z

Young Writers Society


12+ Language Violence

A Scale of Power- Chapter Five

by LordofLit101


Southern France sped past them. They weren't going to stop now. The incident in Paris was a sign of how close to death they had come. The four had practically felt the cold iron touch of Death's scythe on their bare skin. Tom stared half in a dream at the landscapes they were passing. Every city they passed, the scene was pretty much the same, people packing up and heading away, the army setting up defences, and in some locations, like in any state of anarchy, looting and pillaging. It had all happened here enough times. The Fall of Rome, the rise of Napoleonic France, World War One, World War Two. Now it was happening again, anarchy and fear were rising again. Europe had seen this enough for one lifetime, wasn't it time for this to end entirely? 

They had been experiencing the same sensation for days, ever since they had inhaled the first particle of that ominous gas. Tom couldn't believe this, the lizards who inhaled it didn't stand a chance, yet the four of them were still not dead. 

"When is this going to stop," muttered Tom in thought, studying his hands. 

"I don't know, and I don't like it," replied Ian concernedly, gazing at the geographical blurs out the window. 

"I feel even stranger," whispered Catherine, for once not being sarcastic. 

"How such?" asked Maria. 

"Like...I'm not sure but; it's like, I can almost feel every piece of matter in this train moving, no matter what or where it is, even the air," she replied in thought. 

"Well we could feel the air before, how is that different?" added Ian after a quick analysis of Catherine's words. 

"Every single particle," Catherine continued, "I can even feel them reacting with each other in the air, liquid, whatever," she made a guiding gesture with her hand slightly, and the water in a cup in front of her rocked in lapping waves. It was only vibrating gently with the movement of the train. Catherine gasped suddenly but silently, and raised her hand gently, still focusing on the cup. It hovered. Then she lost concentration, and the cup fell to the floor. 

Tom reached out to grab the cup, but before he could even touch it, it froze in mid-air and was still. Ian and Maria stared in disbelief, whilst Catherine examined her hands, whilst sweat coursed over her face. 

"But...how? This is against everything we've been raised to know!" stuttered Maria in shock. 

"Hang on though, I can't feel anything in this place except what I'm already aware of," said Tom in realization. 

"Anyway aside from all this I think it should come to an end soon," said Ian with hope. 

"You don't mean that, you believe we'll be stuck like this, for good," replied Tom looking up at him. 

"How did you-" stuttered Ian. Catherine and Maria stared at Tom in disbelief. 

"Well if you want to know anything else, I know that you're all worried about your families, as am I," he continued, "I also know that Maria got top grades from her exams," Tom said with a grin. 

"What?! We haven't even got our results yet!" she snapped, "Besides, you can't have known my answers, as you weren't there, and you don't have the mark scheme," concluded Maria triumphantly. 

"No, I don't have it in front of me, but a quick look at the Infrared waves going around the planet told me the mark schemes, and I quickly looked into your memory for your answers," Tom cleverly replied. 

"None of us even remember what we even wrote down as answers!" said Catherine hastily. 

"It's locked in the part of your brain you can't access," said Tom, "It will come back only if you summon the memory, oh and Catherine, you need more Calcium in your diet." he said to prove his point. 

"How do you know that?" Catherine snapped, but Tom didn't even need to open his mouth, he just projected his answer into her head: "Because I'm clever, does that sound familiar?". Catherine growled silently and was silenced. 

"Anyway..." Ian interrupted, "anyone want someone to eat? I could use a coffee and a sandwich," he continued hungrily. Maria glanced at him then looked at the table in front of them. Her eyes seemed to turn purple for a brief moment, and at the same time her red hair briefly shone, and a sandwich and a cup of coffee appeared in front of Ian. He gasped suddenly. 

"Who was that then?" he asked in a surprised state. 

"It was me," Maria replied. The four stared at each other in disbelief. Like the lizards, their evolution had somehow been modified or sped up, giving them what seemed the gifts of gods. 

* * *

Not much longer than an hour later, the train was climbing through the Alps, heading East. The golden sun sat behind the mountains, making the snow come ablaze in sparkling golden light. Clouds passed through the mountains and were shredded into red strips against the darkening sky, as the glittering snow capped mountains created an almost unearthly spectacle of the landscape. On either side of the valley, icy blue waterfalls cascaded magnificently into lush green valleys lined with grape vines and speckled with beautiful wooden lodges. Catherine opened her eyes slowly. The golden light pierced the deep sapphire pools that were her eyes. A soft fluttering could be heard, but there were no birds in here, but then the great thud on the roof of the train confirmed it. Further down the carriage, someone screamed. Others crawled under tables and seats. Some other frightened people pulled out pistols and knives, whilst staring concernedly up at the ceiling. Tom projected his thoughts into everyone's heads: 

They're here. 

Then Tom disappeared, and before any of the others could do or say anything, they suddenly were standing on the roof of the train. Three military helicopters hovered above the train, and they opened fire on the four. The bullets froze in mid-air, and they rotated round slowly, and whizzed as quickly as they had been fired back at the helicopters. A few men were hit and fell from the helicopters. They went plunging hundreds of feet into the deep valley. Lord Venom sneered at the four and jumped from a helicopter, followed by a dozen more of his reptilian troops. 

"Why are you here, bronze bastard?" jested Catherine. 

"Because, female, you know of our weakness, therefore you must perish!" growled Lord Venom in reply. He clicked his fingers and the lizards rushed forward. Tom smiled slyly and waved his hand slightly. Three lizards flew to the left, then he made an opening gesture with his hands. The three reptiles were torn in half, and black blood soaked Lord Venom. The Lord stared in horror at Tom and the other three. 

"I know you now fear us." said Tom in Lord Venom's head. Ian then morphed into a Velociraptor and sprinted at the helicopters. He jumped with great agility and began to rip the weaponry and every living thing in the helicopter to shreds. Ian then jumped down from the helicopter as it drifted off and crashed into the side of a mountain. Catherine moved her hands in a few motions and ripped open a helicopter, and then threw the rotor blades at all the human troops, who immediately fell still and silent. The wreckage then flew towards five lizards and sent them into the valley below. Where they were crushed by the weight of the metal. But Catherine wasn't done, as the lizards weren't dead. She pulled great chunks of ice from the mountain side across the valley and slammed them into the fleeing lizards. Maria generated mechatronic armour  and used it to bring down the last helicopter. She then generated a strange yet huge looking type of pistol, and it fired bullets with green tips at the last two lizards. Lord Venom managed to dodge them, but the other lizard was hit.

Like in Paris, this lizard's eyes went cloudy and his scales became brittle. Maria then handed tom a shotgun, where he loaded it and blasted the squirming lizard's head to pieces. Lord Venom raised his arms and sprang forward. Ian slammed into the Lord and savagely bit his neck. Venom roared in pain as Catherine then used electricity from the cables overhead to electrocute Lord Venom. He then tried to get back up, but Tom focused all his brain power and fired at Lord Venom's mind. Dazed, screaming and blood soaked, Lord Venom gave one great burst from his wings and flew back towards France. The Reptiliad had at last suffered a defeat! With some quick thinking from Tom, the four were safely back inside the train. Everyone else in the carriage stared in amazement. But they did not shoot them, or run away. Instead they applauded, as the train crossed another border, into Austria. 


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Sun Jul 26, 2015 6:30 pm
ChimeraMania wrote a review...



THIS IS AMAZING. Gosh, at first I thought they were just born with powers or something, but I'm excited to know that it was something totally different and I LOVE IT.

Ian then morphed into a Velociraptor and sprinted at the helicopters. He jumped with great agility and began to rip the weaponry and every living thing in the helicopter to shreds. Ian then jumped down from the helicopter as it drifted off and crashed into the side of a mountain. Catherine moved her hands in a few motions and ripped open a helicopter, and then threw the rotor blades at all the human troops, who immediately fell still and silent.

Umm....shouldn't they be fighting 'with' the human troops? Or are those the men following Vincent and the Lord, if so, you didn't call them human troops before.

I didn't leave a comment on the other one because I rushed to get to this one. But I liked that one as well. This novel has came far (seeing as I read from 10 up to 7) and I can't wait to read six. Which I am about to do.

~Sharrae out, tottles




LordofLit101 says...


The human troops are corrupted and some are Vincent Dunthorpe's men.



ChimeraMania says...


Ah thanks for clearing that up, I needed it.



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Sun Jul 19, 2015 7:37 pm
Carlito wrote a review...



Hello again! :)

Things are getting exciting! Now I see what the purpose of the four it, they're going to overthrow this reptilian problem in lots of big exciting fights, superhero style :)

This review will likely also be fairly brief as many of the things I'll say will be similar to what I've said in previous chapters. One plot thing before I get into my thoughts about this chapter... At the end of the last chapter they were in the middle of a soon-to-be fight with the lizards and they weren't sure how they would be able to get out of Paris. This chapter picks up with them on the train getting out of town. How did that happen? How did they escape? I feel like you need more of an ending on that last chapter if this one isn't going to pick up immediately where it leaves off.

I'm still going to focus on fairly big picture things. If you want me to get more small-scale (sentence/paragraph/word level things, I'd be happy to do so!)

They had been experiencing the same sensation for days, ever since they had inhaled the first particle of that ominous gas. Tom couldn't believe this, the lizards who inhaled it didn't stand a chance, yet the four of them were still not dead.

"When is this going to stop," muttered Tom in thought, studying his hands.

When is what going to stop? Can he see himself changing? (If so describe that). Can he feel himself changing? (If so describe that).

"I don't know, and I don't like it," replied Ian concernedly, gazing at the geographical blurs out the window.

I won't repeat what I said in the other chapter about adverbs :)

"I feel even stranger," whispered Catherine, for once not being sarcastic.

Feelings of strangeness is relative. How would Catherine know that how she feels is somehow more amplified than how the others feel?

"Like...I'm not sure but; it's like, I can almost feel every piece of matter in this train moving, no matter what or where it is, even the air," she replied in thought.

This is another thing I've noticed, and this is more of a small-scale thing, but it's enough of a pattern that I'll mention it. I've noticed that you like to get creative with your dialogue tags. There's nothing wrong with creative dialogue tags, but they can get a little overboard, and I think yours do sometimes. Like this one - I'm not even sure what it means to reply in thought. Don't be afraid to stick with "She/He said" and leave it at that. There's no harm in keeping things simple.
If you want to include something along with "said" or whatever tag you use, I would recommend using an action. This is another good way to foster character development - give them a habit or a thing that they do that sets them a part from the other characters. So an example of this would be something like: "I'm so mad at you!" She said, throwing up her arms in frustration. Or: "She'll be home any minute." He stares out the window and waits for her to arrive.
The one I pointed out here is just one example of, what I feel, are overboard dialogue tags that don't actually tell us much. There are others, and if you'd like me to point more out I'd be happy to, but see if you can pick em out yourself :)

"But...how? This is against everything we've been raised to know!" stuttered Maria in shock.

"Hang on though, I can't feel anything in this place except what I'm already aware of," said Tom in realization.

Awkward dialogue - really this whole continuing exchange. Refer to what I said in a previous chapter :)

The golden sun sat behind the mountains, making the snow come ablaze in sparkling golden light. Clouds passed through the mountains and were shredded into red strips against the darkening sky, as the glittering snow capped mountains created an almost unearthly spectacle of the landscape. On either side of the valley, icy blue waterfalls cascaded magnificently into lush green valleys lined with grape vines and speckled with beautiful wooden lodges.

I thought this was a pretty vivid description. Nice job!

The golden light pierced the deep sapphire pools that were her eyes.

Too flowery for my taste.

A soft fluttering could be heard, but there were no birds in here, but then the great thud on the roof of the train confirmed it.

Confirmed what? What is "it"?

I thought the description of the battle was pretty good. It was vivid and I could see it going on in my head. I'm going to leave things here for now. A lot of what I've said in previous chapters holds true for this one as well and I don't want to repeat myself :) Let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing!




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Sun Jun 28, 2015 12:21 pm
TheCrimsonLady wrote a review...



Hallo, love. Anne here to write a Review Day review for you. Haven't read the previous chapters, but I'll do my best.

Nitpicking first, aye?
You've got a lot of comma splices. An example of one is the second to last sentence in your first paragraph. I'm not going to point each one out to you, because I trust that you can do it yourself.

After that, really, you haven't got any big errors. So let's move on to your actual story.

Right. The first thing I thought of was fuel. If you haven't addressed this, make sure you do, since the train can't run back and forth on the track forever. If you have, well, I did say that I haven't read the previous chapters.

Next, the part where they gain their abilities progresses far too quickly. I might even go so far as to suggest that you end the chapter while they're still playing with their abilities and make the fight with Lord Venom a whole new chapter.
The pacing was also far too fast in the Lord Venom scene. You can take some time to put some dialogue in there, and perhaps more description.

The descriptions you already have, however, are great. I would suggest you go further and describe how each of their abilities makes them feel. Also, give the reader insight into their minds more often. Your characters will become more relatable then :).

That's all I was able to find. Great work, love, and keep writing.
Anne




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Sun Jun 28, 2015 12:19 am
yizhongt wrote a review...



Hey there, yizhongt here to give a review on this lovely review day.

Wow just, wow. I'm really enjoying the story. Who knew the gas could give them super powers??? That would hopefully level the playing field against the lizards. I like the descriptions you give, they are really nice.

However, I thought that the battle scene could have been more confusing and chaotic. Confusing and chaotic in the sense that the team does not really know the full extent to their powers so the fumble around for awhile on what to do before beating those lizards and sending them packing. Its just a suggestion.

Grammar and spelling wise I can see no mistake in the piece. Very good.

Keep on writing. Cannot wait for the next chapter of this story to unfold. Cheers !!




LordofLit101 says...


Thanks so much! I got the descriptions because I have actually been to the Alps myself (In Italy, pretty much in the shadow of Mont Blanc) and yeah they have superpowers, well we needed something to level the playing field a bit! If you're really anticipated about this novel, I already have an idea for a second book involving the four, and a third book too..
But anyway really glad you liked the book, chapter six is ready to go I just need to publish it! ;)




It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.
— Albus Dumbledore