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Hey there, again, Manda! Sorry it took me so long to get back to this; I had to have dinner with a cop tonight! (Crazy story. I’m going to stop now.)

Anyways, I won’t sit here and nitpick again because a good deal of what I said earlier applies here. But what I do want to tell you is that no story is ever not worth writing. What you should definitely put a lot of focus on is research. There’s a wonderful forum on the site called Ask an Expert where you can go with all sorts of questions when it comes to court proceedings or child services. Also something I really had to point out is that you described a lot of Cindy’s physical aspects when Ryila is in her room, so, because the story is told from Ryila’s point of view, having these outside descriptions can be very confusing.

Another thing to keep in mind is that timing issue I mentioned in my first review. You are definitely running through so much of the story so quickly. Drag out the scenes and describe them. Details, no matter how little, can definitely set the tone for a story. So when you describe the setting of the court room or the tension in the house when Cindy showed up, they can be very powerful.

But like I said, no story is un-salvageable. Some just take a little more work than others. For you, just starting out as a writer, I have to make one really big recommendation and that comes in writing prompts. Google search for some or go to this list of writing prompts. Write them (And don’t rush. They aren’t homework. They’re meant to teach and help you grow so really focus on doing one, maybe two a day. These kinds of activities can help you explore your ideas as a writer as well as the idea of your story. Also, because you’re young, novels can be very difficult to take on. Try writing short stories. They’re so much more compact and because they’re smaller, they give you a chance to really focus on all of the little things.

I know this didn’t focus too much on the story but these are definitely tips to keep in mind forever and ever.

No, they do not bring them into their own home; the children are taken to foster homes. Don't get discouraged! That's what this site is for: to make us all better writers. Start by adding in some more details and you'll get there. Don't stop writing, because the concept has potential. You can always message me if you want some help (I'd be willing to proofread/beta) or if you just want to say hey!

I think they can bring them into their homes if they're in a really bad situtation. Whateve, maybe it's just not a good novel.

Hmmm...I'm a tad disappointed. I kind of wish this was better. You're really just grocery listing your story instead of writing it. The father just seems very unrealistic, social workers don't take kids back to their own home, nor are they allowed to have dirty cars. I also feel like you're rushing through this story. Also, you said the MC put on her worst clothes, but you never said anything about her ever bringing them with her. Also, if she wanted to go back because her dad told her she had to, why'd she wear her bad clothes? There are so mny questions running through my head because you leave them unanswered or what you did put just makes no snese.

Sorry for the harshness.

Love and other things,
fictionfanatic

I'm gonna be mean first, and then I'll tell you what I liked. The biggest thing I noticed is you're doing a lot of "telling" when you should be "showing". for example, you said "father was furious." Now, we could see he was furious if you wrote "his round face turned red, his dark eyes blazing as he yelled (insert whatever he yelled). He shook his fist and sighed heavily at the social worker." Just an example, but I hope you get the idea.
Also, I have no idea what anyone looks like. There is a lot of back and forth dialogue, with very little of what anything looks like, what anyone is doing or feeling. Like in the argument between Jack and Cindy: Is Ryila crying? Is she shifting from one foot to another? Does Jack lean against a dark brown stair rail? Is Cindy running her fingers through her strawberry-blonde hair? Does a moan come from Mama's room? So many things you could put in to make the story more real. I like the idea and it has a TON of potential so far, so keep writing Also, gonna promote myself for two seconds, read and review my NIP "water under the bridge" if you'd like