Ello MandaPanda! :D I am here to review your piece. Now here are some pointers on how my reviews work: Spelling/grammar errors will be in #FF0000 ">red, the original in italics. Comments/questions will be in #0000FF ">blue, the original in bold. And things I liked in general in #00BF00 ">green! :3 So let's get started. I will pick out the sentences in need of a fix, but they will go in order of the story so you can find them more easily.
I sat across the small table and stared at my cerial #FF0000 ">cereal.
."I'm sorry, I didn't do anything!" I shouted back at my mother.#0000FF "><--Was her mother yelling? You didn't say
She layed #FF0000 ">laid a comforting hand on me #FF0000 ">comma signaling all she wanted was the details.
"Rylee told me there was a great restrant #FF0000 ">restaurant down this alley," I began #FF0000 ">comma the thought of last night's action scared me half to death.
Tears flowed quickly down my rosie #FF0000 ">rosy cheeks.
Mom hesitated, afraid of my reaction the the stick in her hand.#0000FF "><--You missed some words here and repeated 'the'.
Gently I took the pregnacy tester from her #FF0000 ">comma understanding it was the least I could do.
I leaned over the toliet #FF0000 ">toilet and let the urin #FF0000 ">urine flow out onto the plastic bar.
Green ment #FF0000 ">meant positive.
Mom dove out of the car in a flash of light.#0000FF "><--Color would be better then light, I believe.
She looked like Edward #0000FF "><--If this is a character from Twilight, you should reference that the way she raced around the vehical #FF0000 ">vehicle to get me out and into the building.
"I'm sorry." The doctor explained.#0000FF "> <---Was there a pause from the car to the doctor examination?
"What?!" Mom was surpirized #FF0000 ">surprised, "I'm not gonna take care of it!"
I repeted #FF0000 ">repeated looking back.
There were many mistakes in the story, but it was mostly doing fine. Make sure to reread your piece before submitting so you catch most of them yourself. There is still much work with description, character thought, and other major aspects of writing, but you'll get there. :] Also, on another thought, you stated that she was raped a day before. For a pregnancy test, it takes about two weeks for one to come out positive. Some can be a little earlier, but only by a few days. Not the day after conceiving. So I would suggest going over that part and making some things happen in between the rape and the test. Good luck on the rest of your story and hoped I helped! :]
Points: 2109
Reviews: 21
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