I need you closely, closer, more.
This is the awaking of gIrl;
gingerly un-not by knot,
my insides still turn nimble
at thought's taste of you.
If I were a tree
and every leaf an eye,
all one thousand and forty five
would be amazed at you.
I need you nearest, nearly, most.
This is the stirring of a lIon,
who, rippling strip by strip,
turns iron cage into a heart
who beats and yearns for you.
If I were love itself,
the gIrl, sleeping by the cage,
would regard the Lion with respect
before being gobbled, eaten up.
.fiNi'*
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,840 Reviews
Mandorelute! I've seen your poetry floating around, but I don't think I've taken a look at it yet. This review will be brief and minimally helpful.
I'm not sure if the "13" means that this is poem number thirteen in a series of poems, but if so, perhaps it would make more sense had I read the previous twelve. I like this a lot-- it's short and sweet, but within this short, sweet poem, I feel as if it's missing a certain cohesiveness. Especially the part about being a tree. That seemed out of place and sudden to me, unconnected to the theme of lIon and gIrl being the "I" in the story. I also am unsure about the phrase "rippling strip by strip" and what idea/image that's supposed to convey.
When a poem is so condensed, every word counts and ever image and phrase is monumentally important. Make sure they all string together and mesh into a single idea.
But, overall, this is a well-written and well-thought-out poem, and I hope to continue to see your poetry on the site.
~Evi
hey! I wasn't going to comment, actually because it's so good and I didn't
really know waht to say, but no one else has commented which is ridiculous
cause you're poem is amazing!
I have to be quick, but I loved your imagery, although I struggled to find
the rythm. (wait! Just read it again, and again I'm blown away, you have an amazing
rythm it's just not right after each other, I love how you have done the "I need you, This is the, If I were" twice over, wow.)
It also completely confused me (which was the point i guess?) and yet was still touching which is amazing. (oh and again I read it twice and now Ive seen that you mention the girl in the beginning and its not at all random or quite as confusing as I thought)
My favourite verse is
simply because it is beautiful.
Sorry this is more of an ode to your poetry than any helpful advice.
You are an amazing poet, keep writing,
xoxo
T