you don't need a space between each line. Single-spaced would make it easier to read.
You have an intersting start here, keep working on it!
Hm, I like this. It's simply and prettily written, and flows quite nicely. One thing I would change is the 'my' in the fourth line. Seems out of place and disrupts the line, imo.
Other than that, the only suggestion I have is to expand a little bit; right now it sounds a little too selfish and angsty, especially the 'no one can save me' line. Whereas if there were more of story, or situation, it would be less vague, more unique/original/creative.
Like I said, very well-written, I just wish there was something below the surface of the content that the reader could dive into.
-Mars