Young Writers Society

Hey! Okay, so I review using the six traits writing system, meaning I'll list the six traits, what I thought about your story for each of them, and then I'll give you a rating for each trait, 1-6, 6 being highest, 1 being lowest. Let's get started!

#FF0000 ">Ideas: Clear and focused main idea, though I am not exactly sure where this is going. It kept me reading until the end, however, it wasn't the most compelling piece I've read, and I'll tell you why. We don't even know Miranda yet. We don't know what she's like, who she is. How can we empathize with what she's going through when we don't know her? My advice: introduce her first. Let her spend some time at school, around her family, with friends if she has some. Let your readers have some insight into her character, so that we really care about her when she gets hurt. #0000BF ">5

#FF0000 ">Organization: Pretty good lead in and ending, but remember: show, not tell. That was the biggest thing here. If you give more details instead of just telling us things, this will be amazing! For example: don't say Carly and her group are popular, show us why they are, and why they are cruel. This will also give us insight into Miranda, and why she has such a hard time at school. Excellent structure. Easy to follow, good spacing, but not too much. #0000BF ">4

#FF0000 ">Voice: If you remember to show, not tell, it will really add to the way your voice sounds. As it is your voice really draws a reader in, but if you add this, it will be amazing!!!#0000BF ">5

#FF0000 ">Word Choice: Very clear and concise, natural language used well, pretty engaging. Good verbs most times, and words that appeal to the senses. #0000BF ">5

#FF0000 ">Sentence Fluency: Very good. A lot of variety in style and length, easy to read, good rhythm and flow. #0000BF ">5.5

#FF0000 ">Conventions: Several spelling mistakes, and a few punctuational errors. Could use a run through or two to edit these out, but definitely not unreadable. #0000BF ">4

Overall it was great! Show not tell, fix those conventions, and this will be AMAZING! I mean it; this will be one of my favs on YWS. Keep writing!

I read it. For only thirteen years old, this is pretty good! When I was thirteen, I stunk at writing- at fifteen I'm not even that great. But I see you have imagination (which helps).

Can I suggest something to make this even better, MandaPanda? What if you made her go to school and spend her whole day there before crashing. If you did that, then you could show the reader what she's like! Maybe this girl could talk to some friends around the lunch-table or meet a guy in the halls (whatever girls do), so the reader can understand her better.

Then, when this is done, you describe her drive on the way home. She could talk about her memories in driver's ed. She could mention her interest in you-name-it.

Then- OHNO!- she crashes. Adrenaline courses through her veins, her vision blurs, the radio crackles and dies out, a strange figure rushes to her car door and yanks it open. "Are you OK?" He yells, "I'm so, so sorry!" The strange figure dials quickly on a cell phone. Her consciousness ceases.

Your a great writer, so don't be afraid to make this chapter longer.

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"Words will fail you."

Hey there! It's review time!

REALITY:

This is interesting but doesn't hold tight to reality. Easy for that to happen though, not all of us have gotten into a major car crash like this. Have you? Car crashes can be seriously traumatic moments. I've been in one, not nearly this bad, and it was terrifying. Perhaps you should do research into how people feel during and after car crashes. Your narrator seems way too calm. Also, if her injuries are so sever that she needs a breathing tube, she's probably passed out. No one would ask her who to call, they'll most likely call whomever is listed as her emergency contact, which they'll get from her primary care physician. A lot of people these days will put ICE numbers in their phones, "In Case of Emergency". I'm not sure how commonly that's used, but it's a neat little thing to know. Oh, and if she has a breathing tube in, she wouldn't be able to talk to them.

PACING:

This is a BIG scene! Seriously, think about how much is honestly happening here. It's not just "oh I'm driving to school" It's "I'm driving to school AND I JUST RAN MY CAR INTO A TRUCK!" This could be pages and pages of a scene, not just a few paragraphs. I'm not saying it should be pages and pages, but do keep pacing in mind. Everything whizzes by so quickly that it's hard to get a grasp on what's actually going on.

MAIN CHARACTER:

You should probably take some more time developing your main character, especially since this is in first person. If it's still up, and I assume it is, you should look at Snoink's Character Development Usergroup. It's super helpful. Developing your character and strengthening her voice will help fill out the rushed feeling I talked about with pacing.

And of course, the best advice I can possibly give is to keep writing and keep reading. Reading is one of the best ways to learn how to write because you get to see it in action. Try to find a good romance story written in the first person to figure out what you should, or shouldn't, do. Don't just steal the person's story, voice, or techniques. Try to make your own. But it's always helped me to see how other people do it, and learn from there. Best of luck!