Fourth chapter on such tracks please tell me in the comments if I should continue.
If you want to join a team, you need to enter the try-outs, since they only want good players. Are you a good player? Maybe. But is him? The main character is having some trouble. Let's enter his mind. There was a wreck, a whoosh, a boom and then now the story begins.Reader, prepare for an adventure you will never forget.
Before kissing it,I was giving luke my five dollars . Which was alot for me despite the money my mom gives me every other day but all she gives me is a dime. (It was a nickel the year before and a penny the year before that.) But the five dollars were worth it.
I was grinning, I was holding my eyes shut, I was sweating with pain and I felt his hands as I give him the Abrahim Lincon dollar.
I heard Luke say," BOOM BABY! Welcome to the track team! How's your day? (Luke liked to pretend he was a welcomer)
I decided to reply anyways, " Uhhhhh, good?"
"Perfect!" shouted out luke." Now the team of the name?"
I had no idea what the team should be called, luckly, my mom came in to save the day.
"Hey, since you're learning about the Greeks, how about you call it the Marthoners?
I had no idea what that was but it sounded cool so I agreed anyways.
"Ok,mom."
And that's how we got the team name.
"So, should we practice?" said luke, seriously, he's almost never serious.
"Yeah, sure, but we need more peeps!(Thats how I said people.)
"What?" Luke asked befuddly." I was sure Luke was just annyoing me since i say peeps alot, but he sure looks serious,
I replied thought,"People,peeps means people, but can we invite some members and make some money, this time we charge twenty dollars,ok?,if that's too little how about a hundred dollars?",
'WOAH,WOAH!' luke shouted. We will charge ten, deal? because no one will pay a hundred!',
"Ok,deal." I said trying to be calm.
Later on, we started going from door to door, inviting people
This is what we got:
So, we got Justin, Alex, Mark and luke in our team. Oh, me? My name is not written in there.
And the marthoners started.
~Two days later~ Well, now another team started, consisting of David, Jack, Mary and Jasper. They call themselves Light chasers, we were racing agianst them tommorow, and now I was in bed about to sleep.
To be continued
P.S! Should I continue?
End of chapter
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140,094 Literary Works • 672,998 Reviews
Alright-e-o, let's see if this five dollar deal was worth it! Oh, and before I even begin reading, let me say that you should ALWAYS continue! If you've got a story that you want to tell, just tell it regardless of what people might say.
Team and name are mixed up.
Are you a good player? Maybe. But is him?
It should say, but is he? A little after this you said we should enter the character's mind, I just wanted to say that I think it's a great line which really plunges me into the story! And it sounds exciting as well.
Now the team of the name?"
Your brain thought too fast for your fingers.
Marathoners sounds cool, but I'm also having doubts like your character. Light-chasers sound way cooler. XD Hehe, nice chapter! I'm left wondering what's going to happen next, and that is exactly what I'm going to find out now.
Thanks!
Well, I wanted to read and review this but the text is really wacky and un-readable on my computer, and my Ipod.
Hey! I'm back for the fourth part review! I'm going to list the grammar and spelling thing first before I go into the overall chapter.
luke- Luke
luckly- luckily
thought- though
"I was grinning, I was holding my eyes shut, I was sweating in pain and I felt his hands..."
There's too much I. An example of what you could do with this sentence is:
"I was grinning, holding my eyes shut in pain and sweating in pain as I felt his hands take away the Abraham Lincoln."
"shouted out luke..." - "Luke shouted..."
"Now the team of the name?" - "Now what should we name the team?"
"So,we got..." Take this part out since you already said "This is what we got:"
"Oh me? My name is not written in there." Instead of saying that just say. "Oh and me." Like he's adding himself to the list because maybe it is written he's just not saying his name.
Now for things that don't really have to do with specific sentences but just things that I noticed through reading it:
I think that the story could do without the first two little parts. It confused me a little because I didn't really know what it was talking about at first but then when I got to the actual story I realized that it was an introduction into this next chapter. You don't need to introduce the chapter because people should know what has happened from the last chapter.
Make sure that you always open and close dialogue, there were a few places where I noticed that you just left the end of the dialogue without quotes.
Separate each spoken part into it's own paragraph so the reader doesn't get confused between who is doing the talking.
For the team names, they should always be capitalized. And if the team name has two parts they should both be capitalized.
anyways is not a word. It's just anyway.
Overall:
I think it got a little more confusing with what tense this story is supposed to be in but I think with a little bit of editing and just looking back through with fresh eyes it can be made a lot better. I think that you should still definitely continue this story. I know that I will definitely come back and read it every time you update. Keep up the good work!
Thanks!
You should make more. However there was A LOT of mistake in here:
The font you were using shouldn't be in the entire chapter, If it's in the past just say it's in the past in the beginning.
I'm not sure if this was a glitch or somehow your fault, but a lot of words were (for some reason) out of the screen. Maybe it's just my computer, though.
"I was grinning, I was holding my eyes shut, I was sweating with pain and I felt his hands as I give him the Abrahim Lincon dollar."
WOAH, "I was, I was, I was and I felt?" Too much "I was" should be "I was grinning, holding my eyes shut, as me sweating with pain, gave him the Abrahim Lincon dollar.
Also, you should say the exact amount of money instead of "Abrahim Lincon dollar".
"Thats how I said peopl.e"
You putted a period in the middle of "people".
Also, it should be "That's how I called people" instead.
"I decided to reply anyways, " Uhhhhh, good?"
Should be " I managed to reply anways" or "I decided to reply anyway"
FIX THESE MISTAKES!!!!
Now make the fifth chapter!
Thanks for your review! I will fix my mistakes and thanks for advicing me to continue!