My Whispers On the Ocean

Two shattered hearts,
and one broken dream. this doesn't call for a period, a comma should suffice.
Nothing was ever
as it seemed. You never really explained what wasn't what it seemed.

Your watery eyes,
my drowning sorrows. Good imagery! I like how you tied watery with drowning... But, I think this line could be helped if you switched 'my' and 'drowning' so it read 'drowning my sorrows'
Just like before,
my heart is hollow.

And the passion that echoes
through this untamed heart, You've described your heart as 'hollow' which mean the opposite of passion coursing through it.. You're contradicting yourself and the mood of the poem here
will forever keep our bodies,
billions of worlds apart. 'Billions' is too clumsy of a word, try another

I'll just forget you,
you'll just forget me,
and only the pictures
will hold the memories.

So hold your breath,
and count down,
but I'll never
come back around. Up until now you've seemed like you wished you could be closer with your 'bodies billions of worlds apart'. You should either rewrite the stanza to fit that or add another about how you regret this desicion, something to smooth out the plotline

Say a prayer,
or make a wish, For what?
you'll still hold my heart
in your clenched fists. fantastic last two lines, i can visualize this really well.


Good luck and keep writing!

Awesome job, man! Keep it up! I love how simple the words and yet, they show how deep the emotion is in the poem. My only problem is that some of the lines are too short. The tempo seems to get broken. (Wait, I'm not sure if you call that tempo o.o) And the title's slightly hard to connect with the poem. Perhaps, it's just me. xD

I really like the changes you made to it since you first wrote it; i liked it then, but now it's just that much more spectacular! I still think someday you should turn it into a song(:
This is one of my favorites of anything you've written... not necessarily the meaning behind it, or who it was written for, but i definitely know that it shows your emotion truly and respectively and i love it.
Congratulations - you still continue to impress me a little more each and every day(:

-PurpleHeart <3

I absolutely adore this poem! I like the rhythm of it, and as someone said before, the rhyme doesn't sound forced at all.
The point of the poem is very good too, and I'm sure a lot of us have experienced that.
I enjoyed reading this, and I would love to read more of your work.
Well done!

What a beautiful poem! I really don't have any constructive criticism. I actually liked it better when it did not rhymn for this particular poem.

you'll still hold my heart
in your clenched fists.

--> hello! first of all, I'll tell you, you are one of my fave poets here on YWS. read Morgan's lullaby etc. and now, "My Whispers On The Ocean".

--> The message: a man immigrating to another place, which made it impossible for them to continue a relationship. :O (that's what I think is the message.)

--> love it, y'know! haha! *speechless-now* darn, it.

love,
CS

You seem to be quite popular on the featured works section. I can see why. This was great. I especially loved how you ended it. That's always a good area to leave an impression on your readers. Awesome job, Matt. Keep up the good work.

I love this! Again, you put a ton of emotion into this poem as I have noticed that you do with many of our other poems, and I really liked it! I loved the rhythm that you used, as well as the powerful words that portrayed the emotions perfectly. Really good job here! :)

hey again... Firstly I would like to tell you that I have started loving your poetry.... Brilliant and deep felt...
The only thing which I feel needed improvement was:

And until it becomes tame,
tomorrow can't be the same.

Wow, that was really good!
I could really feel your emotion in that piece, and the rhyming didn't really sound forced at all. Great title too.

And until it becomes tame,
tomorrow can't be the same.

Say a prayer,
or make a wish,
you'll still hold my heart
in your clenched fists.

I absolutely adore this poem! it is fantastic. I would say almost perfect except for one thing. I would delete the two-lined stanza in the middle. It splits up the poem and disrupts the flow and rhythm. I think the point is actually told better without it disrupting my thoughts. It seemed like an after thought. While it tries to stem the gap between the two mid-stanza's i think it does more harm than good. That's just my opinion. I think this is an amazing piece of work, and it deserves to be featured like the rest of your work haha. great job!

Tommybear