z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence Mature Content

The Rage (Chapter 1)

by MissGangamash


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.

The Rage

PART I – THE DISCOVERY

Chapter 1

Gabriel crossed his legs at his ankles and sighed in bliss, lifting the whiskey glass of blood to his lips whilst catching up on the new BBC drama he has been finding rather compelling. Although he did think the story only needed three episodes, there was no need to drag it out for six.

“I bet he’s a dirty cop.”

Gabriel glowered at the TV. He’d forgotten he had company.

“Yes, he’s obviously a dirty cop,” he replied.

“I don’t know how you sit and watch these things. The twists are obvious from the start.”

“If you’re just going to sit there and complain, you know where the door is.” He finally turned and shot at pointed look at Ezra, sitting in the corner playing on his phone.

Ezra let out an overdramatic sigh. “I’m bored.”

“My job is boring. You were the one that wanted to come with me-”

They both look to the wall when they hear fitful groans from the next room. They were loud. Ezra’s eyebrows quirked up. “What’s going on in there?”

Gabriel turned back to the TV. “He has pretty bad night terrors. Wakes up thinking there’s a demon living in his house trying to suck out his soul.”

“Is said demon lounging in his recliner watching shitty police dramas by any chance?”

Gabriel smirked over the rim of his glass.

When a crash followed the groans, Gabriel picked himself up and went to check on the old man. As soon as he was on his feet, Ezra dropped himself into the chair. His hand went for the glass of blood but he was prevented by a thwack of a walking stick on his knuckles. He yelped and glared at Gabriel.

Gabriel pointed the walking stick at him. “You said you came here for my company. Hands off the goods.”

Ezra pulled a face. “Bet it’s all thin and mealy anyway.”

Not trusting Ezra one bit, Gabriel took his glass into Julian’s bedroom with him. The old man was hanging half off the bed, his clock on the floor behind the door. He was gasping for air, his full head of snowy white hair plastered to his scalp with sweat like a swimming cap. Gabriel placed his glass on the cabinet and helped the old man back upright.

“Oh, Gabriel,” Julian gasped. “He was here again. Scratching me with his huge claws!”

“Everything’s okay, Julian, I’m here.” And I get a bi-weekly manicure, thank you very much. “Sit up for me now. There you go. Let me get you some water.”

He filled up a mug in the kitchen and returned. The old man took it in his feeble hands but Gabriel had to help him bring the mug to his lips. His lips which were now a shade whiter. Gabriel wondered how long this stash would last. A couple of weeks at the most. Although Julian McGowen was a fighter. He’d already outlasted his neighbour, Mrs Buttersfield, and she had been ten years younger than him. She did have kidney failure, though. It gave her blood an acidic quality. Not the best.

When a noise came from the kitchen, Julian nearly choked on his water. His pebbly eyes, yellowed with cataract, flew to Gabriel, fear alight in them.

“It’s okay. I brought a friend over. Everything’s okay.”

“A friend?” the old man asked. “You don’t usually bring friends over.”

Gabriel inwardly seethed. “No, no I don’t.” It wasn’t my choice, trust me.

“Becca says she sees you with a lovely lady. Is it her?”

Gabriel laughed lightly. “No, it’s not her. Now, let’s get you more comfortable so you can go back to sleep, okay?” He took the mug from the old man and helped him slide further down the bed so his head rested on the pillow. “Comfy? Okay, great. I’ll just be in the living room if you need me.”

“What are you even doing?” Gabriel dropped the mug in the sink.

Ezra closed one of the kitchen cupboards with a shrug. “Just being nosey. The guy’s got a whole drawer full of shortbread.”

“Well, you’ve outstayed your welcome. Julian is skitty enough as it is without having a stranger in his house.”

“Oh, so what does that make you? A friend?”

“Leave, Ezra. I mean it.”

“You’re not as subtle as you think you are, you know? There’s been more deaths here since we’ve moved in. People are starting to notice.”

“Yeah, and all those deaths have been people already about to croak.”

Ezra gazed out of the window into the back garden, clearly trying to look wise and distant. “I’m telling you. This is a small village. People are gonna get suspicious.”

“If anything, I’m helping this place. Old people are such a burden. What do they provide for this community? Nothing. I’m giving them painless deaths and ridding their families of their responsibilities.”

Ezra just looked at him and headed to the back door. “Whatever helps you sleep better,” he said before leaving. Gabriel rolled his eyes. That expression doesn’t even make sense for a vampire. We sleep when the suns up no matter what.

It wasn’t until 7.00am when Gabriel was disturbed again. He heard Becca heading up the driveway from his seat in front of the TV. He went to the sink to double check he had washed his glass and hung around looking busy until she came in. His throat automatically grew tight when the glass panelled door to the kitchen swooped open and their eyes locked.

“Anything to report?” she said in her usual chirpy manor.

Gabriel leant back against the counter trying to look casual. “Nope. Just the usual. All night medication is done.”

She smiled and his jaw clenched. She didn’t smile at him like she used to. She smiled at him like the help. Being polite to keep up appearances.

“Is he awake?”

“I don’t think so. But I’ll help you get him to his chair.”

She smiled that smile again. When she turned around to put her bags on the dining table, Gabriel squeezed his eyes shut and rubbed them. The silence that rang between them was stifling, but filling it with mindless chatter was just as bad.

Becca came back into the kitchen, now stripped of her big winter coat.

Underneath she was wearing a flowery dress, and wool tights. He couldn’t help but find her dedication to summer dresses endearing. It was 4 degrees outside.

“I’ll go check on him and call you in.”

Gabriel nodded and she left.

He waited, staring out the window, listening into their conversation.

“Another nightmare? Perhaps it’s your medication. Did you sleep through the night?” her voice was so soft when she spoke to her grandfather.

“Oh, it was terrible, Becca. So clear! I swear it’s like it was right here. Gabriel heard me and gave me some water. He had a friend over. Not the lady, I asked. I think he’s still single.”

Grandad.”

“You know, I don’t think he’s dated anyone since you.”

“Stop it now. We’re not talking about this.”

“I think he still likes you.”

Gabriel’s cheeks grew hot.

“It’s better this way. I need a man who shows up. And things would have just gotten complicated anyway. He’s your carer. I want you to be his top priority.”

“But I’m just an old man. And you do so much for me. You’re twenty-eight. You’re beautiful. You deserve a life of your own, Becks. A lovely man to take you on romantic getaways so you can stop worrying about silly old me.”

“I will never stop worrying about you. And I hope you’re not talking to Gabriel like this. I don’t need you to be my matchmaker.”

“Of course not. I wouldn’t embarrass you like that.”

Becca laughed. “Oh, I have a whole lifetime worth of memories to prove you wrong. Anyway, Gabriel and I will bring you into the living room for breakfast, okay?”

Hearing his cue, Gabriel started heading down the hallway. Becca popped her head around the bedroom door.

“Oh.” Her eyes brightened when she saw him ready. “Perfect timing.” Her cheeks flushed.

.

.

_____________________

.

.

Ezra lay in bed, listening to Gabriel making his way to his bedroom. He’d been cutting it fine. The sun was going to be up in less than half an hour. But he wasn’t going to say anything because he wouldn’t listen. He also wasn’t going to say anything about the sinking feeling he’s been having in his gut the past few nights. There was something in the air. He couldn’t quite put his finger on it but he just felt like this was a calm before the storm. There was going to be a shift of some sort. Perhaps it’s because this is the longest the three of them had stayed in the same location. Perhaps he’s just not used to ‘settling down’. They had all made roots here in the past five years. Maybe Ezra felt content? A feeling he wasn’t used to.

Whatever the odd sensation was, it was forgotten about as soon as the sun came up and he surrendered his to comatose state of slumber.

Ezra rolled out of bed with just enough time to shower and dress before his shift at the pub started. He crossed paths with Gabriel in the hallway.

“Fridge is looking low,” Gabriel said, flattening down the collar of his navy, wax jacket.

“I’m going to the city tomorrow. Should I get extra for you?”

Gabriel gave him an exhausted look. “I’ve got mine covered.”

Ezra mirrored his expression. He was fighting a losing battle, he knew it. But he was basically an ancient. At first it had been a blessing to have stopped aging at twenty, to be fresh-faced and youthful forever had its perks. But when it came down to trying to be taken seriously by Gabriel, Ezra was sure the bird-boned, boy body packaging that his knowledge and experience was wrapped up in was why he struggled so much.

“Anyway.” Gabriel sat on the stairs and shoved on his soft-soled care nurse trainers. “I’d better get going. Claudia gets pissy if I’m not there at shift change.”

“Alright, have a good night.” And just like that, it was like there had never been an altercation. Ezra and Gabriel had been dancing the same dance since they’d been brought together back in the late 1960s. Big festivals were the perfect hunting ground for their kind. Because drugs didn’t have an effect on them, the only way to get high was by drinking from someone under the influence. And with everyone hopped up on hallucinogens at those kinds of functions, stealth was no longer required. There was something so tantalizing about the 60s. The hedonistic lifestyle meant that everyone was free to be who they wanted to be, even those like Ezra and Gabriel.

They had met out there among the field of riving bodies, the music of the bands mixing in with the intoxicating rhythms of erratic heartbeats.

Back then there had been others, but, like with any friendship group, they had drifted apart. Some joined Nests. Some moved countries. Some died. Ezra and Gabriel entered the 80s with only each other. Gone were the recreational drug fuelled parties under the moonlight with strangers, replaced with moving from place to place, never staying long enough to form attachments to anyone else, all the while shame eating in the back of dark, dank alleys.

The two of them had been through a lot together and even though Gabriel liked to give him attitude every now and again, Ezra knew he wouldn’t still be living with him if he didn’t actually want to.

Ezra strolled into the kitchen and opened the fridge. Three milk bottles of blood rattled in the door. There was very little on the shelves. A couple of peppers, some butter, and two packs of eggs. If it hadn’t been for his progeny’s incessant need to cook, even if she couldn’t eat the food herself, there wouldn’t be anything else in there at all.

He filled a saucepan with one of the bottles of blood, drank down a glass and filled his thermos with the rest. He chucked the thermos into his backpack and headed to the door.

“Later, Lillian!” he called up the stairs. It was more of a routine than anything. He knew she was a heavy sleeper; the new ones always were.

.

.

.

The kid was on his phone again. Did he actually think standing behind the bar smiling down at his crotch didn’t look suspicious? But, no matter how unprofessional it looked, it wasn’t Ezra’s place to say anything. He wasn’t the manager. He could have been in charge of this place if he wanted to be. He had more than enough experience. But it always got confusing when he was asked to elaborate on said experience. How could a twenty-year-old have worked in hospitality for over fifteen years? It was just best to keep a low profile.

He wiped down the tables and brought the empty glasses back behind the bar. There he could clearly see Mitch scrolling through a news article. The News? Usually he was liking some Instagram model’s half naked pictures.

Mitch caught Ezra looking and instead of putting his phone away, he saw Ezra’s interest as permission to lean against the bar with his phone now on full display.

“You see this yesterday?”

Ezra shook his head.

“About the club that got raided?”

Ezra looked about the bar warily.

Mitch laughed. “Relax. It’s dead in here.” He waggled his phone and Ezra gave in. He came up beside him and leaned his forearms on the bar top to get a better look at the screen. As he read, he felt his legs start to go numb. His throat went dry. The backs of his eyes burned when he saw the picture of the club cordoned off with police tape. The club he had been planning to go to tomorrow night to pick up his next supply.

“Can you believe that shit?” Mitch let out a wild laugh. He was the type of guy that found the humour in everything. It made him a decent guy to work with – despite his lack of front of house etiquette. But this was no laughing matter. Ezra felt dizzy with this new information. He straightened and ran his hands through his tousled hair.

Mitch watched him and quirked an eyebrow. “You don’t actually think it’s real do you?” He looked back at his screen and kept scrolling. “I’m telling you. Just read the comments. It’s a load of bullshit. I’m sure it’s just some weird cult or something. Satanists. They exist, right? They do a load of dodgy shit like sacrificing chickens and whatnot.”

Ezra leaned back against the bar. His eyes were trained on the minifridge of beers but he felt like the ground was tilting.

“Whenever there’s blood involved, it’s cult shit. I mean, they were down in the club basement. And did you read how those guys were dressed? All in black leather and latex? Latex… huh. Actually, maybe it’s some sex thing.”

“I’m going on my break,” Ezra said and quickly headed into the back. He opened the fire door and looked up at the night sky.

He knew there had been a weird feeling in the air these past few nights. He’d sensed something was going to happen. Something that was going to completely upturn life as he knew it.

He took his phone out of his pocket and paused, taking a deep, calming breath, before typing the one word that now seemed to be on everyone’s lips.

VAMPIRE.

(Please let me know if this chapter is too long. If so, I'll cut the rest into Part 1 & 2)


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Wed Sep 09, 2020 8:10 am
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Shady wrote a review...



Hiya MissGangamash,

Thanks so much for requesting a review over in my WRFF thread! I'm excited to read your story! Let's jump right in...

He heard Becca heading up the driveway from his seat in front of the TV.


The subject of this sentence is really confusing. I get what you mean by it, but it sounds like Ezra is hearing Becca, as she heads up the driveway from the TV, which doesn't make sense. You could easily fix this by "From his seat in front of the TV, Ezra heard Becca heading up the driveway" or any number of variations, just make it clearer who is doing what, rather than having him on both ends of this.

~ ~ ~

I really like this chapter! I think it works really nicely as an opening chapter!

You give enough information to make this make sense, and also have a rich backstory, but not so much that it feels like an info-dump of information. That's really hard to pull off well, so great job with that!

The only critique I really have is I would like to see a more distinct personality for Ezra and Gabriel in this chapter. I was honestly having a bit of a hard time keeping it straight with who was who. I would like to have a more distinct voice for each of them -- although I do like the playful banter back and forth and the history that they share together.

I'm excited to read on!

Keep writing and Happy RevMo!

~Shady 8)

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Thanks so much for reading and reviewing!

I get what you mean about Gabriel and Ezra's personalities. This is the first draft so I was still getting to know them myself and figuring out who they are. As the chapters continue, you will see a clearer separation and more character development. But this is something I'm going to work on to get from the start when I do a big edit from start to finish.



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Fri Sep 04, 2020 7:22 pm
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mythh wrote a review...



Hey, it's Myth here with a review since you requested one, and I'm glad you did 'cause I'm beginning to dig this. Also, it's not that the chapter is too long, your plot just feels very packed when you give so much at once, so I'd suggest going with the 'part 1 and 2' idea. Anyway, let's get started with the review.

I'm not going to go into specifics and write this review just for you to read, and like @harryhardy says, (not in his exact words or maybe yeah but) feel free to put aside anything that doesn't help you.

Gabriel crossed his legs at his ankles and sighed in bliss, lifting the whiskey glass of blood to his lips whilst catching up on the new BBC drama he has been finding rather compelling. Although he did think the story only needed three episodes, there was no need to drag it out for six.


I think the introduction's pretty cool and dramatic. It's one of those that make you raise both your eyebrows and go, "Oh, okay! Damn," especially at the part that says "lifting the whiskey glass of blood to his lips". One more thing. I think you can just leave 'whiskey glass' as 'glass', 'cause the 'whiskey' feels a little forced and out of place there.

I almost forgot! I think this chapter is long enough for you to split it into three parts - as a single chapter of course - but yeah! Good God, I wouldn't want anyone to not read this thing just 'cause it looks so long. I personally love it!

So, the plot in the first part. I like this thing about Julian and Becca. Always lovely to see a ship grow! And... Dude, they're killing old people? Wow, that's kinda unique and thoughtful, especially for vampires. I mean, they're thinking in a good way that's not disturbing at all. For vampires, that is.

I like where the plot is going. It's just the introduction of characters and a small idea of where the story is going. I like it. I can't wait for the next chapter, but you should definitely split this into two or three parts. It will make it easier to read. Thanks again, for requesting for a review, because I'm glad I found this to read. It was definitely worthwhile.

Have a nice day.

Yours sincerely,
Myth

__|_|__

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Thank you for accepting my request! So glad you enjoyed the read!

I'm assuming you mean shipping Gabriel and Becca. Julian and Becca would be an entirely different story XD

Yeah, I was worried about the length, that's why I've started cutting them up. Is there any way I can cut the first few in half without it messing up the order of my chapters? I'm still getting my head around this website.

Looking forward to your reviews of my other chapters. I hope the story keeps you engaged :D

Thanks again!



mythh says...


Oh, yes, I think that should be clearer because in the first part it was a little confusing, who was speaking but I apologize for mixing it up.



mythh says...


Also, cutting length... Maybe you could split the parts where a character leaves or enters? It would be like a fresher scene to start from?



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Wed Jul 15, 2020 3:39 pm
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Cherrymary says...



Hi! I really enjoy your story so far. I found a few minor mistakes, but those could just be me.

-“If you’re just going to sit there and complain, you know where the door is.” He finally turned and shot at pointed look at Ezra, sitting in the corner playing on his phone.

I think the first at should be replaced with a.

- The old man took it in his feeble hands but Gabriel had to help him bring the mug to his lips. His lips which were now a shade whiter.

I think it might make more sense if you joined the sentences together so it read:
The old man took it in his feeble hands but Gabriel had to help him bring the mug to his lips, which were now a shade whiter. This also may just be a misunderstanding on my part.

-There’s been more deaths here since we’ve moved in. People are starting to notice.” I believe it should be there have instead of there's.

I hope this helped. Have a great day!






Glad you enjoyed reading! Thanks for pointing out my errors. I%u2019ll get them changed :)



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Wed Jul 15, 2020 3:39 pm
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Cherrymary wrote a review...



Hi! I really enjoy your story so far. I found a few minor mistakes, but those could just be me.

-“If you’re just going to sit there and complain, you know where the door is.” He finally turned and shot at pointed look at Ezra, sitting in the corner playing on his phone.

I think the first at should be replaced with a.

- The old man took it in his feeble hands but Gabriel had to help him bring the mug to his lips. His lips which were now a shade whiter.

I think it might make more sense if you joined the sentences together so it read:
The old man took it in his feeble hands but Gabriel had to help him bring the mug to his lips, which were now a shade whiter. This also may just be a misunderstanding on my part.

-There’s been more deaths here since we’ve moved in. People are starting to notice.” I believe it should be there have instead of there's.

I hope this helped. Have a great day!






sorry I never replied, I thought I had. Thanks for pointing out the mistakes!



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Tue Jul 14, 2020 1:06 pm
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RadDog13579 wrote a review...



Hello! Great story so far. The only minor issue is that you have a lot of dialogue. It got a little confusing trying to figure out who was talking. It would be great to have some stuff in between the large dialogue segments to help break it up and make it easier to digest. I hope this helped! Also, your question at the end, the chapter is not to long at all. I can't wait for the next chapter.






Thanks for the review and the suggestions!

Glad you liked it and I hope you enjoy where I take the story :)



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Tue Jul 14, 2020 2:21 am
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Overwatchful wrote a review...



Hello, Stormblessed here!

Wow, this was an interesting read! The idea of modern day vampires living incognito makes for a good story. and the way that you wrote it definitely makes it clear the that the vampires are the protagonists.

There weren't many mistakes that I could find, except that you need more speech tags. If you don't have enough of these, it makes it unclear who's talking.
The other thing is that after Ezra calls goodbye to Lillian, and then it switches over to the kid on his phone, or feels sudden and and it takes a moment to realize that some time has elapsed. Try either adding and extra space between the two, or putting a dashed line there.
Besides these, I think it was great! I cant wait to read the rest. This chapters long, but definitely not too long.

Hope this helped!
Stormblessed242






Thank you! I try to do my own spin on the vampire genre. I love stories where supernatural beings are living mundane lives haha.

The part was separated in the original doc but has been squashed together when I copied and pasted. I've fixed it now. Thanks for pointing it out!

If the other chapters are any longer than this one I'll chop them up :)




Properly trained, a man can be dog's best friend.
— Corey Ford