Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » Narrative

E - Everyone

Such Tracks- Chapter 10 FINALE

by MrMuddyPig


Yes, where were we?

So Mr. Wadkins(the mayor) thinks I cheated I a race I won and now I'm racing again to prove it.

This race is in front of an entire city's worth of people and there's even giant screens hanged in the stadium. Yes..this is the Olympics.

Anyway, the race is going to start soon and I need to focus.

5..

Where's my mom?

4..

Still no sight of her

3..

Oh there she is!

2..

Wait is she next to the Mayor? What?

1..

A gun is shot.

I feel tired as I lift my self up from the ground. I haven't ate anything in the morning, but same with my opponents, so I guess that's a plus.

I keep turning slightly throughout the track while the whole crowd was cheering randomly.

And by randomly, I mean they were shouting 'Go blue shirt!(Jasper),' or, 'You can do it girl!(Mary' or 'Let's go Luke!'

While I, the sucker in town has only my mom supporting me. I look up to her to make sure she's actually supporting me. I don't see her.

I'm currently last but not by much though. I look to see them getting tired, time for me to speed up a little.

BOOM BREEM BROOM.. the wind slaps to me.

I push my head forward. I heard your head is the heaviest object in your body, so I think that will help me speed up.

I'm now right next to Mary. Well.. not really because there's a LOT of space between me and her. I guess Mr. Wadkins wanted this to help stop 'cheating.'

Now Mary was fairly behind and I'm still worried about my mother, although I stopped thinking about it because I now need to win this stupid race.

Wait.. why did I could call that stupid? This race is the Finale. The one that defines my life, my career and the Mayor's next election.*

---Mr. Wadkins Point of view---

"So the race is looking quite intense."

"Yes."

"Miss, why did you not get married again?"

"Why are you saying this?"

"Well since your husband died-"

"I though you cared about the race, Mayor."

"I don't. I'm just mad about my son."

"Luke will do fine."

"FINE? YOU SAY FINE? I WANT HIM TO BE 1ST PLACE! NOT FINE!"

She left.

I guess she has a reason. I got a little mad there too. I don't need two problems right now. I need to focus on my son.

Oh! He's first! Yes!

---My Point of View----

Luke smiles as he looks around him. The people chanting his name over and over again.

The Mayor smiles. 

I gulp down my saliva. My throat is getting fry. My head is getting dizzy. The air is ringing in my ear..

But I run. I run to my heart's content. I don't stop. I keep going. I'm way behind, even Mary is now ahead of me. But eventually the air raises up in volume as I rush past her.

I then proceed to rush past Jasper. I'm right next to Luke now. The finish line is not far.

We proceed to run. We sound like horses galloping. But I push my self forward.

Luke then is ahead of me. I don't get how. The audience is all chanting his name as I look around.

No one is supporting me. No one shouting my name. No one even chanting 'green shirt dude."

But I saw my mom. She was there, chanting my name and clapping. She looked like she was saying," Go, go, go! I love you! I bet even dad is watching right now!"

And I went. I kept going, running super hard and I stepped over the..

rock.

I then tripped over only to land in the finish line, beating Mary, Jasper and Luke. I was 1st. 

The whole stadium goes silent. Then they all clapped, screamed and chanted "Winner, Winner, Winner!"

And by all, I mean all but the Mayor.

He stepped down off his podium. He was ANGRY.

"You're not the winner! You cheated! That rock gave you a boost!"

I, knowing, he cared about Luke, then said," At least Luke was 2nd place."

This set the bomb. He got more angry. "Guards! I request a rematch. We are restarting now."

None of the Guards even budged. 

I quickly though of something to say.

"Mayor. Your son is the 2nd best runner in a city of 100,000 people."

Luke added to it, "Dad, that means a lot."

The mayor cooled off a little. I think he was crying.

"SNOFF.. I'm sorry son." He says as he hugs his son.

My mom comes up to me and proceeds to hug me too.

The guards then gave me a gold medal, Luke, a silver medal and jasper a bronze one. Oh! I almost forgot, Mary got the "Fairest Player award."

All four of us became famous nationwide. We all run in the Olympics when we grew up. None of us got medals but getting to the Olympics means a lot, right?

Mr.Wadkins lived to be a mayor for the rest of his life. Where we live, there's infinite terms.

I'm happy to talk about my life to all of you guys. So remeber! The lesson here is that no matter if you are a goalie, a defender, tall, strong or the worst player in your team; you're still a Player. And that's all that counts, partner, wait I shouldn't call you a partner, I should call you a

                                                                                                Player.

* The one that defines this book.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
53 Reviews


Points: 273
Reviews: 53

Donate
Sat Jul 08, 2017 6:57 pm
jamgalloway wrote a review...



Hey, I figured I'd leave a quick review on this. To start, there's quite a few grammar mistakes in this. I'm sure you know this and can figure out the mistakes so I won't go through pointing them all out, but if you do want any help with that just ask. Now, your biggest problem with this is how rushed everything is. For everything that goes on in this chapter, it should be six times as long as it is. There's not much description of...well, anything. Not of the setting, of the people, of the crowd, of the smell, of the feeling of the track, all of it. There's not any actions, thoughts, or description shown in the entire conversation between the mother and the Mayor, and it felt very unrealistic. No offense intended, but....none of this felt realistic to me at all. And I don't think the end where the narrator talked directly to the reader worked very well, to be honest. Also, there really wasn't a reason to use parenthesis like you did. Parenthesis are something that should be used very rarely, if at all, because most of the way it's used could be done just as easily with commas or dashes. And now I'm just going to point out how to write a couple parts that would help this improve, though I think this entire thing should be rewritten(again, no offense intended).

"Where were we?

Oh, yes, the mayor.

Well, the mayor, Mr. Wadkins, believes I cheated in a race I won and now has me racing-- again--to prove it. And this said race is going to be starting within the next minute, with the other competitors and myself standing before an entire city's worth of people. Giant screens hang in the stadium, thousands of people in the crowd are screaming, it smells like asphalt and concession stand food, and I can't seem to focus.

I am competing in the *Olympics*, and I can't focus on the one and only thing I have to do: run. No, even as the countdown begins for my race, my mind is everywhere *but* running.

'Five!'

*Where is Mom?*

'Four!'

*I still can't find her. Where the hell is she?*

'Three!'

*Oh, there she is, thank god.*

'Two!'

*Wait...is that the mayor she's next to?*

'One!'

*Why is she with him?*

The gunshot goes off, jolting me out of my thoughts and ringing in my ears as I take off."

Even as it's written here, it's still very rushed, but this is an example of how to better write it as it is if you're stuck on leaving it like it is. Though, like I said, I suggest rewriting the entire chapter, but that's up to you. Now I thought I'd show you a little bit more of what I mean with the conversation between the mayor and the mother.

"'The race is looking really intense,' I say, glancing at (protagonist)'s mother before going right back to the race. Her compelling perfume combined with her silky skin, long dark, wavy hair, and aging but still model-like features makes it hard to stay focused, but Luke winning the race is what's most important to me.

'Yes, it is.'

Her voice sounds like honey as she answers, as it usually does, and I find myself turning to look at her for a second time.

'Ma'am, why did you not get married again?'

Her brows furrow and now it's her turn to stray away from the race and look at me. Her light brown eyes that I can see my own reflection in meet mine. 'Why are you asking me this?'"

That's all I'm gonna do, unless you want me to do more, but I think you get the point. And I didn't know the narrator's name or what the mother looked like so I just made something up for the latter and wrote (protagonist) for the narrator. I'm not sure whether or not the mayor is supposed to feel attracted to his mom from what you wrote, but since it sounded like he might've been that's how I wrote it.

So, hopefully this helped you somehow. Your main problems are how unrealistic and rushed this feels. Hope I didn't come across too harsh, and if you need help, want me to review or edit something, just want to talk, or whatever else, just let me know and I'd be happy to. Good luck! :)




MrMuddyPig says...


Thank you for the review.



User avatar
58 Reviews


Points: 15
Reviews: 58

Donate
Sat Jul 08, 2017 1:43 pm
RavenBlack wrote a review...



Hey Raven Black here!

I'll review this as I go along :-D

- 'So Mr. Wadkins(the mayor) thinks I cheated 'in' a race I won and now I'm racing again to prove it.' Is what you mean, right?

- I think a lot more of a description would be better of the stadium and the event, as the one you wrote feels rushed and I can't visualize what it looks like. As you wrote: 'this is the Olympics', therefore your description should show and make me feel like it's important like the Olympics. :-D

- I understand the use of the countdown here and breaking up each of the characters thoughts to emphasis the tension along with the countdown. But I feel like writing it in a normal paragraph would be better. Something like:

'My eyes darted across the stadium as the announcer started the countdown. Where's mother? Five. I became anxious, my heart beating wildly against my chest. Four. I looked around again but there was still no sight of her. Three. Sudddely my eyes caught two people chatting on the balcony. One was the Mayor the other- Two. What was mom doing next to the Mayor?

My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a gunshot...'

Just my opinion :-)

-Wait, I'm so confused. Is she part of the Olympics? I think this should have been made clearer at the beginning. Since it's in first person you should tell the reader her feelings. She's racing in the Olympics. Let us know what's going through her head, then we can relate to her.

- And by randomly, I mean they were shouting 'Go blue shirt!(Jasper),' or, 'You can do it girl!(Mary' or 'Let's go Luke!' I don't feel that this is a great way to introduce characters. I suggest, at the beginning while she's freaking out about the race or something you mention them. Say how scared she is to race them because one holds the record. Something like that.

- 'BOOM BREEM BROOM.. the wind slaps to me.' I don't think onomatopoeia works here. 'The wind slapped my cheeks as I raced across the track' sounds better to me.

- 'I heard your head is the heaviest object in your body, so I think that will help me speed up.' Is this her first time racing because only a beginner would think that?

Overall, I think there could be some changes to make this chapter flow smoother. l suggest keeping to the main character's view point because then there's tension and the reader will question if she'll win or not. Plus I think the description could be better. The mayor seems a bit dramatic if you ask me, don't know if that was intentional.

Sorry for the harsh review, I just want to help :-)




MrMuddyPig says...


Thank you for the review! The reason I used the countdown is because it was included in the last chapter that was made long ago. I wanted readers to remember what was going on because this is part 3 of 3 of the final and if this was a book, chp.8,9,10 would all be included together.



RavenBlack says...


Oh, sorry for correcting you then :-(




Adventure is worthwhile.
— Aesop