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16+ Language

Your welcome.

by LordTachanka


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

Forever and always.

On my life I swear.

Really I was quite lost without you in my life.

E.E you are the love I never knew I needed.

Vicious thoughts ran rampant though my mind before i met you.

Every thought now is beautiful and blissful.

Right now we have each other. 

And it shall always be so.

Never shall I leave your side, nor you to mine

Damn it your the love of my life.

And I know people will say we're young and naive.

Like they'd know what we've been through.

Well, screw them when love is strong and really it can change the world.

Always yours.

You.

Always mine.

Sincerely Sam.


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841 Reviews


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Sat Nov 18, 2017 12:53 am
Radrook wrote a review...



It is always pleasant to read about intense love ad the happiness that accompanies it when it is reciprocated love. So the poem did convey that intensity. I would have tried to make it more poetic by using some similes and metaphors. You know, “My love is LIKE a red red rose” is a simile because it compares love to something material--a rose. If the poet would have said: "My love IS a red red rose,...” then that would have been a metaphor.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Red,_Red_Rose


Suggestions:

“Well, screw them[!] [W]hen love....”
“Dam it! You’re the love of my life.”
https://www.thefreedictionary.com/Excla ... Points.htm

[“Forever and always....”] Redundant.

Try not to use the same word twice in close proximity:

“....in my life....”
“....on my life”

Thoughts are always in the head. Reader doesn’t need to be told the location.




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Sun Oct 29, 2017 1:34 pm
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Mathy wrote a review...



Hi, this is ZeldaIsShiek here for another review on some amazing literature! I'm here to make the Werewolves pay for their advantage, and to make your writing better as a whole. Without any further adue, let's get into this review!

I really liked how you conveyed the message that this is a love poem very early, and I like how that changed how I thought of this literary work as a whole. It truly is an amazing poem that I think is worthy of all the praise I can give you. You did splice "You're" for "your," so it's not the most grammatically correct poem I have ever read, but I don't think it subtracts from the meaning in a way significant enough to damage the reader's perception of the message you are trying to convey to them. That is why this poem is a true work of art, and why I am reviewing it here today.

This poem is a letter. That is apparent by the ending of the poem, but is it really? Maybe not. Maybe this is not a letter to a loved one, but simply a love poem sent to the one you love manually or by mail. This is not a poem that asks for love, but reinforces it, and even though everyone says they are too young to understand their feelings and they don't understand what they've been through, they truly are an inseparable pair of love and triumph.

-ZeldaIsShiek, keep writing! You're a good poet!




LordTachanka says...


Thanks @ZeldaIsShiek for the review I'm really glad you like it! You pretty much hit the nail on the head when you said it seems like a letter reinforcing love not asking for it.



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Sat Oct 28, 2017 12:16 am
DeerInBacPac wrote a review...



Hello, E.E here for a possibly quick review and maybe some utter nonsense! Grim is here as well, drinking hot cocoa and being a slacker. *Grim looks over, glaring* So, lets get started. :smt020

So, first thing I notice is that the anagram is spelled wrong. The second to last line is not needed well, the a is not needed. A few places need commas like “Damn it your the love of my life”, “And I know people will say that we are still young and naive” and “You”. Otherwise I did not notice anything else but others might!

Now is when I dissect your poem and see if I can't get its meaning right! Well, I mean.... I know what it means. I am dating you after all!

Overall I liked the poem and keep up the good work! Happy Halloween! I really need to go now Grim has souls to reap and he needs more cocoa. He has a problem, seriously. Cheerio and fruit loops to you!




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Fri Oct 27, 2017 9:00 pm
wordwing says...



Ohhhhh I just have to make a lil' joke on this one, bear with me.

WHAT IS LOVE? BABY DON'T HURT ME...
And now onto the pretty sad fact.
I HAVE never BEEN in love, so this makes me wonder... I also might be aromantic? I dunno...
Cough, cough my brother has got a gf and I am not even in love... I feel jealous of their happiness and LOVEYDOVEYness (if that's a word).




zaminami says...


I have

It sucks



wordwing says...


Aww:(.



LordTachanka says...


I'm so sorry to hear that @wordwing we'll if I can give you any advice is that love is like a cat certaint cats are mean and will hurt you and you'll have to let them go others are sweet and make your life better but it love much like cats take work and care. I'd no im in my 3rd relationship ever at the moment and the first two ended because I got cheated on both times. me and my gf live 4 states away from each other but I believe whole heartedly that we'll make past are hurdles. Now not sound sappy but true love feels completely different than dating someone because it's the social norm. I believe every has a true love you just gotta search for them
I hope my advice helped in any way just always try to look on the bright side and have a nice rest of your day :)



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Fri Oct 27, 2017 3:43 pm
zaminami wrote a review...



Hello LordTachanka! Welcome to YWS! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!

Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough = remove
Underline = krazy Kara komments.

Spoiler! :
Forever and always{,}

On my life I swear.

Really{,} I was quite lost without you in my life.

E.E you are the love I never knew I needed. {AHHHHH THIS IS A BOYFRIEND LETTER}

Vicious thoughts ran rampant though my mind before {I} met you.

Every thought now is beautiful and blissful.

Right now we have each other.

And it shall always be so.

Never shall I leave your side, nor you to mine{.} {I hate to break it to you buddy, but it probably will happen}

Damn it{,} {you're} the love of my life. {Aren't both of you in my grade?}

And I know people will say we're young and {naïve}.

Like they'd know what we've been through.

Well, screw them when love is strong and really it can change the world.

Always your{'}s.

You.

Always mine.

Sincerely{,} Sam.


Yes, I know that you and E.E. are dating, first of all. I'm her irl friend, believe it or not :D and yes, I am an emo (E.E. told me about you guys' conversation :3).

The flow and grammatical issues are atrocious. "your" should be "you're" in most cases, including your title. The imagery is fine, and it's obvious that you're a beginner. However, you will improve over time, and poetry is hard :D keep up the great work.

Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --

Kara

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DeerInBacPac says...


Haha!



LordTachanka says...


....




If writers wrote as carelessly as some people talk, then adhasdh asdglaseuyt[bn[ pasdlgkhasdfasdf.
— Lemony Snicket