The parasite in my brain
Creeps closer and closer.
It's driving me insane,
And my mind boils over.
Into the pot that is my soul:
Growing large, getting old.
Becoming a great, gaping hole;
More than once, it's been sold.
Leaving land, letting go.
Fair winds taking flight.
In my heart, this I know:
I have lived my final night.
Waiting at the station
For my train to come 'round.
Fierce and black, unanimation.
Rolling over my soul, with no sound.
*I know unanimation is not a word. I'm using it here to mean it's in the process of being un-animated.
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140,626 Literary Works • 673,567 Reviews
'Lo Nolan!
Gee! Just post something absolutely flawless and without mistake so none of us can fix anything, whydontcha?
But that unanimation, it isn't a word, and I know you know that, so I would suggest finding a different word, just so people can better, what's the word, ah, understand.
~The parasite in my brain
Creeps closer and closer.~
Is this about cancer, maybe?
Great job! *Goes off to look at your other poetry*
-Sadie
Wow.. today was a good day. Now ill have to go back to bed and cover my head with a sheet and rock slowly. That was depressing... but that was obviously the mood you were hitting for so... Success!
<- I Don’t know… to me “this” runs a bit smoother.<- Closer to what? I don’t get how it creeps closer to your insanity; you creep closer to insanity, not the parasite.
<- is the closeness driving you insane or the parasite...
(OK so this whole stanza was a bit confusing, it thought I was going to burst a brain vessel over-thinking.)
<- evocative imagery.
<- Sold? I don’t know how that fits in… Does the hole get sold? Or do you see growing old as sales pitch that people buy into?
<-an obvious metaphor for death… nice to show and not tell, good work. But do you mean it as physical land, or a metaphor for earth?
I have lived my final night. <- by FAR and away my favourite stanza.
Waiting at the station
For my train to come 'round.
<- Who’s a what’s now? Is that a word?
<-You build up the suspense and the hit us with a word like rolling. Use something more finite, like crushing or mashing
It was a nice poem, but the meaning was a bit vague. You tried to make it too poetic and completely lost the meaning.
7/10 - nice imagery, but very confusing. Good work, hope to read more of your work soon.
personally, i was a tad lost throughout this poem, but you concept was deep...i guess... or my level of comprehension is very limited.
this piece is very dark, and i'm not sure exactly what to say. it made me think on what it could be representing. if it was representing anything, anyway.
i liked it all, but do agree with the others on just about everything.
just one final thought;
your imagery is amazing and blew me away--as it so often does!
-GC10
Hey! There were some great lines in this poem but a couple that raised questions or could be improved.
These lines didn't quite make sense to me, because if the parasite is in his brain, how much closer can it get? Closer to what?
I've read a few of your poems and you always do well with rhyming - 1 with 3 and 2 with 4, in this case. Unfortunately, this comment risks messing that up, but I think 'driving me insane' is just too over-used. Although 'boils over' is as well, you expand on the image in the next stanza, so it works.
I don't think the punctuation is correct in this stanza but I'm at a loss as to how to restructure it.
I like this stanza. But in the last line, how about something simpler like 'I have lived my final night'? It would better fit the rhythm.
Hope this helps!
I like the way you write. This was a very dark poem but the creativity made it shine. When you read a poem you should be able to also read a story. Here I see a guy who let life corrupt his mind and then finally his soul. To pure his body of his problems he decides to end his life, namely by letting a train run over him.
My favorite line was:
Even though its simple, its simple in a good way. It started off the poem nicely and it just made you want to read more.
Problems:
Well I didn't see any problems and your words were fantastic but I think this needs to be longer. Usually poems are able to be short and to the point but poems like this need more detail, facts. As I said before, poems tell stories and although I know the cause and the effect what about the big picture. Making it longer is just my suggestion but other than that I liked it.
Good Job and Keep Writing
Angel:D