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140,525 Literary Works • 673,312 Reviews
So I'm a tad confused right now. So this girl is now eight? Well,for an eight year old, she seems a lot more mature. And her dad is just weird. Forcing an eight year old to wear make up? I feel like perhaps you meant for her to be older, but I don't know for sure.
Overall, you've got a good basic idea. I don't get why if the dad hates his wife so much why he doesn't take her off the machines, which he should do even if he does love her so she's not just a vegtable, and I don't get why she's still in the house. But oh well.
Pretty much just work on your spelling and grammer.
Love and other things,
fictionfanatic
Hey there, Manda!! I know you said you only needed a review on the second part but I figured I would go ahead and review part one anyways.
Dialogue
I considered for a while that I might nitpick through this but as I was reading I noticed that the biggest problem you have is in your dialogue. When you have characters interacting, you want to really focus on two things, dialogue and your characters actions. Little things like a clenched fist or a lip being chewed on can make a huge difference when characters are interacting. It’s not quite something I can explain in one sitting but there are some amazingly helpful tips here.
Time and Such
This sentence is supposed to be encompassing all of this time she spent in the closet. But elaborate on that time. Did she sit down and cry? Try to find another way out. It doesn’t have to be very long. Maybe she curled up into a pile of mop heads and fell asleep.
Comma/Coma?
One is in fact a punctuation mark while the other is a medical condition. Which brings me to another point I wanted to mention: why a coma? Lung cancer, as I’ve lived through, doesn’t put a person into a coma. Comas are a neurological (brain-based) condition and the lungs and the brain don’t have much to do with one another.
Overall, you have an idea but it’s definitely very rough. You’re young of course and you have all of the time in the world to learn and grow in your writing. One thing you should really focus on is working to make this sound good when you read it out loud. Nine times out of ten, when you read something out loud and listen to yourself reading it, you will find the spots where things sound clumsy.
As far as the plot goes, I’m definitely a little confused as to where chapter two could possibly go from here but, well, we’ll see in a bit I suppose.
If you have any questions, feel free to PM me or leave a comment on my wall!
Interesting concept. But I think you need to proofread the grammar. The plot felt a little jumpy to me. I didn't understand that time had passed. Also, it's COMA not comma.
This is a really good story so far. The only things I noticed were a few grammar and punctuation mistakes. But, other than that, everything was good. Please keep writing, because it's really frustrating to start a really good story and never finish it. I'll be waiting for more.