When you smile, when you talk,
The way you laugh, and the way you walk,
All reminds me of a time,
When life was easy, no rhythm or rhyme -
Can you promise me now, forevermore?
I have this heart, a heart that's yours,
'Cause when we smile, when we talk,
And when we laugh, you send that shock,
Right up my spine and to the eyes,
You opened to a world, that once was blind -
And now I see and now I hear,
The bells that have rung, for thousands of years,
They call to me, they bring me home,
Now read my lips, and come back home.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,581 Literary Works • 673,530 Reviews
When I get inspired, it's usually from something I want to do very badly.
Inspiration for this....
Taking a spring walk with the one I love.
I love this poem and I like the part you wrote about opening your eyes to worlds that have been blind, I think. But, yeah I really liked this poem and I am going to press the like poem. Keep writing and I'll keep reading, for sure. But, where did the inspiration for this poem come from?
Hello there.
Like Penguin said before, your rhyming is inconsistent.You do for the first two stanzas and then you don't. I know you said you like rhymes that aren't at the end of the poem, but like it or not, the end of the verses in the first stanzas rhyme. You don't have to change all of it so it's consistent, but I'm just saying it's confusing.
Other then that, it looks pretty good. I don't see any grammatical errors, so that's always good.
Keep writing!
-Other One
I'm not really a fan of poetry but this poem was amazing, the title just draws you in
I like the first verse it has a ring to it i wil be saying that all day 
(When you smile and when you talk. The way you laugh, the way you walk. It all reminds me of a time.When life was easy, no rhythm or rhyme.) Well done and welcome to the site don't be afraid to ask me for anything 
Thank you for your opinion! However, if you read the poem out loud, you will notice the subtlety of the rhyming. I prefer to rhyme the middle of words, such as long "i" sounds, rather than the end like most people.
Hi Matt!
I really like your title for some reason; I think it’s a fitting and pleasant sentence.
The poem itself, well! You’ve picked a hard form here (in my opinion) by writing in rhyme, which I’m never really game to do. So the first thing to say is a big “thank you” for trying it out and letting me read it because if I didn’t review rhyming poetry, I’d never read it at all.
I’ve just noticed that you don’t rhyme the whole way though, only in the first strophe. This is a big problem for your reader (me) not just because it’s confusing. The problem with rhyming sometimes and not all of the time is that is throws off the tone and the rhythm of your poem. Your reader is busy trying to work out why you started rhyming and then suddenly stopped, which makes all the subsequent lines look very odd – because we expect them to be rhymes. If the majority of your poem is going to be without rhyme, I would suggest you nix the rhymes in the first strophe as well. This would actually work toward the meaning of your poem, as you talk about time without the rhymes, and the poem is an example of such a time.
The next point is punctuation. You use punctuation here, which is great to see, but you’re using it in a way which makes each line of your poem feel like a statement. When writing poetry, the general rule of thumb (but not the concrete rule, if you’re playing with this on purpose, ignore my rambling!) is that you want the poem to flow, to have a rhythm which would be pleasant to say out loud. Adding all of the periods you have makes the poem start and stop very abruptly, and the reader struggles to find footing in the story you’re giving. I would suggest you make this into a paragraph and punctuate as you would prose, and then add in your line breaks however you feel. This way you’ll be grammatically okay and you’ll also give across your narrative more smoothly.
I know I’ve talked about how you’ve written this rather than what you’ve written and that may be disconcerting. If you want a further critique, please feel free to PM me or contact me on my wall. The main reason I’ve reviewed in this way is that your presentation is getting in the way of your meaning. I can say that your final line doesn’t fit well with the rest of your poem as it doesn’t feel like an ending at all. And the second strophe you have (the couplet) is awkward and ill suited to the tone and feel of your poem. However, altering the rhyme and the punctuation may aid both of these things, as they’ll add a sense of continuity to the story.
Again, feel free to contact me about anything at all, I’ve really enjoyed reading your work.
- Penguin.