As if I Never Existed

Hi. I just wanted to say this is really amazing. The message was powerful, and the emotions grabbed me. I almost started crying when I read this, I can really relate to it.

As for corrections, I saw nothing really wrong with it. : ) Really nice job.

~Teardrop

Hey,

I think what you've done here is grab a bunch of nice flowery sounding words and putting them together. You're telling me that 'the edges are inviting, so lustrous, and so sharp.' but how are they sharp? How are they lustrous? How do they invite you? It's a pretty good poem even though it's a rather cliche topic. I'm guilty of doing teen emo suicide all the time too, but I'm trying to branch out. It's been done and redone and redone again. Not all teens want to kill themselves or cut or do drugs or smoke or anything. Some teens are normal. You have great vocabulary but I think the mechanics need a bit work.

My Favorite Line: 'Surfaces to the tarnished sleeves'

Grade: B+

~Jas

But it's bloodshed - the taking away of life. The taking away of life is a sin. But it's worth it if it's my own life.

The sin. Blood reveals the sin. Does blood not symbolize life? Maybe the sin IS life.

*stares down at my cuts* *raises my tear-stained face* not enough words to describe how i feel right now. *lays on ground and stares at the sky with my scarred arms at my side*

Personally, I don't write poetry but I enjoy reading it. This poem was absolutely superb! I feel that you captured the emotion perfectly and really went into detail of the seduction of a blade to certain people. I really enjoyed reading this and hope that you post more soon! :)

Matthew(:
I know you wanted more a response, but when i posted that i was quickly running out of time... so i'll respond again.

This is so incredible!
i think you did such a great job of portaying your feelings and mixing them in with your actions.
The revisions you made changed it, but it didn't really alter it - the emotion you wanted is still there, which is good.
Some of the rhyming could maybe be a little better - maybe - but overall i like the way the words flow when you read it out loud.
This is one of my favorites of yours(:

-PurpleHeart <3

Hi Matt,

I'm pretty surprised you have three featured pieces. But a review for you:

Trying to break my own knife,
and failing to dust my lost pen.
To write this pain, that's so hard to swallow,
as it creeps up my throat again.

The edges are so inviting,
so lustrous, and so sharp.
My skin, at the thought, starts crawling
as I cut at my own heart.

The slow trickle of blood,
seeping from my wrists again,
surfaces to the tarnished sleeves
revealing my deepest and darkest sin.

well well.... Your poems are just brilliant!!!:) I literally love reading them...!! And now I see that short poems are your kind..Nice kinds. This was also a good piece. And again I liked the rhyme scheme a lot. You have developed a kind of aura of tragedy around the whole thing which gives it the brilliance.... LOVE IT!!!
Keep writing more brilliant stuff:)
Harshita...

I love it. I feel the emotion in it. What is it about? Suicide?

Trying to break my own knife,
and failing to dust my lost pen. This was confusing to me.
To write this pain, that's so hard to swallow, This doesn't sound right either
as it creeps up my throat again.

The edges are so inviting,
so lustrous, and so sharp.
My skin, at the thought, starts crawling What thought?
as I cut at my own heart.

The slow trickle of blood,
seeping from my wrists again,
surfaces to the tarnished sleeves Love this line
revealing my deepest and darkest sin. I think you should take out either "deepest" or "darkest" use only one

These actions aren't glorified,
they're inside of me, so deep,
But they gave me what I wanted;
Peaceful, dark, and eternal sleep.

Wow. As I read this the emotions just jumped out at me. This poems seems to be my life story, about cutting and all. My favorite line is this:

My deepest and darkest sin

Dude...
That was seriously haunting. It made me shiver. Seriously. It was crazy good. (This is quite an I'm-in-awe review. XP)

i love the emoness of this, its a beautiful poem, full of thought and putts in alott of pain, showing feeling and i love it id love to know the story behind this <3

Beautiful, Matt. That's all I'll say.

+ Whoa, great poem. It was truly dramatic in a sense that it gives me the concept that the guy /speaker of the poem was suiciding. :]

+ Well, I just hope that some of the words would rhyme (sounds better that way, I guess). I think the other YWers have said enough about your poem, so, I just dropped by to say that this is really good just like "Morgan's lullaby" :3

--> CS

'Ello there! LPR here to review!

MattLangg wrote:Trying to break my own knife,
and failing to dust my lost pen.
To write this pain, that's so hard to swallow,
as it creeps up my throat again. Wow. Very full of deep emotion.

The edges are so inviting,
so lustrous, and so sharp.
My skin, at the thought, starts crawling
as I cut at my own heart. Eeee. Last line is a bit boringish, in my opinion.

The slow trickle of blood,
seeping from my wrists again,
surfaces to the tarnished sleeves
revealing my deepest and darkest sin. Wow. Very full of emotion again. Last line really cut me deep.

These actions aren't glorified,
they're inside of me, so deep,
But they gave me what I wanted;
Peaceful, dark, and eternal sleep. Waaaa. Don't die! But a good ending to a sad, dark, emotional poem.

Matt,
That is a amazing and heart renching poem.I love how you used un rhyming rhymes and drew them together.The emotion was so bold and shadowy.The adjectives are well used and extremely strong.The last stanza was a blood chilling end.It suffices everything very well.The words echoe in my head.Your imagery could use some work.The base is well built but I think it lacks visual coherence.[flash=]visual coherence is when you can imagine and the poem paints a picture in your head.[/flash]I would say its a magnifiscent poem and needs some work.Good luck!
~Spartacus~

When my time came I knew my heart was gone my soul already dead a short life to live but hardly a life at all to me this was the break I needed as I cut away my last breath ~dreamer~

omg! i love this! its awesome!

I'm speechless. This is truly amazing. You are a gifted writer, and the emotion conveyed in this is just overwhelming. It's a work of art, and you have such an enticing way that you work with words. I just love it Makes me wanna read more.

The only suggestions I can make are:

Trying to break my own knife,
and failing to dust my lost pen. This line is a bit confusing. Maybe switch out dust for something a little more descriptive?
To write this pain, that's so hard to swallow,
as it creeps up my throat again

The slow trickle of blood,
seeping from my wrists again,
surfaces to the tarnished sleeves
revealing my deepest and darkest sin. This last line here was brilliant ^_^

MattLangg wrote:Trying to break my own knife,
and failing to dust my lost pen. Exact same structure as the last line.
To write this pain, that's so hard to swallow, What? Weird wording.
as it creeps up my throat again.

The edges are so inviting,
so lustrous, and so sharp. I really don't like the repetition. There are better ways to emphasize this.
My skin, at the thought, starts crawling At what thought? This sounds really strange.
as I cut at my own heart.

The slow trickle of blood,
representing everything I've had, I really don't like it when people say that something represents something, like they think the reader would be too dumb to figure it out if they said it differently. Plus, it's a prime example of telling and not showing.
surfaces to the tarnished sleeves Not sure what this means.
that covered up everything that was bad. "Bad" is so bland.

These actions aren't glorified,
they come from an echoing cave so deep. Too long. And "so deep" sounds really weird.
But they gave me what I wanted;
Peaceful, dark, and eternal sleep. Don't like the triple adjectives here.

Great poem here You did a great job with portraying your feelings. You poem was short and yet to the point. I really liked this part here:

The edges are so inviting,
so lustrous, and so sharp.
My skin, at the thought, starts crawling
as I cut at my own heart.

Hey Matt,

I’ve come for the review you requested. You requested a more in-depth analysis for this one, and I’m happy to give it. To be on the level, I will note that rhyme has never been one of my favourite elements. As such, I’m going to ignore that for the time being and focus more on your subject matter and how you treat it.

Here we go. Your couplets are working against you here. They’re chopping up the rhythm and the flow of the poem, and I think that the feeling of the poem is asking for a smooth roll down toward your end lines. Push it together, separate the poem on the different sections instead; Pain/heart/action or something similar. Give the poem a chance to move and roll with the words. Which also brings me to the punctuation, your use of capitalisation is slightly off and fixing that would really help my personal read of the poem. I’d also like to see you play with the sentences a little more, with how they run together and how the meaning changes as you add or retract commas and such.

The content of the poem is hard to talk about here, so I think I’ll have to be hardline about it. This is an emo poem (blood, pain, pens, rararar) and I’ve heard all of this before. Your best image and therefore line, is “As I cut at my own heart” because it isn’t “in” or “out”, it’s “at” which is a new way to look at it. However you follow this with a generic “slow blood, sad thoughts” which emo poetry is very up on. I think you have the skill to work this much better.

THIS REVIEW is paused midway. I'm sorry, I'll get back and finish it soon! Normally, I'd wait to post, but I didn't want to forget it entirely.

- Penguin.

Usually I don't review poems but after I read this one I found that I had to. This is a really good one. I could feel the emotions that you put into it. Needless to say, it was an enjoyable read.
- Shadow

I'm lovin' the effort, Morgan. haha xD

Umm... yea. This is really good.

That was a nice poem. ^_^ I like the simplicity of it and how it is direct to the point. And you did a good job making me feel the pain when I read the fourth stanza! xD It was so dramatic/tragic though. Well, that's why it's under 'Dramatic Poetry' XD.

Thanks! I was trying to rhyme the "ar" noise inside the words, but I guess it didn't have that effect.

I love your poem! I really felt the emotion. I like rhyme but there are two words that I don't think really rhyme:
"sharp" and "heart". But that's ok

Keep 'em coming!