So many lives taken;
Not one smile.
So many souls forsaken;
It's been a while.
The razors lay stained,
And the pills are gone.
The blood's been drained;
It didn't take too long.
The blood lies still,
But the wound goes deep.
Through all sweeps a chill,
And all begin to weep.
A young pair of lovers
Slain by their own hands.
It's them the blanket covers:
Off to the Promised Land.
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142,214 Literary Works • 676,891 Reviews
This poem was intense. I haven't read anything like it before and I thought that it was very good and I think that you are such an incredible writter. I love how there is so much power in just one poem. I hope to read more stuff from you.
Keep up the great work
very interesting. I must admit that i wasn't sure whether you were being metaphorical about the blanket (i feel like an idiot for admitting it!), but i liked the poem. It was short, and to the point with a clear theme, which is very positive!
My only critisism/suggestion really, is to take out the third stanza. I don't know why, but it feels awkward, and i don't think it's needed. The poem would stand well without it.
Please consider. It's just a suggestion. Also, it detracts a little from the stanza before, because you repeat the word blood.
that's all. I really liked the poem, and will keep an eye out for you other stuff.
best of luck!
from charlie.
Hello, Nolan!
I think this has quite the potential to become a great piece. I have a few nit-picks, however.
This is an OK start for the poem. I just feel that the last line breaks the flow because of its length.
Again, the same thing as above. And do "gone" and "long" rhyme? Hmm.
You use the word "lies" two times here, watch it so it won't be redundant. Now the flow breaks on the third line; you'll notice what I mean when you read it out loud.
This is my favourite stanza. I love the lovers-covers thing, it's so easy but still pretty.