My anger bar was charging, slowly but for some odd reason my anger battery doesn't end in 100%, instead it ends in 15%. Why? Because I have a short temper. So I released my anger within haste and force.
No one heard me because no one was here and everyone who wasn't here was dead. So, everyone was dead.
Including me.
We were all sprits trying to find a body! Our bodies were stolen off the ghosts of Weyven!They never had a body of their own, so while we were not looking, you know what happened. I hate this! Since now I had no possion of my own, no family, no friends and no nothing.
Every one was far from each other unless you were lucky, but if you were lucky, you wouldn't know you were since sprits can not see other sprits nor feel, smell or sense in any way for only those who were wise enough had that power but you had to have a brain for that and we had no bodies.
For a body is our most preachious and most private thing and it was stolen!
Our body has one piece of hair in the head, which grows so fast that we have to bring scissors on our pockets! We have invented Shooowa! Shooowa costs around a hundred litmoses, the Famtas'(Ghosts of Weyven) most expensive treasure!
Most of us have a round belly while some of us are green skinned, some blue and people who can afford it dye themselves, usually yellow since it's the cheapest but if you're STUPID rich then purple is for you.
Oh! Our history? We, spirits are from the island of Barbados which was later abuducted and set into another planet. The planet's name I do not recall but I'm very sure it started with the familiar E.
Our ancestor was Trombus, a hero who owned the best castles, spaceships, jewelry and best of all, a pair of boots.
The boots were auburn, a color most creatures outside of us have never heard, the boots were shiny and only he, Trombus could wear them. So when Trombus died, No one found use of it since even thought it was good for decoration, it was smelly to the point that rotten eggs were of as a bottle of perfume.
So it was kept in a museum where all could smel- ummmm.. see it.
But the Famtas took it along with them.(Since the Famtas were ghosts, they couldn't smell.)
And my goal was to find it! Why? Because imagine all the possiblities!
Wait..... How can a spirit wear boots?
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
This is Yams here for a review!
The first thing I notice that needs work is the beginning, or at least I feel so. You're jumping straight in without explaining anything. I mean, I know you ask the question "How can a spirit wear boots?" at the end, but I feel like we need a better introduction.
There are a lot of exclamation marks in here, and I'd suggest cutting a good chunk of them out? They just kind of confuse the reader and sound overexcited/something of that sort.
I'd suggest checking over this for grammar errors? That's one of the main things. The way you write is kind of odd, and I accept that. But I actually like the way you write and I think you should master it. Master your punctuation use.
The things that I don't think you should use are the parentheses to explain to the reader. There are other ways to explain what the ghosts are, and how they can't smell, etc. You just have to find a way that incorporates it into the story.
Have a great day!
Thank you. I will improve.
Hi,
I thought the start of the chapter was interesting, though I couldn't really understand see how the short temper and the fact that everyone is spirit goes together. The two parts seem kind of discontinous to me. There seems to be a lot of information in this chapter, and it's hard to keep up. It seems like the main character is kind of rambling about something (I'm assuming you were aiming for this), but I couldn't quite catch everything. In one paragraph you were talking about the color of these spirits and in the next, you're talking about the history.
The chapter also doesn't show any action of the main character, but just his inner thoughts. I think having some sort of dialogue or description of the setting would improve the chapter.
Also, the ending is kind of abrupt.
Sorry, but what do you mean about my abrupt ending?