In your mountain,
within the stone and noble ridges of bone;
within the Judas of your sleep;
within the jewels and jackals of your mind;
O, in your country:
your red country of dust and tabletop plateaus;
a country of holy wars raged against the homeland;
the place of sacred things and great weeping behind walls,
a sore place. A place your loved one cannot keep,
because it is a place echoing of self-manipulation and self reflection,
Bolster up your country, O, heart of David;
you’ve been unfair,
you’ve been unfair.
Upon your ship,
‘pon your fiery sea, your turpentine tea;
‘pon the dark drought you’ve drunk;
‘pon the needle of the drunken compass which guides,
sailing upon reckless direction and belligerent winds are many unrepresented prayers;
O, in your country:
a place of sore desolation and a willing heart’s emulation;
the deep country of god-honest friendship and kind and careful passion.
where mental silence is best at uprooting convictions and lies;
the abode where ferocious and mighty love is dwelling, long-existing;
the underworld where many a dream-ship has been sunk
pondering priceless inner-workings, and oh why! Where you’ve pondered hanging a noose;
you’ve been unfair,
you’ve been unfair.
Within your wall,
in your foundations and creation;
In the convincing assassin of your masochistic doubt;
In your fluctuant waters and outstretched lands;
O, in your country:
two men, two separate selves, are marching to the place you’re going;
in your country are a soldier’s footsteps and a lover’s,
in the country’s skies are soldierly and brotherly voices, compassionate and vigilant;
the singing king, who feels guilty for its glories and its wonders;
a dear king in a strain of the best side of ever-ugly narcissism, chained with overmuch guilt.
A country where the young ruler cannot recognize the great sound of his foot and voice;
you’ve been unfair,
you’ve been unfair.
Of your bravery;
from a well-paved room and a sincerest gloom;
from your steps through tomorrow;
from the perplexed mind of Thomas to the of burning and growings of knowing;
with your hearts deepest knowledge and longings;
O, in your country:
a song advances from your yesterday;
like a name in the mouths of all those you have loved, here and gone;
riding in on time which sometimes seems short and sometimes seems long;
something stills or sometimes stirs, but still awakens;
but if only you, beloved of kings, would know the powerful wonders of this red country;
You’ve been unfair,
You’ve been unfair.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,011 Literary Works • 672,840 Reviews
Sistanuuk:
Thank you for taking the time to read this and critique it.
I'm glad you liked the references.
Hm, how to explain the 'keep' line...part of me resists going too far into explaining, I really favor leaving things up to everyman's interpretation, but...only for you:
You're on the right track, certainly. You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink. You can value someone's whole self more than your own life, but you cannot protect them from their own person. All your suggestions fit. But, for me, the word 'keep' summarized what I was trying to say best. It's the family tree as a whole, as 'reside in' is a name.
I like your hyphen suggestions.
Thank you for sharing with me your favorite bits.
Made my day.
Kylan:
Thanks for the review.
Steinbeck, hm?
I certainly agree with what you were saying about the rich vs. dull language use. And in all honestly, my fingers itch to edit some things. I will probally end up changing some of them, but not all.
The 'dry' words are bulky, cumbersome, unsuited for a thing of beauty...
But are not the things they describe of the very same nature?
Does that not fit the King, himself?
The burden each one carries was put there by their own hands.
On 'ridges.' Now that I look at it, I do prefer ridge.
I'll also see what I can do to make the piece carry better its own weight..
Thank you for the very considerate critique. I appreciated your insight. I found it encouraging and genuinely helpful.
-M
Mandorelute --
Very nice piece. It seemed to blend the best of both traditional and contemporary poetry, by first following a specific, meaningful pattern, but also free to roam past the boundries of a rhyme scheme.
It felt, though, that the piece got kind of long winded after a while. It felt to me that you could have shortened this considerably, but I suppose any line deletions would ruin your pattern. You had me immediately with your first stanza, and also with your second stanza, but I felt the poem dwindling a little once the third and forth stanza rolled around. I particularly enjoyed S1. Some good imagery and word choice.
Inversely, there were also times where you used spectacularly dry and dull words, such as self-manipulation, self reflection, narcissism, masochism...These words really don't bring much to the table. They weigh the poem down. They attatch a very...clinical feel to the whole affair. Like you're self-diagnosing the poem and its contents.
I also couldn't decide whether or not you were trying to use some sort of rhythm scheme. And I was thrown off by this line in particular:
I would really love it if you could change "ridges" to "ridge". It would introduce a sort of cadence and delicacy to the introduction.
In short, loved the biblical references, loved how you described the country as red -- very Steinbeck -- I loved the imagery you used, and the pattern you incorporated. Keep up the good work.
-Kylan
This is a great piece of work!
Reading it was much like taking a long journey...
This introduction is probably my favorite bit, especially the symbolism behind "the Judas of your sleep" and "the jewels and jackals of your mind"; to me, it describes how the mind betrays itself, how we hide our best qualities and mistake our weaknesses as strengths.
The imagery is so vivid in the first three lines; fantastic.
It seems strange to say, "A place your loved one cannot keep"... how can one "keep" a place? Perhaps, a place she cannot reside, dwell in, or fight for? (Or perhaps you had a good reason for using the word "keep," that you can better explain?)
Again, fabulous. My only recommendation would be to make a clearer connection between "tea" and "drought," because as it stands, it's sorta like, "oh, okay sea. Gotcha. No, wait, tea? Is he sailing in a tea cup??"
Also, I would separate the last line into two because it is so much longer than the others, but that probably doesn't actually matter.
Okay, I love hyphens. They create pause without too much disconnection! For that reason, I would change the punctuation in the second line as shown.
I love the imagery of two selves, the soft hearted vs the hard hearted.
You did a fantastic job of showing the two faces of pride, narcissism as well as self-hate, and the crippling power they have over a person.
Very nice, very nice.