Young Writers Society

Hiya Nightlyowl! Here to review~

My first impression when I read this was that I thought there was some fantastic imagery, it really helped paint a picture. Although the picture in my head was not of zombies, I thought of something more beautiful and to me zombies just seem gruesome. Either way though, good descriptions, and even if I didn't actually fully understand what you were reviewing, it still put a picture in my head.

I think my main critique here is the rhyming. I don't think it was necessarily needed here, and it kind of distracted from the beautiful imagery you've created. I'm quite new to the whole poetry thing, and for ages I only really liked poems that rhymed and I didn't quite 'get' other poems, but now I'm finally seeing it, and rhyming really isn't necessary. Sometimes, it didn't even rhyme properly.

And in the dark, when No One’s looking –
Breath will halt until they’re choking.7

Hello Night. Jordin here with a review. I hope it helps you out.

Well the secound to last line made no sense I would try to re write it or just cut it all of the way out other wise...


Also all of these "------" are getting really annoying I would replace them with commas.

And less periods more Commas.

black as ebony skies,

Love the profile picture, I used to have that as a profile pic on a different site xD I'm secretejournalist, but feel free to call me Brie! I follow anyone I review, so consider yourself followed.

On to the review..

The dashes, what are they there for? They bug me .. like.. a lot! I am sure you know how to fix the format though I guess I will critique what I have to work with.

First off, besides formatting, I see 5 sentences, but a whole lot more capitalization. It will be easier to spot once you take out those pesky dashes.

Second off, what I am supposing is the last sentence, is pretty confusing "Always Living, always dead, never living, never dead. " It kinda ruins the nice ring the rest of the poem has.

Third off, (is that correct grammar? ... oh well!) , I would like to see more descriptive and imagery into the poem. Like why is no one looking? Why is the breath halting. Explain yourself through description and imagery .

But overall, this poem has a lot of potential, and it is your mission to let it shine! Great job overall, and a good title. You managed to take a gross, scary thing, and put it to something wonderfully awesome and elegant. Please keep writing. Pretty please! I promise I will keep reading *pink promises*

~SecreteJournalist

Hi nightlyowl! Way to steal my name Haha just kidding! But anyway, niteowl here from Team Dreamwave to get this out of the Green Room.

Overall, I love this. It just sounds so awesome read out loud. The rhyming works very well too. In fact, I'm finding this hard to critique. Just a couple things.

I didn't get the dashes either. They seem to break up lines that read out loud sound much better without a pause. Obviously poets can play with grammar and such but I agree with malinda that more conventional punctuation would suit the piece better.

Second comment-why did you capitalize No One and Final? Fated, I understand, as you're naming a group. But I don't see the need to emphasize these words.

Overall, lovely piece, just some nitpicks. Great job and keep writing!

I love the flow of this and the sing-song quality of the poem. You have managed to take a topic that has in my mind become cliché and kind of cheesy (when I think of zombies I mostly think of nasty horror films- I'm not a zombie fan) and turn it into something elegant which is difficult to do. The rhyming really helps set the tone for the poem and the story you are trying tell.

If I was going to critique anything it would be the format, I don't understand the dashes, it kind of made the poem a little difficult to read. I feel maybe commas would have been more effective to separate the phrases and the words.