Watching a football game is sometimes more fun than playing the game itself. Why? You don't sweat, you don't get tired and most of all, you don't lose.
And losing is what I predict on this race.
I was against jasper who's muscles HAVE muscles and Mary who's actually pretty athelic.
And my team? Luke who's really fast and me,a turtle in disguise.
And the race was starting
My mom came to start the race,
"Ready,"
"Set,"
"GO!"
and I chased the light chasers, and they chased the marthoner as I turned as I flew to the sky but I sticked to the ground but then I chased them and caught up and then they were behind me and I thought I was going to win until I saw a tree- A really fat one and I bumbed on it and fell.
Now there were nine things which could happen(Even a cat can't survive that)
I could die.
I could keep going.
I could get injured.
I could scream.
I could call 911.
I could ran away and start my life of crime.
I could fly to the sky and become a magic unicorn.
but what did happen was that tree was really my mom and right next to her?
A finsh line.
To be continued.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
Yay, review time!
.
Ok first of all, you need to put a space after a comma. And same goes for periods.
Second is: BEFORE YOU PUBLISH IT, CHECK SPELLING AND GRAMMER!
Sorry.
Also, this was going pretty good at the start, but the middle is pretty... bad. Well, it didn't flow well. The end, however, is also good
Don't use "His muscles have muscles" anymore. It's getting weird now.
This was pretty short/rushed. In the start, he's starting the race, two short pargraphs later, he bumped to a "tree" and won.
I still like this series, though!!!!!
Thanks.
How do I go about reviewing this? As has been said, the opening is a clever little comparison, but the rest...well, I don't exactly know what you're trying to do here.
Sure, the muscles have muscles joke was good, but didn't you do it last chapter? Try not to wear it out by taking it too seriously, okay?
An enormous case of run-on here. Periods, commas, conjunctions, anything. Just make it easier for the reader. Humor is, after all, centered on the audience.
As for the joke that comes after that, does it really need nine possibilities? Jokes wear out if you draw them out too much. At most, you'd need five to pull this off.
I won't pretend to be an expert on comedy, but I do consider myself proficient in writing. Now, this story is pretty threadbare. The most detail you put in was during the aforementioned run-on! It's fine if you don't want to bog down the humor with too much story, but it's still good to remember that it is a story. A book. What can this offer readers that is unavailable from comedians? I myself assert that the answer is a compelling plot, but the responses can certainly vary from person to person.
Now, while this story is short, it's decent for its bluntness and offers a couple of laughs throughout. While it's not my cup of tea, I imagine that it's somebody's. Keep in mind that this kind of literature usually falls into the category of children's fiction. But that's all I have to say. I still think you're a good writer, though, so keep working at it! I hope to see something clever from you again! Cheers!
-Chaser
Thanks! Chase, the light chaser!
Hello again, MrMuddyPig!
Your summary of why watching a football is better than playing is spot on. Plus, you can't get beat up by the other players. It was clever the way you connected that example to the running race.
I was against jasper who's muscles HAVE muscles and Mary who's actually pretty athelic.
Your use of 'who's' for Mary was correct, as it means 'Mary who is actually pretty athletic'. But it was incorrect with Jasper, as it means 'Jasper who is muscles...' Instead, you need to have 'whose'.
but I sticked to the ground but then I chased them
Stuck* is the correct word in this instance. Haha, I love how he was going well, and then ran straight into a tree! It sounds like something your character would do.
WHAT. The tree was his mum? That's a great surprise. XD So he won? Tell me he won!
Two words: He WON!
Yay!