okay, thanks.
i'll work all of it in as soon as i get a chance.
again, thank you.
z
I stare down the barrel;
My eyes start to flood;
What happened to not caring?
Why am I covered in blood?
I'd left it all behind,
But I've begn again.
Should I blow my mind,
Or let the evil in?
I can't think about you;
I might not pull the trigger.
You aren't the person I knew.
The bullet's getting bigger.
I want it all to stop,
Just freeze up time.
I see my blood drop;
Dying and writing this rhyme.
I don't want to be alone
Inside my own prison.
I have broken the drone;
All my dreams have arisen.
i pretty much agree with everyone else on pretty much everything...
especially the whole 'dying while writing this rhyme' thing. that sort of set me off.
i'd change it entirely..
overall, great work!
keep it up!!!
-GC10
Hey, I've seen that you're new here for a while and I thought I should get my teeth into some of your poetry. You've progressed very well in the short time that you've been here, so kudos!
This didn't particularly strike a chord with me emotionally, probably because I didn't find it wholly original or thought provoking enough to really speak to me. I am going to commend you on the structure and most of the rhyme scheme. I felt like you handled it well and didn't make it much of an issue.
I liked this line:
I stare down the barrel;
My eyes start to flood;
But I've began again.
Or let the evil in?
I can't think about you;
I might not pull the trigger.
You aren't the person I knew.
The bullet's getting bigger.
I want it all to stop,
Just freeze up time.
I see my blood drop;
Dying while writing this rhyme
I don't want to be alone
Inside my own prison.
I have broken the drone
And my dreams have arisen.
I gotta agree with those other people."dying while writing this rhyme" just kinda threw me off.
I think you should do as professerrabbit said or just change the line all together.great poem though.I really liked it.
As always I am blown away by your poetry. You should really think about publishing a poetry book or something because you're amazing. Your poems are short but they are really powerful. You make a big impression with little words and I think that in time there won't be a person who doesn't know your name. I didn't see any grammatical errors or anything so all in all, bravo
Keep writing,
Angel
Hi Nolan; welcome to YWS! This poem covers a rather tricky subject. Because of the subject matter, I've bumped the rating to PG-13. Now, let's look at a few things up close:
I'd left it all behind,
But I've began again.
Should I blow my mind,
Or let the evil in?
I can't think about you;
I might not pull the trigger.
You aren't the person I knew.
The bullet's getting bigger.
I want it all to stop,
Just freeze up time.
I see my blood drop;
Dying while writing this rhyme.
I don't want to be alone
Inside my own prison.
I have broken the drone
And my dreams have arisen.
Very well done and powerful. A few things that have already been stated, yeah, it should be "begun"...
Also,
I want it all to stop,
Just freeze up time.
I see my blood drop;
Dying while writing this rhyme.
Only one thing:
"Dying while writing this rhyme"
The words "while writing" slow down the rhythm of this poem. I'd suggest something like this:
"Dying as I write this rhyme."
That aside, this poem was very well-written. Here's my favorite line:
"Should I blow my mind
Or let the evil in?"
I don't think it's necessary to have commas on the ends of lines in poetry, as the line break suggests everything that the comma does. Oh, and as the previous reviewer stated, "began" should be "begun" in the second line of the second stanza.
I'm not a big poetry buff, but I love when things flow in nice, rhythmic rhymes, and your poem is a perfect example of this. Keep up the good work!
Short but powerful. Well done for a well constructed poem
But I've began again. --- Or let the evil in?
Points: 890
Reviews: 48
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