Part 2 of 3 of the Final Such Tracks Chapters
There was no sunlight despite it being morning when I woke up. I woke up in jail. There is a desk, a toilet, and of course a bed. Where am I? Where's my mom? Why am I here? Why am I still wearing my suit? So many questions and absolutely no answers.
I'm doomed.
I looked around, there is a window and a gate made from chains. And my legs, and my arms, in chains. I'm only a kid and they do this? What did they do to my mom then? I hadn't even done a thing.
I looked outside, there were all unoccupied rooms identical to mine by size and design. I'm not sure of the rooms next to me since there is no way to see them. I heard some sobbing.
"I'm in jail! I'm in jail! Get me out of here!" The voice sounded to be someone of my age.
It sounded that he was knocking in the chains with his arms, so he's probably chained up pretty well like me.
"Anyone here? I'm Luke! Son of the mayor! You heard of me, you have seen me!"
I replied,"Luke, is it really you?"
"Who are you? Are you Xam?
"Xam , Xam who?
"You failed the e-Xam."
We both laughed, despite us being in the worst case scenario anyone could think of.
Another voice was heard to the right of me.
He sounded like one of these cool, black guys who raps a lot and stuff.
"Damn kid! I'm old Xam, king of the south block, what ended you up here?"
I decided to answer as seriously as I can.
"Dead old man brain brought me here for no reason."
He replied," Dead ugly man brain, D.U.M.B, he brought us all here during that stinking old ceremony of his."
Luke shouted out,"Hey he's my dad! You can't just make up dumb things like that, it's not his fault, he's been running this city for forty years!"
"Ok kid, only because you say so." Xam replied.
We three of us have to find a way leave.
A voice was heard,"Ahm! Four of us, right?" She sounded like she was younger than me.
"I have been in here long than all of three of you here."
"OK." We all replied
"COMBINED!" She shouted out, "Now, i can help you guys get out of here."
"Yeah? And how, my dad probably has every security guard in here, i'm surprised we haven't seen one in along time though." Replied Luke
"Look son, I know why. They're all in there, having a meeting or something." She replied."Look! They're coming!"
Out there, there were some five or six security guard, climbing the stairs. They seemed to want to interfere with us.
"Hey, Hey! Yeah! You guys! I'm getting you out of here by the order of Mr. Wadkins. You guys are all doing a race." Said one of the securty guards.
When I came out I saw Luke, still chained and then I got surprised after I found out the Xam was actually Jasper and the girl was Mary.
"Jasper? Mary? WHAT?" I shouted in surprise.
"And what RACE? Hadn't I just won a race fair and square? Why another race?"
"Because you obviously cheated." Said the security guard.
"No I didn't!"
"Oh, we will see."
"Bet?"
"Bet!".
Back-up Race stadium.
A day later.
The main character, Luke, Jasper and Mary.
I was in the starting grounds. In lane 1.
Mr. Wadkins was there, with many flat screens that everyone in the stadium could see.
The Mayor spoke," Now, there are actual lines, the distance is the same. Every runner has good space so there will be no pushing or pulling or any physical contact.
Hey you! Start the race.
The guy had a pistol and was ready.
"5.."
I looked to see where my mom was.
"4.."
Still no sight of her.
"3.."
THERE she is! Right next to the mayor!
"2.."
Why is she THERE?
"1.."
Oh god.
To be continued. Chapter 10(The FINAL Chapter) is coming in Dec. 20.
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Hi, MrMuddyPig. AnarchyWolf here to review on this fine Review Day.
I haven't read the previous installments of this story, so I apologise in advance if I misunderstand or don't understand anything because of that.
I really like the inform voice you use when you're writing. It has so much character and comes across really well.
Though it does fit with your narrator being young and a little immature, it does jump out when it's being read. I'd recommend changing it from 'a thing' to 'anything.
I replied, "Luke...
"Xam, Xam who?"
It sounds a little strange to describe it like this. It's a little jarring, and could be changed to I heard a voice... to make it smoother.
These don't have to be capitalized for impact. They can have a simple exclamation mark, as well as the question mark, to give the same amount of impact without running the risk of irritating the reader.
I loved how fun this piece was. Your writing style works really well with this character to make a really believable and curious and childlike. I also like how you make dialogue a little bit different for each character to give them more personality. It works really well.
Your narrative-to-dialogue ratio could use a little work. There is a considerable amount of dialogue in this piece, and it's not balanced properly by the amount of narrative. There isn't enough description or non-dialogue thoughts, and what is there is fairly disjointed by being placed on different lines.
The punctuation here, especially around the dialogue, could use a little bit of work. Quite often, they are just slips that can easily be spotted by a proofread, such as some of the ones I've pointed out above. They just make the narrative a bit disjointed.
Overall, this was a really fun chapter.
-AnarchyWolf
Hey, I noticed some improvements here which I'm glad to see. Here's a couple of my thoughts on this:
He sounded like one of these cool, black guys who raps a lot and stuff.
Maybe to improve this and express the character's dislike(I think?), you could say:
He sounded like one of those generic, cool black guys that could rap.
,"Hey he's my dad! You can't just make up dumb things like that, it's not his fault, he's been running this city for forty years!"
Hey, he's my dad! You can't just make up dumb things like that. It's not his fault! He's been running this city for forty years!
We three of us have to find a way leave.
Awkward. The three of us had to find a way to leave.
"OK." We all replied
I feel like it sounds kind of cliche for everyone to say OK. Maybe show expression instead?
Looking around, I could tell by the way they focused on his words with a rapt intensity that they all agreed.
(Or something like that.)
"Now, i can help you guys get out of here."
Capitalize.
"Because you obviously cheated." Said the security guard.
Don't capitalize after dialogue.
"Bet!".
No period afterward the dialogue.
I was in the starting grounds. In lane 1.
Kind of boring. Maybe say: I was standing in lane one of the starting grounds.
Hey you! Start the race.
Is this dialogue?
Anyways, I noticed that you improved on this and it sounds way better than before.
Thanks For the Reply! The last chapter is coming very soon.
Okay, just tell me when it comes out.
The way you started this was great; you summarised the tricky situation with all those questions, and showed how awful it was with details such as no sunlight. Your writing has definitely developed well throughout this story!
I looked outside, there were all unoccupied rooms identical to mine by size and design. I'm not sure of the rooms next to me since there is no way to see them. I heard some sobbing.
Though this only happens a few times, you need to be double-sure that you stick to one tense throughout the whole thing. For example, the above text goes from past to present to past tense.
"Damn kid! I'm old Xam, king of the south block, what ended you up here?"
Love the way you've written Xam's voice. I imagined it as deep with an 'I'm too cool for you' sort of tone.
Mr. Wadkins was there, with many flat screens that everyone in the stadium could see.
This is more of a minor nitpick, but I don't like the way this sentence is structured. The screens aren't there because of Wadkins, so they're not really with him. Something better would be Mr Wadkins was there, surrounded by many flat screens that everyone in the stadium could see. That way you're saying both subjects are there, but they aren't related.
The ending is great with the count down! So suspenseful! I'm looking forward to the final part.
Thanks for the review!