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137,701 Literary Works • 672,063 Reviews
Hey Anda!
~ Whoa! Mega run on sentence. It's a bit hard, but maybe...Shady here with your review.
Try: (I sighed irritably when I realized that I'd only written four words on the paper before me. "Once upon a time", that phrase that always started happy stories; stories that I wanted to write. But my life was dark and gloomy, and a happy story seemed beyond my reach.)
Also note corrected spelling. "Frustratedly" isn't a word, and "written" and "disappear" are spelled so.
~ 'newspaper', one word. And a typo: 'proud on'.
~ I try to avoid the word 'had' whenever I can. It puts things in past tense, slowing things down, and is generally unnecessary. Also, this doesn't sound like normal dialogue.
"I just dropped her off, went to work, and a few hours later got a call that she disappeared from the backyard."~ Eliminate all those un-necessary 'I's. Also, note it's "disappeared" and 'backyard'.
"According to Haley, Emma doesn't wander off, police suspected a kidnapping but search dogs searched high and low for the three year old who wasn't expected to live through thefreezing temperatures of Wisconsin winter."~ She was three years old. Yes. Three year olds wander-- and three year olds aren't predictable.
~This reads really awkwardly. Give the man a name. Add drama. "I hear my new name; the name my captor gave me. Bob's gruff voice, cold and unfeeling, came from somewhere behind me." Or something.
~ 'whispered'
~~
Alright!
This has potential. Good idea behind, good punch to end the chapter with (though the chapter was *far* too short to suit me). I think what could benefit you the most is running your piece through a spell-checker before you post it. You had a lot of typos that I didn't even mention.
Anyway-- I'd be very interested in seeing what happens next. The last line was very good. Had a punch. I hadn't even considered someone getting sold, even with the title of the piece. Very nice.
If you need any more help or have any questions, feel free to PM or wall me.
Keep writing!
~Shady
Oh my it's been long since I've written a review! Nevertheless, I'll try my best to critique this!
"That saying always started the happy stories and as much as I'd love to get away, my life was dark and gloomy, so I attacked the phrase with my eraser and watched it disapear."
Alright! The part about happy stories and getting away from your gloomy life just doesn't link together. It seems as if you're talking about two different matters altogether. When narrating, it's important to make sure what you're talking about has links, meaning they make sense when read together and provide the reader with more information. In this case, either talk about the characters sad life or focus on the troubles he/she had with writing.
Attacking the phrase with the eraser and watching it disappear? Not exactly the smoothest flowing method of narrating this. How about trying "I rubbed vigorously at the words and watched as they faded away"?
Alright apart from that the rest of this has plenty of spelling mistakes. If you're using a word processor there's always a spell check function so don't hesitate to use it! Overall this few paragraphs also had little punctuation, and by that I mean commas and full stops! It's hard for the reader to know when to pause in our heads because what you have is just a long string of text.
This story was pretty well done, the plot is there, and so are the characters. What you need to work on is the pacing and narration. I was initially afraid of a large info dump but in the end I found myself asking more questions. If you could elaborate more on this "man" and about your character the plot will definitely be much more interesting!
Hope my review helped!