Young Writers Society

Hey Owl, I'm June,

I love the tone you set forth at the beginning of this poem. It's builds suspense, and you managed to carry it through until the end of your poem.

Of the things I didn't like about this poem, I didn't understand the use of dashes throughout the poem, which usually signifies a sharp break and change in the flow of things. Here, however, it feels like the majority of these dashed could stand to be replaced with commas to keep the flow of the poem moving at a steady rate.

I do want to point out:

But don’t you trust them – shinning beauty!—
Fore they’re just phantoms that you hear.

Wow! Impressive work! I love the form. You have a great flow, and I absolutely love the simple rhyming scheme you have going on.
One thing though: The second to last stanza is a bit....off? shaky? Something like that.

Quote:

"Do not shy – my brave young beauty –
From the light of gleaming stars
Just stand up to clawing fingers
Trying hard to tear you down.
There’s a chill – my dearest Lilly
Carried on a howling wind,
Screeching curses – snarling lies –
The tainted breath of those who sinned."

The line in bold(4th from top) seems out of place. When I read it, it makes me think of the end of the stanza or poem. I don't think you have the right word count...I am unsure but something does not flow right.

I loved your imagery and representation. Overall, I would rate this poem a 9.8/10.
You have great talent, so keep writing. Please

Keep it up!!

~Rainn

Nitpick:
The creep closer to your bed


So the flow of them poem is great. Although since you made the last line ryhme with the one two lines above it; it throws of the flow of third line in each stanza, but only slightly. I read it as every two lines because most poems have a consistent rhyme scheme that goes more than yours.

"The tainted breath of those who sinned." This was presented in a way where it was needed but it seemed like it forced the rhyme scheme. For the life of me, I cannot figure out why but it seemed to strain the flow a little bit. And to remind you I am being very harsh.


The content seems to be good as-well. I mean you discuss the emotions of motherhood in a positive way. It seems like it wasn't written for a particular reason; like to stop world hunger ect. but I feel it is still okay to write about simple feelings and emotions in poetry, I mean I do all the time! You do have a theme but it is just one that doesn't try to fix anything with the world.

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There was nothing I really disagreed with in this review. I nit-picked the things I would probably do a little differently but that does not make them wrong in any sense. You seem to be an avid Poetry Writer like myself so I can see why you did things as you did and this poem. I am glad I had the chance to review because it was quite difficult!

Thanks !

Stucture/flow: 5.8/6
Emotion: 6/6
content: 5.8/6

The rhythm in this is beautiful, it gives this a musical like quality that really brings the poem to life. The imagery in this is just wonderful, I can just picture this beautiful lily rising up in this dark forest, a wonderful symbol. This is almost like a narrative poem, it tells a story however if that was your intention I definitely feel like this could go on in separate parts or a little bit longer. However the theme and overall effect of the poem is chilling and hauntingly beautiful.