Young Writers Society

Hey! So, I am using the six traits thing again. I used this on your first chapter, so if you're totally lost because you haven't read my other review yet, go look at that one before this.

Before I start though, a few suggestions/commments. Make the scene where Miranda is in the coma longer. You could probably draw this out for nearly an entire chapter. Have her parents get upset and go back and forth from hopeful to depressed, maybe have some other family come and visit her, possibly someone from school, maybe even the guy who hit her. Give a lot of details, slow down, and show us EXACTLY what happens. WHat goes through Miranda's mind, her parent's, her friends'? The man who hit her might be feeling guilty, or angry, or sad. Her mother may be depressed, may want revenge on whoever hit Miranda, etc... You get the idea. Anyway...

#FF0000 ">Ideas: Good. Very clear and focused, better than first chapter. You kept me more attentive this time, wanting to know what would happen. It was compelling and focused, and drove me right to the end. #0000FF ">5.5

#FF0000 ">Organization: Good structure just like last time, excellent beginning, and a good ending as well. #0000FF ">6

#FF0000 ">Voice: Very good. Original and distinctive, appealing, fairly expressive. #0000BF ">5.5

#FF0000 ">Word Choice: Excellent. Natural language, good descriptions, strong verbs and engaging language. #0000BF ">6

#FF0000 ">Sentence Fluency: Good variety in style and length, easy to read, good flow. #0000BF ">5.5

#FF0000 ">Conventions: Still could use a bit of work, especially punctuation wise, but better than the first chapter, and still certainly not so distracting that I wouldn't keep reading. #0000BF ">5

Okay, overall, excellent, and better than your previous chapter. Show, not tell, fix the conventions, and you will do great things, my friend. Excellent job, and keep on writing!

I read it. I especially enjoyed her conscious struggle against death, because older writers haven't touched on anything like that yet (or so I've seen). I always like anything original, so I liked it overall. There were a few distracting spelling errors, but if you put that through your computer's spellcheck, then those will disappear.

I recognized a semblance of emotion here and there, MandaPanda, but not enough! Try spending even more time explaining how sad the mom is.

i.e.- "She was broken hearted over me! That my wounds would cause her such pain was incredible. I wished to comfort her- to reach out and touch her- but I was held in the cold embrace of bedsheets, stranded for months to the loneliness of comatose."

If you do something heartfelt like that, then the reader would get to see the girl's empathy. And empathy is admirable.