z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Glorious Fantasy Ch.12: Kitty Army

by MeatBunCat


“As cute a scene as this it,” Lore interrupts Ellie and me during out bonding moment. Rude. “What’s the next step?”

“Next step?” Ellie asked, tilting her head. Since I was still clinging to her, she had to steer my unsteady body so that she could look at Lore.

“Well, you made sure Mist won’t become a crazed murderer; Which is great, but what about getting used to the process of killing in the first place. Which was our whole worry.” Actually that is a good point. That whole event did nothing but make me even more scared of killing.

“...Werewolves have to fight the urge to slaughter anything we see when hungry, we have no system for encouraging killing. But that is okay, I believe in milady’s strong heart.” You just argued you had to do that before because I was too kind! What are you playing at?

Why did I thank you?

Other then to have an excuse to hug you, Ellie. Curse, why did you make me realize how comfortable it feels to hug things?

“Ellie, are you trying to scare Mist away from fighting?” Lore said after a few seconds of silence.

“...”

Ellie, come on deny it, make my thank you have an excuse.

“Ellie?”

“I would never do that to milady.” Ellie quickly replied. Ah, see I can believe in that.

Totally not suspicious at all.

Turns out I am not the insta-kill spell caster my first kill made me out to be. Of course if I thought about how a point blank shot failed to go all the way through, that would have been obvious. After I could steady myself, Lore says what she originally planned, they would fight, hold various monsters from attacking me or running away, and just have me pot shot them until they die. Again it turns out, I am not the insta-kill spell caster I thought I was.

Conk!

“Milady, it’s not dead.”

“I know!” I shout.

Conk!

Conk!

The first monster we run into a monster Lore calls a Bloody lance, a monster that resembles a bull sized toad mixed with a sword fish. While Ellie easily held the monster still, I repeated used Air Hammer on it. The first left a small hole, the second destroyed its eye, with the third finally killing it as it broke through the monsters rib cage. Okay, air hammer is not as powerful as I thought it was.

Horrified as I was, I completely ignore Ellies lesson, and distract myself. As we hunt for the next monster I start thinking. I thought of air hammer as me throwing heavy air. A simple wall of pressure slamming into the enemy with a small burst of weight slamming it forward from behind.

Efficient mana wise, but clearly useless unless all my enemies stand still as I slowly beat them to death. A gruesome and probably disrespectful way of fighting. Let’s see, I can define shape, clearly, otherwise I couldn’t mimic a hammer of heavy air. As the shape seemed to have been decided by how I imagine a hammer, I’ll go with that. A better shape for a projectile, would of course be something slender and sharp, like a sword, or a bullet.

“Target found milady.” Ellie growled, shifting forms before turning into a blur, tackling what looked like a miniature rhino made out of grass. Like everything else here so far, she easily subdued the monster, and then kept letting it go. I realize this is a place for beginners, but I feel like I am way too far behind.

“Mist, it’s a Green Horn, it’s fatal points are its stomach, and heart, it has no brain.” Lore said, making no move to help Ellie.

“Got it.” Okay. Should I stick with the same name since it’s just a shape change, or do I go with another name? “Air Bullet!” since the shape is defined by my imagination, let’s pick something that gives that image.

A screech filled the air as the bullet I created rocked straight into the Green Horn.

And a one hit kill. Perfect.

“Yes!” I can’t help but shout as the best falls to the ground.

“An efficient kill milady.”

“Mist, did you just make a new spell?”

“Yes?” Is there something wrong with that?

“Mh, on to the next fight.” Is there something wrong with that? Tell me! Before I can voice my thoughts though, a low growl sounds.

“I smell a lot of mad cats.” Ellie said, moving herself closer to me.

“That loud spell likely alerted quite a few monsters, but none of them would come towards the sound. This is weird.”

The valley, while mostly uncovered was made almost entirely of waves, layers and layers of hills that made me feel like we were out at sea when mixed with the tall grass that waved around us. Which is why Ellies werewolf nose was so useful, even a valley can be hard to see through in this sort of setting. To the point that I can hardly call this a valley at all. As we looked around, from over one hill, not only did ‘a lot’ of med cats appear. But a massive wave of them came, the charging mass of beast barrelling down the hill.

“Run.” Lore simply muttered, rather than waste time, she quickly picks me up, bolting in the opposite direction.

Ellie and Lore rush through the valley with the many mad cats in hot pursuit.

“Turn me around!” I shout. “I can slow them down with spells.”

“Won’t you just attract more?”

“I’ll stick to my first spell then, but it’s better than nothing.” I argue.

“Fine.” Rather than turning me around she throws me at Ellie, who easily catches me.

I’m not that light, these two are just too strong.

She casually drops me on her back as she runs, holding me up until I have a proper hold on her, somehow never losing to Lore’s pace while distracted with me.

Okay, first spell.

“Air Hammer.” I will more magic into it before I left go.

Clonk!

The mad cat I was aiming at is hit in one of its legs, flipping out before it’s quickly trampled by its brethren. These things are too crazed, even for something called mad.

“Air Hammer.” I shout again, and again, each shot, while not killing directly at least resulted in something stumbling. Which distracted the mad cats, and got the tripped one crushed. I continued on, somehow ignoring the bile in my throat from all this death enough to help us distance ourselves from the giant cats. But rather than stopping, they kept running. Only stopping when night fell and we were deep in a forest.

From there, Ellie jumped into the trees, forcing Lore to follow.

“Are they still following us?” Lore asked, landing next to the still wolfed Ellie.

“Yes.”

“Can’t cats climb trees?” I can’t help but say.

“Even though they look like cats, they are not smart enough to do anything to us this high up.” Lore muttered looking at the forest floor. So those doom kittens from when I first got here were unique? Because they seemed to know what they were doing.

“Are you okay Mist? You used a lot of magic.”

“I’m okay, I just need to rest a bit.” I lie through my teeth. I used over fifty spells throughout the day, most of them within that run, yet I am not even slightly tired. I don’t know the rules of this world, but I think I broke a few records and made rookie of the year. But I can’t distract everyone with how much of a cheat I am thanks to how I min/maxed my base states right now.

The first of the mad cats rushed into the forest, and like they did when I first came to this world, they slammed their heads into the tree we were on, like they already knew exactly where we were.

“What?!” Lore freaked as she watched the bloody headed monster back up for another headbutt.

“Lore, let’s move to another tree.”

It slammed its head into the tree again, hitting hard enough to kill itself.

“What’s wrong with these beast?” Lore looked over at Ellie who simply shrugged.

They’re acting like the ones where I first showed up in this world, but these ones are clearly far weaker than the ones who attacked me. But that does not matter much since a army of these creatures is coming.

------------------------

Authors Note: It's a cat-tastrophy!

Funded by: @KaiRyu


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Sun Mar 26, 2017 2:25 pm
Carlito wrote a review...



Hello again! :D

This might be a shorter review because I don't want to repeat too much of what I've said in previous reviews. I think this chapter is right on the cusp - I liked the action at the end, but the beginning fell more flat for me and because of that I don't think the ending had as much oomph as it could have had.

Like I said in previous reviews, I think one thing that would help is slowing down and describing more. This chapter fell back into that lots of dialogue pattern, and while dialogue is great, it's not adding a lot of body and oomph to the scene. You've got some talking heads going on, and I think the dialogue could become more of a plot vehicle. Have I linked you the dialogue section of the knowledge base before? Peruse that and see if you find anything helpful to you :) Dialogue is awesome and I'm glad you're using a lot of dialogue because you have a lot of interesting and fun characters and it's fun to see them interact. It can also be a great way to move the plot along, but I think yours can be beefed up just a bit.

Turns out I am not the insta-kill spell caster my first kill made me out to be. Of course if I thought about how a point blank shot failed to go all the way through, that would have been obvious. After I could steady myself, Lore says what she originally planned, they would fight, hold various monsters from attacking me or running away, and just have me pot shot them until they die. Again it turns out, I am not the insta-kill spell caster I thought I was.

Here, I feel like a lot of time is passing and Mist is continuing to learn, but I'm not sure how much time has passed or what all she has really done during this time. I think you could slow this down and show more. I think I talked about something similar in one of my previous reviews and I mentioned that you don't have to show every single detail because I get that you're trying to pass some time, but give us a liiiittle bit more :)

And then at the end when we get to the mad cats, I would love that slowed down a little too with a lot more descriptions. Describing is also one of my weaknesses, but for an action-packed scene like this, I want to feel like I'm right there with Mist and everyone else. Take me there with her and let my heart start to race with hers and feel everything she is feeling. Tricky to do, but when you do it, it's awesome! Think about the five senses, thoughts, and setting and show us everything! Someone once suggested to me that I try over-describing because what feels like over-describing will probably actually be enough, OR if it really is too much, it's much easier to cut some description out than add more in. That's been helpful to me, so maybe it'll be helpful to you as well!

I'll leave things there for now, but let me know if you have any questions as always! :D I'm going to go get caught up on some other stories and I'll be back soon for the next few chapters!




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Sun Jan 29, 2017 9:54 pm
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Dracula wrote a review...



Hey there, MeatBunCat! Happy Review Day (or what's left of it)! :D

“As cute a scene as this it,” Lore interrupts Ellie and me during out bonding moment. Rude. “What’s the next step?”
Interrupts me and Ellie during OUR bonding moment. This was a good way to begin the chapter, straight into the action from where we left off.

Ellie, come on deny it, make my thank you have an excuse.
You need to switch some commas around to make this sentence flow better. 'Deny it' definitely should be a phrase on its own.

The first monster we run into a monster Lore calls a Bloody lance, a monster that resembles a bull sized toad mixed with a sword fish.
I love the description of your monster! That's very unique and weird.

While Ellie easily held the monster still, I repeated used Air Hammer on it.
I think you mean to say 'I repeatedly used Air Hammer...'

[b]“Mh, on to the next fight.” Is there something wrong with that? Tell me! Before I can voice my thoughts though, a low growl sounds.[b]
Throughout this chapter, I often got confused about what was your character's direct thought (like dialogue, but thought) and what was her first person narration. The above sentence is a good example. I think you should italicise her thoughts, or differentiate between them somehow.

Other than that, though, there's nothing major for me to pick on. Your characters are well thought-out and I liked the detail you put into all the different spells (if I can do them that). It had a very video-game/anime vibe to it. The way you ended the chapter also made it feel like an episode ending.

Thanks for sharing!

Image




MeatBunCat says...


I started out with everything in [i] that she thought, but for some reason when I do that, everything starts to weirdly space out, with no obvious solution, so I am holding off on that for now.

Thank you for your thoughts and suggestions.

Happy to hear that you enjoyed the story~



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Sun Jan 29, 2017 7:13 pm
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MissGangamash wrote a review...



Hello! Happy Review Day!

As I've not read the previous chapters I can't say anything about the overall story so I'll just comment on this chapter itself.

So... there are a few mistakes:

“As cute a scene as this it,” - 'it' should be 'is'

"..during out bonding moment." - 'out' should be 'our'

"..crazed murderer; Which is great, but what.." - wrong use of ';' I think it should just be a comma? or 'crazed murderer - which is great - but what...'

'Other then to have an..' - 'then' should be 'than'

"..." - This isn't needed. Remove it and just say that Mist stayed silent.

The jump between the conversation and the 'Conk!' of her attacking a monster is quite jarring. As I haven't read the previous chapter, I don't exactly know where the characters are but if there are monsters about, it should be pointed about before she is killing it. Or if there is a break between these two parts, make it more obvious. I know sometimes changing a word document into this format can remove the large breaks in the text.

'..I completely ignore Ellies lesson,' - Ellie's lesson, you forgot the apostrophe. You've done it a few times.

I'm a little confused as to why Mist is so mute in the first half and only speaks through her thoughts. At first I thought maybe she was paralyzed somehow and couldn't speak and that was why she was being carried, but that doesn't seem to be the case. Maybe it is part of her character that she doesn't speak up, but it came across as a bit odd.

You also jump from present to past tense a lot.

“Run.” Lore simply muttered,' is past tense, 'She casually drops me on her back as she runs,' is present tense.

It's a mistake I used to always do and is hard to spot on your own.

Anyway, sorry I can't really comment on your whole story but I hope this review helps a bit.




MeatBunCat says...


I'm a little confused as to why Mist is so mute in the first half and only speaks through her thoughts. At first I thought maybe she was paralyzed somehow and couldn't speak and that was why she was being carried, but that doesn't seem to be the case. Maybe it is part of her character that she doesn't speak up, but it came across as a bit odd.


Part of it is how the character grew up, and part of it has to do with the situation they are in.
If you want to know and don't plan to read:
Spoiler! :
Mist was originally a 16 year old boy named David from our world, David spent most of his life isolated in his own interest, so simply is used to saying very little. After being dragged into this fantasy world he ended up in a female body, and is actually freaked out by the sound of his new female voice. So usually only talks when she/he needs to. It's only been 3 days since he ended up here at this point in the story, he will gradually get used to his new voice, and social interaction as time goes on.


As for why Mist is being carried, its because Mist is a fast, but low stamina mage. While Lore is a agility based warrior, and Ellie is a unusually fast tank.

Beyond that, thank you for all of your grammar advice.

I hope you were able to enjoy the story even without context. ^.^





Ahh, thanks for clearing that up. Your character's backstory sounds very interesting - very unique!

Good luck with your novel :)



MeatBunCat says...


I hope it interested you enough to go back and catch up on the story~

I don't expect a bunch of reviews, given how far along I am, but I wanna have more readers.




I will call them my people, which were not my people; and her beloved, which was not beloved.
— Romans 9:25