Self-Destruct

Hello hello,

There's nothing quite like writing a poem to get out all the nasty feelies. That's such a vibe. If you're feeling down in the dumps, I hope you feel a little better soon!

But onto the good stuff: the review. ; )


1. Okay so maybe this is just coincidence, but the first two lines match up in both rhyme and rhythm with lines 4 and 5, and then line 6 does not match line 3, and I probably wouldn't mention this normally, but you've got this listed as lyrical, and so I think it might help to match up lines 6 and 3. Just for reading-out-loud purposes.

Or, you know, if you've got a particular reading in your head already that makes it work, then that's cool too.

2. The straightforwardness (dare I call it austerity?) with which you write this poem really works in your favor. I think if you'd gone for something flowery, the message and somber tone would have been lost. Great judgement there!

3. This is totally up to you, just some maybe-uncalled-for advice, but you might get a more words-are-flowing-because-I-am-feeling-intense-emotion thing going if you take out the 'I' at the start of lines 2 and 5. That would string them together with the lines on either side of them, make them read a little more fluidly, and give more structure to your poem.

4. On the other hand, stiltedness could really work well for this, and if you'd prefer to go that way, it might help to play around with your punctuation and capitalization to better get across that breaking of thoughts.

Really great work though. I'd call it lovely, but uh. You were clearly going for dark and depressing, and you definitely got there.

Great job! Happy review day!
-Vento

i stared at this for like fifteen minutes.

like, this is sooo sad (depressing might be a better word?)... though i kind of noticed that's your style.......

so. i go on to moi interpretation:

"I don’t want to have to go away
Just to never see you again"

definitely my favorite. its stating that the person wants to run from (unrequited?) love, and at the same time, doesn't want to show that he cares.

and then there's the last few lines:

"If no one cares to see me live,
Then would they care to see me die?"

so not that i'm necessarily correct, but i think the more invisible you are when you're living, or the more the people tend to not care, the more people will care when you die, cuz then they'll be feeling guilty for not having tried enough or not having cared enough, while some might wish that they could have done something to make it better. like, that's usually the case, if you go by whatever i've read and whatever's happened around me. i remember this one time this guy i knew and talked to like one time (even though we were in the same march band) died in an accident, and i felt terrible; afterwards there was this share-your-thoughts gathering and so many people showed up, even though some of them didn't even know him.

so yes, to answer the question, people would definitely care.

overall, its a nice poem.