Angry as robbed bees,
and a savage flutter,
shapeless anxiety climbing the crest;
honey clinging to swords -
words dripping defect and disorder.
Defenseless stones beaten with a body;
murdered fists of saint jerome,
slaughtered against a humming breast.
Canvas of flames stain old wax older,
candles of mold and liquid feed,
but with a kiss -
thoughts careening,
death falling from foreheads,
so sleep mirrors the defeat -
of an obvious poverty -
of an inheritance of carnations
and guilty confessing knees.
Today, birds feast upon winged question;
tonight, with fluttering keys
of iron, ivory and ebony
within the resurrected instrument -
the carcass runs wild within itself.
For now, robbed freedoms bleed,
and soon, with song indeed,
the bees will come, bringing sweetness
more gold than gold in humble seed.
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140,903 Literary Works • 673,707 Reviews
Hi there! I haven't been to this site for a while so I apologize in advance if I'm behind the times.
I have to say that overall I really enjoyed your poem. It wasn't an easy read, however even though it strained the mind, it was more like a healthy push towards thought than a ridiculously abstract and incomprehensible theme.
That being said, I thought you maybe stuffed a little too much vivid imagery into it. It becomes an overload after a while. The wording is beautiful but there's so much material. The first verse is fine with this but in the second verse we have canvas, flames wax and yet older wax and candles to continue on the wax theme, and then a kiss, and then death, and then some mirrors, and then some flowers... it's just a bit much of mixing metaphors. This is all purely my opinion, of course, I could be completely off.
The last verse is, by the way, my absolute favorite part. The imagery is vivid and beautiful, capturing the imagination to almost audible dimensions. If that makes any sense. It probably doesn't. I haven't slept in a few days...
Anyway, overall I loved it, very nice job. Just an inexpert opinion on an expertly crafted poem.
Cheers,
Sarahness
Excellent poem. My only critique would be that you should probably capitalize "saint jerome," unless the lowercase was an intentional slight, in which case, your poem takes a whole different tone.
Excellent work.
Hola my good sir.
I loved your poem, I really did. Though I don't think it is to everyone's taste, which isn't a bad thing. Not everything can be.
The abstract, almost absurd nature of the structure and narrative was full of colour and wonderment. My mind was never idle for a moment. Well done.
Your vocabulary was equally stimulating and beautiful
I don't know what else to say... Bravo.
Much love.
Kris