Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,679 Literary Works • 672,648 Reviews
Hello! Sarah here for a quick review!
As other reviewers have pointed out, this paints a clear and vivid picture in mind. I applaud you! However, this seems more like a beautiful set-up for a poem than a completed poem. Although poetry has no clear rules, poets generally use it to get a message or point out into the world. What is your point? I'm sure it's fascinating...enlighten us!
Critique aside, you have some beautiful language here. I especially like the third stanza. The fourth stanza is vivid as well, though I would suggest rewording it like this:
"Gnarled trees
Reach WITH skeletal fingers
To grasp at charcoal gray skies,
That darken as clouds drift
To happier places."
I don't know why, but "reach skeletal fingers up" sounded weird to my ear. Just a quick, easy suggestion.
Other than that, your flow is good, your word choice is good, and your description is GREAT. Now tell us your story.
Good luck!
Sarah
Hi there nightlyowl.
I like your imagery. It's nice and clear, and paints a nice picture in my head.
That being said, there are a few issues with this poem. It describes well, but it only describes. The poem doesn't go anywhere. It is stagnant. It's a nice scene, but what is important about this nice scene? Poetry is all about making connections between two things that make it important. A girl is one thing. A moonrise is another. But a girl missing the moonrise is everything. You have a graveyard scene here, but it's only one thing and doesn't mean much. If the point is that the living forget the dead, you need to focus on that more than you focus on the images. For example:
This stanza is pretty, but it doesn't focus on what I think is the point of your poem at all. Make your point stronger by supporting it with imagery instead of veiling it in imagery. And make sure you stay focused throughout the whole poem.
While paradox is a literary device, it's not doing it for me here. If the living don't remember the "memories," are they really memories? I think you might want to use a different word here. Is the graveyard haunted? I think that "shades" would work very well here.
This drives me crazy. Out of all the words you used to describe cold, you use the most basic word. And stones. You could be so much more descriptive here with a different word. What about "chilly marble slabs"? Or you could even personify the tombstones: "shivering marble blocks." There are so many more ways to say what you said.
I truly enjoyed your imagery here. Focus on finding a meaning underneath the images and keep writing.
I like it, though I don't think I understand the point you're trying to make. It invokes good, clear imagery. Maybe add a passage or a few more lines to better explain your point, assuming you have one to make and are not writing this for pure entertainment.