Ahhh. I should have known you would outsmart me.
This is written in my own open verse form. Please, read it aloud slowly and fall into the rhythm.
I'm not concerned about punctuation, this piece is a mass of run on sentences. For me, grammar and punctuation are something you learn, learn to love, and love to leave. Style is something personal to play with. You wouldn't want a complete stranger fixing your coffee, now would you?
silence for the heart that sings,
the mute man's mile,
brings bandages and mysterious green
that turns the tiller towards tomorrow
an insatiable tomorrow - Oh when!
Words drip wet, weighty and worthless,
turning to steer towards torment,
the chilly lord of the word, lips n' tongue
the bitter captain of broken unspoken
unsatisfied, but on board, salty splintered
from sirens singing,
"Sail bayward, sail bayward!"
and the sweet temptation, crashlanding
unhanding, towards a shallow dam,
then would the mast be tended?
Oh, heart - waning heart,
sinking with the need to be unmuted,
nor more refuted and freed, mended,
kinks unbended - core undiluted
holes pickled and tarred, raw,
but comprehended, sweet n' true undefended
Ropes undone, hemp blended, reset
relations retied and retried, remembered
Sails set loose, heavy skyward
pray deep for
drink deep for
and weep for
dream of this
think of this
yet, this heart sails inward
not outward, deceptive safe
hell bent toward
cargo deep, it's death for -
shape and wood ache and creek
banished from land, haunting green
sodden, keen ever keep,
silent seep, over and ever
not landing, nor healing
sealed, cursed, sold to the sea
never unloaded, relieved
once merry a ship sinks
drop in the wind
silent, bent, braved,
singing - hush, hush, insane.
Sista Nuuk: Thank you. I'd be happy to discuss poetry, as long as it isn't just my poems we talk about.
Oh, heart - waning heart,
sinking with the need to be unmuted,
nor more refuted and freed, mended,
kinks unbended - core undiluted
holes pickled and tarred, raw,
but comprehended, sweet n' true undefended
I did choose to use nor, instead of no, but as erratik_statik pointed out, it's probably a bit too forceful in this instance.
Also, Pickle: To put in, or steep in brine, or sometimes with applications of salt. A way to treat fish. When fishing ships come in after the season, they are not only weighted down in the water too heavily with fish, but also with vats of "pickle" The ships are emptied of it when in port. It's nasty stuff, you can float a potato in it.
I'll go through this again and see what I can shave off. Hopefully that will help the poem become more clear.
erratik_statik: I've been checking out your work, and I will leave some critiques soon.
I certainly desire constructive critique, but not the cookie cutter sort. I want someone to tell me how the work was recieved, how I can write better, what they liked and didn't like, and WHY. If I have a poor use of punctuation, or a lot of typos, point that out - not every single typing error. I want the reader to be looking for meaning, not periods and commas.
On language: You're right, this piece needs to go on "vocab-diet", as Babanuuk says.
Thank you, both.
Hai.
Not a constructive review as such, because as you said, I don't want to wreck your coffee 
, but I just wanna say that I enjoyed and appreciate this.
The only flaws possible would be in the rhyme: I think it could be a bit cluttered, the turning rhythm you generated by using rhyming words next to each other can get a bit twisted when done too frequently or with too much force. So mayve you could look for that.
But yahhh, very very good. More please
Oooooh, nice work.
Mandorelute wrote:Words drip wet, weighty and worthless,
Mandorelute wrote:salty splintered
from sirens singing,
"Sail bayward, sail bayward!"
Mandorelute wrote:Oh, heart - waning heart,
sinking with the need to be unmuted,
nor more refuted and freed, mended,
kinks unbended - core undiluted
holes pickled and tarred, raw,
but comprehended, sweet n' true undefended
Mandorelute wrote:pray deep for
drink deep for
and weep for
dream of this
think of this
Mandorelute wrote:yet, this heart sails inward
not outward, deceptive safe
hell bent toward
cargo deep, it's death for -
shape and wood ache and creek
banished from land, haunting green
sodden, keen ever keep,
silent seep, over and ever
not landing, nor healing
sealed, cursed, sold to the sea
never unloaded, relieved
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