I really enjoyed the fact that it seemed like floating in the dark... like thoughts that come to you as you're falling asleep. I think the style flows well and I didn't have a problem pausing at the end of each line. I really think it's just fine the way it is. But, if I absolutely had to criticize something about it, I would have to say I found the part where you said-
"That just goes on and on
And on and on for the rest"
felt a tiny bit tedious. if it was cut out one "and on" it would be a little bit more compelling. Overall I thought it was really awesome and I think you are definitely a deep and heartfelt writer.
Points: 890
Reviews: 8
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