all the words I want to say
fall down the back of my throat
slipping like little black pearls
to lay like hungry stones within my bowels;
when my tongue attempts to speak
crab-like monsters scuttle
moving upward hungrily
until, choking, they spawn and die
and I can say nothing still
until at last, the acidic orange of truth
pours easily from the vase of my esophagus
to lacerate my lips, my pride,
in smooth sliding syrups that evolved into lies
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Eh, I was with you up until you started talking about bowel movements. Then... not so much, haha.
On a technical level, I like the way you followed words down the throat and through the digestive tract, then back up again, but the way it's done is a little confusing. I think this stems mainly from the line "when my tongue attempts to speak" because it brings the focus back to the beginning of the process while the words are still scuttling around in the bowels.
Maybe if you refrain from naming the tongue specifically, it would be less disorienting. Something like "when I attempt to speak" would retain the same meaning, but without any location-specific focus.
Another suggestion I have would be to streamline your imagery a little more. Within this poem, things are compared to black pearls, hungry stones, crabs, acid, vase, and syrup, none of which are connected. I'm not saying that they necessarily *should* be, just that it might make a stronger case for any theme you might be going for if the syrup and the vase theme is used throughout the poem (since both can be related to the "tonic" in the title).
I love the contrast in the poem. The tone so dark, the imagery showing how destructive lies become even when one tries to speak truth. Good job and keep writing like this.
Good but you need to be careful of capitalization it tends to need some work I liked it though. I really can't say anything negative or helpful b/c it would seem the others have already done that for me. But keep it up this was good.
There is something very interesting about the way you write, and I think it's the casual nature of the imagery, the nonchalance with which you place the metaphors and symbols into the lines. Not desperate to show off, not pitifully underwriting either - it's a technique that makes the work look deceptively simple, but it's so hard to pull off.
Suffice to say, I'd think you do it naturally, since there's no real way to learn how to do that.
First two lines were a WIN. Perfect, smooth - the words lilt down the lines just as they fall down the narrator's throat. Personally, I think you could pare down the next couple of lines even more, to the barest verb and noun, since that would just add all the more to the simplicity of it - I wondered, for the briefest moment, whether I was reading this to know what happened next in the 'story' behind the poem, or...I was reading it to see what new combination of words you could come up with next. Obviously, the latter is to be feared.
Imagery is great here, but I get neither much intellect-wise, nor much emotion reading it. I can see the emotion laid out but I cannot feel it, if that makes sense. I think it's the fact that the words are so interesting that I forget to feel. You might want to consider wrenching the reader in a bit more...although, by the looks of things, many were repulsed by the garishness of the language (I liked it, though).
The, ah, last line flows so smoothly (pardon the pun), that it took me three tries to get it. Probably the intended effect, I'm guessing. And the 'acidic orange' of truth - how fascinating! I've never heard truth described as orange before! 'Vase of my oesophagus' was brilliant as well.
Also - a fitting title, I think. Dunno about the 'tonic' part, but it definitely raises up questions, which is exactly what you'd want.
Mandorelute, you have written a very interesting poem. The imagery you show creates a pleasently uncomfortable tone. I squirmed in my seat as i read this, yet could not bring myself to stop. it was hypnotic the way your words flowed together in an over-all strange way. Very good work!
Hello there, Mandorelute! I'm Mizz, here to review your poem.
Now, my first thought was that this was a little gross--just as Kota pointed out. It makes me wonder what reader would like to read about stones lying in peoples bowels. Perhaps you could use a different simile, because I almost stopped reading right then and there.
The only part of your poem I liked were the last two lines. That's it. But those last two lines were honest and good, and just magical. Loved them.
You need to remember to capitalize, even in poetry.
So, you have some things to work on, but still, this was a nice poem.
Tata!
-Mizz
i like your poem although, it is a little gross.
-Kota-