Such Tracks-Chapter 8

Hey there, you ridiculously muddy pig! :p I'll start with things I particularly liked, and then go over some nity-pickies.

My mom and I were walking across the melting snow and wet grass, my feet felt as if they were being tortured.
It's great how you added that his feet were being tortured, so I could imagine just how cold the snow actually was. Just saying they were walking on snow is fine, but the extra detail goes a long way.

[b]Mom couldn't speak, one of the guard's hands was blocked her mouth.
I loved how quickly this escalated, as if there's a big conspiracy behind him not being announced the winner of the race.

I passed out.
No, I didn't physically pass out, only mentally.
This is great because I thought he actually passed out, but then that 'sarcastic' voice comes in and says 'no, only mentally'. It makes the seriousness of the scene obvious.

Cold and pale described both the weather and me.
To be grammatically correct, it should say weather and I. You got this right later on in the chapter though, so just make sure you're consistent.

Later, the sight of the ceremony was present. The huge crowd seemed to be eager people who didn't even seem to have been part of the race I have won.
This first sentence is confusing. I think you mean the site (an area, such as a caravan site) of the ceremony came into view. But you could also mean that the place of the ceremony came into sight. Either way, 'present' doesn't really work here.

"Tomorrow night would be the PERFECT time," Shouted out the mayor.
Since you use a comma, and 'shouted' isn't a name, it need not be capitalised.

Alrighty, that's me done! Shoot me a reminder on the nineteenth.

Hey, Aleta here for a review. I have not read the past chapters, so I expect that I can pick this up easily as that is what a fresh chapter is for. What I noticed immediately was the punctuation. If I am to be blunt here it sounds like a ten or eleven year old wrote it. By the way, out of curiosity, how did you think of the title "Such Tracks"?

Into correction:
My mom and I were walking across the melting snow and wet grass, my feet felt as if they were being tortured.

Awkward and boring sentence. You need to split up these two sentences because right after the comma the flow is interrupted and becomes choppy.

My mom and I were walking across the melting snow and wet grass. I had walked so long that my feet felt as though they were about to fall off.

The word tortured kind of just sounds odd, although you can keep it if you like the wording.

"Suddenly an awkward conversation started."

Suddenly the flow has been broken again. You cannot just say in a story that an awkward conversation is about to start. Just let the conversation happen and then you can say afterward that the narrator felt awkward talking about it, etc. And how is the conversation sound awkward? To me it sounds pretty normal. To make the author give off the feeling of being awkward afterward, you could say something along the lines of:

I narrowed my eyes in opposition to the biting winter cold, fiddling with my gloves so I could focus on anything besides the awkward conversation. I would have rather her small talk been a bore.

"i was cold"
Capitalize.

I was pale, very pale.

You do not have to restate this. The reader understands the first time and if you restate it it sounds redundant.

Woah. You just hopped into the next scene with no filler.

Later, the sight of the ceremony was present. The huge crowd seemed to be eager people who didn't even seem to have been part of the race I have won.

Suddenly they were walking and now we just go to 'later'? To make it flow better you should have said that they 'approached the throng of eager people.' Also, where are they? I'm so confused. You hardly if not at all explain where they are.

racers's parents really.

What's the point of adding on really here?

hed voice(For the wind was cold) Started to speak.

1.) Why are you capitalizing the first word in parentheses? It is still the same sentence.
2.) You don't capitalize the words after the parentheses. It is still the same sentence..
3.) It is not needed there. Breaks up the flow.

I passed out.

No, I didn't physically pass out, only mentally.

So...mentally passing out? Makes no relative sense. I understand what you are trying to say but it is not coming through at all whatsoever. You could reword it. Something like:

I nearly passed out when I heard my name, although I would not let dizziness best me.

"Look Mr. Wadkins, there must have been a big misunderstanding here, my son won that the race-

Add on the dialogue at the end so the reader knows that it is finished.

Also, if I may be to the point, why would a security guard literally drag and choke the son's mother just because she stated something? Is this a dystopia or something? In the real world that would not happen. I'm saying this because this seems to be realistic.

"What are you doing?" I screamed

You need punctuation at the end.

"Mommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!"

Uh, all the m's? Way too elementary. It bothers me to read this.

"Two Days Later

Town Hall Of Villa Tordu"

I noticed that you enjoy skipping around a lot. You need to introduce the transition of days, not just state it in bold because in a true novel that would not be allowed. Here, I will give you an example to help:

Inside the town hall, Mayor (name) was debating the incident of (what happened at the race). It had been two days since the (?).

"But Sir, there must be another-" Yelled out A Security Guard

No capitalization. Excuse me, but why is everyone acting up over a literal race?

"They dragged by the arms and left the room."
??? You need to proof read this.

"Leg over leg"
Awkward.

One security guard swallowed his saliva.

This imagery makes me shiver. It would be best if you deleted this, honestly.

I won't bother to do the last part of this, although the entire story just gives me a profound sense of 'what the hell is going on in this story?' Anyways, I know I was very critical which I apologize for. Couldn't help it though.