No warning, none, it hit them like a tsunami with no plans to arrive quietly, it just crashes in, ruining everything. No one knew what the outcome of the trials would be, but when they did, they knew they had dared the wrath of nature this time.
It was like an oven inside the taxi, of course, this was Rome. Once the dominating city of a great power, it now just cooked in the merciless and relentless sun. He looked out of the taxi window deep in thought, as the Colosseum barely acknowledged their existence. The city reminded him of a scenario like the one he had seen in his exam. Just pages in a book, half-hearted images staring back at him with what was once pride, now shame. This was Tom Middleton, he and his three other friends were taking a well deserved holiday in the cultural paradise of Italy.
"Blimey, Ian, do you think you could ask the driver to open a window or something? We might be a piece of Italian cuisine by the time we get there," gasped Tom, almost breathless from the lifeless heat. His forehead showed only the same colour as the surface of Mars, with sweat creeping steadily down his face. Tom had the personality of a leader amongst the others, he was intelligent, a quick decision maker with enough intellect to fill a book from page to page. His brown hair seemed to be soaked with sweat as his green eyes endured the harsh light of this dominant sun.
"Well Tom you do realize I only speak basic Italian, I've only just started learning it," reasoned Ian. It was incredible that he was barely showing a single drop of sweat, but he was a very active person, so he was used to this kind of intolerable heat. His black hair was as dry as the street on which they travelled, with his deep blue eyes protected by the Ultraviolet defending spectacles he wore on his face. Ian had a muscular build, but he was strong with languages, as if he had been speaking them his whole life, some of the qualities he had were unbelievable. With just his brute strength he could stop a fist coming towards him at the speed of sound, and do more than order a dish in Spanish.
"Italian is similar to Spanish isn't it? I'm sure you can at least ask him to spare us the burden of jumping out onto the street right now!" jested Catherine. As usual, her sarcasm went unchallenged, as her olive skin was not attacked by the heat. She was of Spanish descent, so Catherine had some degree of resistance to the heat. Like Tom, she was intelligent, but unlike him she had sarcasm taking her side every time any type of conversation arose. Her sarcasm put even the worst of bullies at school in their place, no one dared to challenge this level of determined quick-wit.
"I reckon you couldn't even go one day without using sarcasm, ten euros says you can't even do just that," Maria was quite a risk taker, she was very bold and prepared to do almost anything. Nothing seemed a challenge to her, she too, like the others, was rather intelligent, and one of the only other people on Earth who could challenge Catherine's sarcasm and get away with it. She had a vivid imagination and was always deep in thought about something. She had red hair and brown eyes, but at times was so blinded by her attitude, that she over analysed and missed simple details of some things.
"You're on Maria, ten euros says I can," retorted Catherine, proud of her remark as usual.
"Alright stop your whining, I'll ask the driver" replied Ian, with a smug look on his face. "Potremmo avere l'aria condizionata?" asked Ian. The driver glanced up in his mirror and replied, "Si, certo". Icy cold air currents drifted through the vehicle, releasing the group from this heated prison.
"That's much better, I hope the hotel is as okay as they say it will be," sighed Tom.
The taxi sped on through the sun painted streets, crumbled buildings and worn paths sojourned either side of them, a fellowship of concrete, brick and stone, all forcefully thrown together in the mass of ancient buildings that painted the work of art that was Rome.
* * *
Three days later, the four gathered around the TV in the lobby. The hotel was modern, with white painted walls everywhere you looked. A red fabric pathway guided other tourists to their desired places in the hotel. A buffet table sat to the far left of the huge, newly refurbished lobby. A collection of sofas and comfortable chairs clustered together on the right of the room, beside them, a double door that led to the patio, where a pool lay in wait for any who fell victim to the sun's harsh rays. At the head of the room, was the flat screened TV, raised up on the wall for all to see. The enticing aromas of Pizza and Risotto drifted from the kitchens, as outside, the sun waved gently on the western horizon, as the city of Rome prepared for another night.
"Well it's a good thing this place has British channels, otherwise I would've been useless watching this thing!" joked Ian.
"Aren't you already useless?" sniggered Catherine, her sapphire eyes catching the last grasp of sunlight as she used more sarcasm to her will.
"Ha ha very funny Cath, besides, didn't you and Maria have a bet to play?" jested Ian.
"That's right, Catherine, ten euros please." said Maria proudly.
"No, dammit!" hissed Catherine under her breath. She reached into her pocket and reluctantly handed over an orange ten euro note.
"Hey guys, would you mind being a bit quieter? I'm trying to listen to this," muttered Tom.
"Good Evening, and welcome to the round the clock news. Two days ago, a promising vaccine to the renowned super-bug MRSA was tested on lizards. It was tested in various places across the UK, including London, Oxford, Bristol, Manchester, Edinburgh, Cardiff and Glasgow. However, earlier today we received some disturbing footage from the lab in London, we now go to the sourced footage from our London Biological Science correspondent". stated the reporter calmly, however it was clear by her expression, she was overcome with fear and doubt.
For a moment, everything in the room went silent, the only noises were from the open doors as a silent but gentle breeze drifted in from the city. As the room became like a ghost's lair, the footage began to play on the omniscient TV screen. A triumphant looking man in a long jacket and a suit began to speak loudly with pride.
"Today, is the beginning of our next step in modern medicine, and a breakthrough before this present yet ignored threat becomes just another page in our book of conquered diseases. The journey began with Jenner and Smallpox, and now, we are about to make the next step in our future as the conquerors of disease." The reporter had barely finished his sentence, when suddenly a loud boom was heard from the biological institute, and smoke began to rise from the building. "It seems we have a surprising yet unnerving turn of event here in the heart of London, something clearly has gone wrong. Let's have a closer..." he never finished his sentence, immediately before the last word was going to fall out of the reporter's mouth, more than a dozen large, green, scaly, reptile-like creatures jumped from the windows, and crashed onto the pavement below; they didn't seem to have even a scratch from the fall. They were tall, around six, maybe seven feet off the ground. They were supported by strong, hook-clawed agile feet. A snout extended from their faces, presenting double rows of razor sharp teeth. Fire-like eyes with a black, central slitted iris scanned the crowd intently, as at the end of their huge, muscular arms, deadly sharp claws began to extend from the fingers. Down the spine ran a single row of rough spines, and at the end was a perfectly balanced tail, with what looked like a stinger on the end.
The most haunting fact of all, one that would haunt humanity for decades to come, was that the tallest one, who was a bronze colour, with wings on its back. Opened its jaws. It spoke.
"Humankind!" It boomed with a deep, snarling voice, "You will return our world to us! Or perish on the pyre you have built for yourselves!" With that, a great clamour of screams leapt from the screen. The camera fell to the floor. A pool of blood spilled in front of it, and the screen went black.
The head reporter continued, still half frozen in fear, "In other news.." but just like the other reporter, she never finished her sentence. She began panting, her skin going paler by the second as a tear fell from her cheek. Something flew in front of the camera and flopped lifelessly at her feet; it was clothed in a long jacket and a suit. Covered in blood. It was the previous reporter. The presenter screamed in terror, and the footage went dead.
It was now clear as the world watched in horror, that after one thousand years of resilience, London had fallen.
End of chapter
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*showed* Maybe? Because I'm having a hard time reading this sentence with the word showing. It fits, but to me it's not the perfect fit. If that makes since.
Here you started off talking about Maria's appearance, but then you switched it up and talked about her attitude. It's still about her, but I feel that whole sentence should be about her appearance and then another sentence about her attitude.
WHOA, I should have read the first. On to chapter 2 - 6.
~Sharrae out, tottles.
Hello! I saw chapter 6 and 7 in the green room so I thought I'd come back to the beginning and get caught up first
I'm going to stick with fairly big picture things for the time being, but if you'd like me to do more sentence or paragraph level things, I would be happy to do so!
A few things I'm noticing in this chapter:
1. The beginning is almost an info dump. (I'm talking everything before the ***). In my opinion, everything before the *** was setting up the story - you telling us about the world and who are main players will be. I understand the temptation to do this, but it's really not necessary. All of that information will come out in due time. Reading it all at the beginning came become boring, and I know I struggle to retain it all. When it comes in pieces woven in with the story, I find it easier to absorb.
2. You do a fair amount of telling. Now telling is fine on some occasions and can be really useful at times. Other times, you want to show and really get your reader involved with the experience. What do I mean?
Even though there is a paragraph of information about them, I'm still not convinced I would be able to differentiate any of them. Why? Because they still feel like strangers to me. The part before the *** felt like simply a way to introduce them, but I didn't actually get to know them.
All of the information you provided is useful stuff, but you're telling it to your reader. I think it would be more effective to show it. How do you do that? Put Tom in a situation where he has to act like a leader, or shows his intelligence, or shows his decision making skills. Put Catherine in situation where she shows her intelligence or her sarcasm or her wit. Put Maria in a situation that shows that she's a risk taker, or that she's bold, or that she's intelligent, or that she's witty and sarcastic, or that she's deeply imaginative. Right now, it's just a list of traits. When they're put in situations that show those traits, they'll sink in more and it'll make them feel like real people. This doesn't all have to be developed in the first chapter. This is something that develops over several chapters.
3. The plot. Things start getting interesting after the ***. Really, really intriguing concept. (It reminds me of The Amazing Spiderman a little - have you seen that movie? A doctor tries to turn humanity into giant mutant lizards and spiderman has to save the day?) Anyway.... I think the part after the *** is rushed. Honestly, you could take out everything before the *** and then develop what's left to make the chapter longer again. Slow this down. Show some personality from the main characters (like what we talked about above) and then move into the news story. I want character reactions as this starts to play out. I want more detail (you do a nice job describing, now I want even more!). Think about feelings and facial expressions and thoughts.
I'll leave things there for now and move along to the next chapter! Let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing!
So, from what I've seen people have covered a lot of this chapter, but no one has touched on the one subject that I feel needs to be touched on.
Wut? 0_o Did that really? Is...
...
I have no words anymore, my perfect eloquence has been stifled. Our doom, our enemy in this world, is...
is a lizard?
I better go kill my bearded dragon, Antonio Banderas will assassinate me in my sleep tonight. Bad Banderas! No world taking overing... that's a word! What do you know!?
I know this is the wrong gripe to take with this work, but I'm going to make it sound better. M'kay?
You didn't make your monsters scary enough for them to be taken seriously. Killing people isn't going to scare us because we're desensitized to that in fiction, if you don't make us care about these people our minds just interpret them as words on a page, but not a person if you really wanted to make them scary show them doing scary stuff.
Take a note from Kubrick's Shining, realize the only thing scarier than humanoid lizards with an aggression against reporters is being tricked into snogging one! No, don't do that, you'll get weird looks when you get a new puppy. But if you're going to have monsters make them scary monsters. How to do this? Simple:
That's going to be leaning a bit heavily on the gore side but you get my point right? With an idea that's kind of ridiculous you need to make it over-the-top weird to get us to take your work seriously.
I'm gonna review some more of this as it's quite enjoyable actually.
Keep writing!
thanks for the review! well think of it this way, things like mummies, zombies, orcs, evil wizards and warlocks, have been either copyrighted or overdone, and I wanted to go for something that was more original than the others. But I must say that that kind of format is a bit too gory, yes there's a bit of blood spilling in he story and some nasty stuff happens later on, but I'm not going to make it THAT gory, because that's a bit too far. The genres of the book at the top of this page state Action/Adventure and Fantasy, not Horror. But anyway I'll take this into account for future reference, thanks for the review.
Hm, you seem to have misinterpreted what I was saying. I can't take seven foot lizards seriously as a threat (because I have a lizard and know the biggest threat they pose is getting away and pooing on the carpet) so I was suggesting something to make us take them more seriously. Mummies have their ancient curses, zombies have their uncaring benevolence and Mages have FIRE. If you're going to use a monster try to make us take them more seriously if you're going for a more serious tone.
Does that make any sense?
well, this is a fiction, so they aren't real, that's the whole point. Anyway, the origin story of these menacing lizards is within the chapter. A vaccine for the advanced superbug (which has had it's evolution sped up) MRSA speeds up the evolution of the lizards, due to the fact that humans believed fighting fire with fire (basically using another genetically modified virus to fight MRSA) would work, but it didn't.
I promised I would review this, but its great and I think everything was exciting and entertaining. A coma here and there, but for the rest, well done. Reading chapter 2 now. Great job and never stop writing.
That was awesome! You should put a comma here though. "I reckon you couldn't even go one day without using sarcasm, ten euros says you can't even do just that" Maria was quite a risk taker, she was very bold and prepared to do almost anything."I reckon you couldn't even go one day without using sarcasm, ten euros says you can't even do just that," Maria was quite a risk taker, she was very bold and prepared to do almost anything. and you should put a period there. "Blimey, Ian, do you think you could ask the driver to open a window or something? We might be a piece of Italian cuisine by the time we get there." gasped Tom, almost breathless from the lifeless heat. instead of a period use a comma.
Thanks very much! I'm currently writing Chapter 2, and of course I'll take your advice into account, but again thanks so much!
inform me when u done
Chapter 2 is done, it's also been posted.
Hello Wonderwoman here. I must say this was a very awesome chapter! I see this is your first posted work. Fabulous! Let me get down to business so I can help you with some things.
1st: "Blimey, Ian, do you think you could ask the driver to open a window or something? We might be a piece of Italian cuisine by the time we get there." gasped Tom, almost breathless from the lifeless heat.
You need a comma after 'there' instead of a period.
2nd: "Well Tom you do realize I only speak basic Italian, I've only just started learning it" reasoned Ian.
It should be like this: "Well Tom, you do realize I only speak basic Italian, I've only just started learning it," reasoned Ian.
3rd: "Italian is similar to Spanish isn't it? I'm sure you can at least ask him to spare us the burden of jumping out onto the street right now." jested Catherine. Again comma instead of period.
4th: "I reckon you couldn't even go one day without using sarcasm, ten euros says you can't even do just that" Maria was quite a risk taker, she was very bold and prepared to do almost anything. Comma after 'that'.
5th: "You're on Maria, ten euros says I can" retorted Catherine, proud of her remark as usual. Comma after 'can'.
6th: "Alright stop your whining, I'll ask the driver" replied Ian, with a smug look on his face. It would be correct to put a period after whining otherwise it's a r.o.
7th: "That's much better, I hope the hotel is as okay as they say it will be" sighed Tom. Period after better and again comma after 'be'.
8th: "Ha ha very funny Cath, besides, didn't you and Maria have a bet to play?" jested Ian. Put a comma after the first ha.
9th: This isn't a correction but not everyone knows what a euro is so in the sentence: "You're on Maria, ten euros says I can" retorted Catherine, proud of her remark as usual. Put something like (a dollar in American money) next to it so everyone knows.
10th: "No, dammit" hissed Catherine under her breath. She reached into her pocket and reluctantly handed over an orange ten euro note. Maybe you should put a exclamation point after dammit to show strong emotion.
That's all I will say cause there are just little this here and there you will find. Anyway this was a fabulous piece and I think the rest of your story will be just as good! Thanks for posting! Keep writing and NEVER get discouraged!
~\/\/onder