Morgan's Lullaby

Your angelic, soft hair,Good good, except soft doesn't quite go with angelic
and your shimmering brown eyes. Does brown really shimer?
Your sweet voice, flowing in the air,
was what made me realize; This flows a bit akward from the last line
There's more to tears than sadness,
and there's more to life than death.I really liked this combo of sadness and death
So don't cry, darling, that's madness. Akward rhythm to this line. Try " darling because that's madness"
Just let me hold you while you rest. Is this part of the last stanza? It doesn't flow with it so it doesn't make sense
Feel the warmth of a timeless love
from these arms, as gentle as a dove. So why did you go to AABB rhyme here? It was ABAB before?
Now lay your head upon my chest,
as whispering dreams flow at their best.

I find this really sweet. It made me go awww inside. I really enjoyed. By the way, the start of a new line in a poem, whatever the word, usually starts with a capital letter.
Overwise, I really liked it. So well done!

Hey Matt... Welcome to YWS!!! You'll love it here...
I really liked your poem... The only thing which I felt wrong was the size... I would have liked it more if it would have been longer because then you would have been able to express more feelings. Otherwise considering the length you have done a great job.
Keep writing:)
Harshita...

Hey Matt!! Okay, so the poem was super sweet!! It was totally cute and it had an awesome flow to it. It WAS really relaxing to read. Great job, love. Hope to see more.

Hello! ^_^

Nitpicks:

There's more to tears than sadness,
and there's more to life than death.

So don't cry, darling, that's madness.
Just let me hold you while you rest.

Now lay your head upon my chest,
as whispering dreams, flow at their best.

At times it flowed nicely, but most of it felt like you were trying to cram/force lines together just to make the rhyme. However, the last stanza doesn't match the rhyme scheme of the rest of the poem; don't know if you were just trying to emphasize it or got impatient with finishing the piece. Anyway, it was evident in the beginning that you find her beautiful. In essence, I found the idea opf the poem cute. Lucky girl. (:

I truly love it. You have a good sense of rhythm and rhyming. I love it, it sounds like a good lullaby.

That was extremely sweet, and well written.

Your angelic, soft hair,
and your shimmering brown eyes.
Your sweet voice, flowing in the air,
was what made me realize;

There's more to tears than sadness,
and there's more to life than death. (This is my favorite part of the poem. There's something that just withholds so much truth about it.)
So don't cry, darling, that's madness.
Just let me hold you while you rest.

Feel the warmth of a timeless love
from these arms, as gentle as a dove.
Now lay your head upon my chest,
as whispering dreams, flow at their best.

This is the sweetest thing ever. I'm not going to nitpick this, because (A) I don't see much that needs to be changed, and (B) it's just wonderful the way it is. This doesn't really count as a review but I just wanted to let you know that I loved this. With all the dark and angry poems one sees on here, it's such a relief to read one as simple and beautiful as this. Great job, and I look forward to reading more of your work!

I loved this. It was simple sweet and it really made me smile. Whoever it's written for (I guess Morgan) is very, very lucky. My favorite part:

There's more to tears than sadness,
and there's more to life than death.

This was really sweet, and I loved the title. The title, knowing it, made the poem even better. The changes you made to it (as far as I can tell from the other posts) improved it. This is really good. And yes, the girl whom this is written for (Morgan I presume) is one very lucky girl.

This is incredibly sweet with much wisdom subtly woven into its lines. I would like, however, to draw attention to the fact that despite any errors pointed out by the others...it was effective in evoking a certain message. The only critique I have is just a word of advice that was given to myself: Rhyming is beautiful in itself, but not necessary at times! Don't be afraid to deviate from the rhyme scheme...irregular patterns have been used by the most appreciated poets!

Thank you for posting this!

Rita.

Your angelic, soft hair, and your shimmering brown eyes.
Your sweet voice, flowing in the air, was what made me realize;
There's more to tears than sadness, thats really visual
and there's more to life than death.the realization
So don't cry, darling, that's madness. good rythme so far
Just let me hold you while you rest.
Feel the warmth of a timeless love from these arms, as gentle as a dove.its good but I feel theres too much or too little...just go with your instinct
Now lay your head upon my chest,
as whispering dreams, flow at their best.this is a truly beautiful line

the love I had is the loss you have ~dreamer~

Your angelic, soft hair,
and your shimmering brown eyes.
Your sweet voice, flowing in the air,
was what made me realize;
There's more to tears than sadness,
and there's more to life than death. These last two lines were brilliantly stated.
So don't cry, darling, that's madness.
Just let me hold you while you rest.
Feel the warmth of a timeless love
from these arms, as gentle as a dove.
Now lay your head upon my chest,
as whispering dreams, flow at their best. These last five lines kind of break the flow of the poem, because as you can see, rest, chest, and best all rhyme, and it loses some of it's beauty here. And I think the last lines are kind of unneeded, because you're somewhat repeating what you stated in the two lines before that.

+ hello! welcome to YWS too! :] haha!

+ Hey, you've got a good poem/lullaby there, although what I want right now is to hear the tune :]

+ I wasn't a pro with poetry but I love reading poems and all I can say, overall, is that I really really like this one. So sweet. (I wonder who's Morgan )

+ Sorry if I didn't give you any help, I think the other YWSers have provided that for you. :]

love,
CS

Hi MattLang.

This is a very sweet and somewhat simple love poem. I noticed that it becomes more detailed and complex as the poem continues. I'm not sure if that was intentional or not, but it really works in this.

I really like your use of talking directly to the love interest; it really adds to it and gives it some more emotion. For example the line

"So don't cry, darling, that's madness."

Is really brilliant.

I would however change the first few lines. I think the two lines

"Your glowing brown hair,
and your ageless brown eyes. "

Can feel a bit repetitive and corny.

Besides that, very good.

P.S In regards to your comment to Kafka calling him a asshole is very disrespectful. He has taken his time to write you a very detailed and constructive review. However I may have misread it and if so sorry.

I don't believe that Kafka was trying to offend you, Matt, so if you don't mind, I would ask you not to be so quick to anger ;P.

And I agree with his statements. He was correct in what he pointed out, though a little harsh if anything. Criticism comes in all shapes and sizes so you have to take the best with the worst.

Other that that, I thought the poem was cute. Very hallmark card-like. I could see it being a valentines poem or some sort cause of the simplicity in the language. Through sections of it, it has a good flow and rythmn. What I would have to say is try reading it out loud. Really get the flow of it. If there are lines that appear wonky, which there are a few, take out the handy-dandy thesauraus and pick a better word. Its all anyone can ask .

Other than that, sorry if I came across as harsh!

~The.Dreamwalker

Thanks guys! ^^

This is really good(:
Whoever you wrote this for is one special girl. <3

Your glowing brown hair,
and your ageless brown eyes. You're using "brown" too much.
Your sweet voice flowing in air, Too long. Flows badly.
that made me realize, Sounds odd. I'd rework this.
there's more to tears than sadness,
and there's more to life than death.
So don't cry, darling, that's madness. "Madness" ruins the feeling.
Just let me hold you while you rest. "Just let me hold you" is so cliched that all I can think of as I read this are cheesy 60s songs. And that definitely doesn't do the poem any justice.
Feel the warmth of a timeless love
from outstretched arms as gentle as a dove. This line sounds so forced and superficial. It's long, too. And what ever happened to the rhyme scheme? Did you just suddenly decide to change it?
Now lay your head upon my chest
as engulfing thoughts become dreams that are the best. Exact same thing as last comment. Plus, "the best" is dumb for so many reasons I won't even list them all.

Overall, I think this was really sweet. But there are flaws with the set up in punctuation.

Your glowing brown hair,
And your ageless brown eyes. (I think you should replace ageless with something different. Something that describes the eyes a lot better.)
Your sweet voice(,) flowing in (Maybe insert "the" right here?) air,
That made me realize;
There's more to tears than sadness,
And there's more to life than death.
So don't cry, darling, that's madness.
Just let me hold you while you rest.
Feel the warmth of a timeless love
From outstretched arms as gentle as a dove.
Now lay your head upon my chest
As engulfing thoughts become dreams that are the best.

Hey Matt, welcome to YWS. I'm Esther; it's a pleasure. I'm not quite experienced in poetry, but I'll give it my best!

I really liked this. Short and sweet and innocent. It was relaxing to read, so it really is a lullaby!Let's see if we can make it better...

Your glowing brown hair,
and your ageless brown eyes. <- "Ageless" doesn't feel like the right word here. Is she really ageless or just young?
Your sweet voice flowing in air,
that made me realize; <-Change "that" to "was what" and the rhythm will flow better.
There's more to tears than sadness, <- Lovely!
and there's more to life than death.
So don't cry, darling, that's madness.
Just let me hold you while you rest. <- Aww....
Feel the warmth of a timeless love
from outstretched arms as gentle as a dove. <- Word this differently so the rhythm flows more. "Dove" is a wonderful word though.
Now lay your head upon my chest
as engulfing thoughts become dreams that are the best. (This ending totally breaks off the rest of the rhythm of the poem. It has more syllables than any other line. It also feels rushed, like you were trying to find something to rhyme with chest, and then a line accordingly. Edit this.