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Return of Such Tracks!-Chapter 7

by MrMuddyPig


One year ago, there was chapter six, in which the main runner,me, bumped into a tree, which happened to be my mom right next to the finish line in a race. One year later I make the next chapter for the RETURN of SUCH TRACKS. The main runner is confused about what happened due to injures.(I had to write this due to brains forgetting this series)

I don't know anything,it just  feels like it  happened so long ago. A tree? Mom? A finish Line? Oh yes! I like the finish line, these words make me feel so nice...

TOOOOOT,TOOOOOOT!

Oh, what now? The train? It's so far away! Yet it has woken me up.I looked in my clock, 3:47, still a while before I wake up to the ceremony. I yawned and rested my head on the pillow.

6:30,

RIIIIIIIING, RIIIIIIIING!

Oh,what now the alarm clock? Oh ye! It's time to go to the ceremony.Why?

I heard a voice. A voice so charming, so sweet yet so scary. "AHHH!,it's a serial killer!,"I screamed to the top of my lungs.

"Nooo..., It's a me Mari-, just kidding it's me, mom."

"Mom? Who's mom? Some sort of a friendly serial killer?"

"No! I'm Mom, I gave birth to you!"

"What? And where's dad"

"In the best place on the whole,entire world!"

"Is this heaven?"

"No! Your head is injured , you stupid fish head!Now stop asking unnecessary questions."

"Ok,fish mom."

I Somehow got myself to grab whatever from the closet and change.I was ready for the ceremony, well not really, I was still a fish head. But you know what I mean.

My Mom was all ready with her polished fingernails and makeup and all of these wacky things girls use for 'beauty'.

"Are you ready boy?" Said my mom

"I got 1st, so I'm ready"

And my trophy waited.


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Sat Sep 10, 2016 2:03 am
Carlito wrote a review...



Hello hello! Happy RevMo! :D I apologize that I haven't read the previous chapters of this story, so I'll be looking at this as a part of a greater whole.

I skimmed the first could of chapters to get a sense of your style and I noticed that you're chapters are very short. That's fine as long as the plot is still moving forward in each chapter and you're still able to develop your characters and leave your reader feeling satisfied.

I thought this chapter was fun. I don't think you're trying to write a very intense, serious novel, and that's fine. Writing a novel should be fun. However, I also felt like this chapter just whipped me by and I never really felt grounded. It felt a bit rushed to me and I think you can slow down and show a bit more.

Let me give you a few examples:

I don't know anything,it just feels like it happened so long ago.

Where are we right now? Give me a hint of a setting before we launch into the thoughts.
"it happened so long ago" - that's vague. What is it? What happened?

still a while before I wake up to the ceremony.

Ceremony? What ceremony?

I yawned and rested my head on the pillow.

Does this character fall back asleep? Daydream? Close their eyes? It sounds like in the next couple of lines that they get waken up again, but I'm not sure.

I heard a voice. A voice so charming, so sweet yet so scary. "AHHH!,it's a serial killer!,"I screamed to the top of my lungs.

You've switched into past tense now and you've been in present.
Slow this moment down for me to increase the emotional intensity. This is a tense moment for your character and I want to feel that too.
The character has been woken up by the alarm clock again. What do they do first? Sit up? Turn off the alarm clock? Have they opened their eyes yet? Where does this voice come from? How close is it? I appreciated that you described what the voice sounds like!
Then how does the character feel? Scared? Surprised? Are their eyes open yet? Are they thinking of trying to figure out where the voice is coming from?

I won't go through the whole chapter like that, but do you see the idea? If you like a more concise, simple style of writing, that's fine, but still add in details and show us as much as you can to add to the reading experience :) Fun story so far, I hope you continue writing and working on it!! Let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing! :D




MrMuddyPig says...


I get what you mean! Thanks for the review!



MrMuddyPig says...


Chapter 8,9 and the final one(10) Coming a couple days before Christmas. All chapters in separate days. Chp.8 in Dec. 17. Chp.9 in Dec.19 and the final chapter in Dec.21!



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Mon Sep 05, 2016 1:58 am
Dracula wrote a review...



Hey there, MrMuddyPig! I remember reading the previous chapters of this story, so it was nice to see that you've updated! Sorry if this ends up being a really short review, the school bell is about to go. Any second now, unfortunately.

One year ago, there was chapter six, in which the main runner,me, bumped into a tree, which happened to be my mom right next to the finish line in a race. One year later I make the next chapter for the RETURN of SUCH TRACKS. The main runner is confused about what happened due to injures.(I had to write this due to brains forgetting this series)
This was a nice little addition. It puts the story in real time (because there was a bit of time between your posting), but also explains the time skip between chapters six and seven. It also reminded me about what happened in previous chapters.

"AHHH!,it's a serial killer!,"I screamed to the top of my lungs.
You've done this a few times throughout the chapter so I thought I would point it out. In your speech, there's a lot of 'double punctuation'. For example, after AHHH there is an exclamation mark AND a comma. The same after killer. You only need one bit of punctuation, so in both these cases the commas are not necessary because you've got exclamation marks.

And my trophy waited.
Great way to end the chapter, MrMuddyPig! It was a bit short, but straight to the point as your chapters always are. Let me know when chapter eight is ready if you'd appreciate more reviews. :)




MrMuddyPig says...


Ok! Thanks for your review!



MrMuddyPig says...


Chapter 8,9 and the final one(10) Coming a couple days before Christmas. All chapters in separate days. Chp.8 in Dec. 17. Chp.9 in Dec.19 and the final chapter in Dec.21!




Lots of times you have to pretend to join a parade in which you're not really interested in order to get where you're going.
— Christopher Darlington Morley