Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.
I sit hear listening to you talk,
More and more hours tick by,
And this is all I could ask for,
Listening to you,
Looking at you,
You're so fucking beautiful,
Obsessing over something you love,
Utterly is plain human nature,
Right now you worry your annoying me,
Seriously! I love hearing your voice,
Honey I could listen for hours,
On my life I swear,
Now please continue about your story.
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140,763 Literary Works • 673,687 Reviews
HEYA it's Izzy!
I know who this is aboutttt!
This is so sweet and beautiful and aweeeee!
I can relate to the girl, (I know who the girl is also hah) because I am super insecure about being annoying and talking too much, so it's so sweet that you reassure her that she's beautiful and not annoying. You are a good person LT.
Izzy
*tear rolls down face* thank you
*hugs* dude your so welcome!
Hello!!
It's actually very meaningful. It paved the way for an expression of love and admiration. I, for one, can relate to what you wrote. It just feels so good to look at someone and be beyond grateful for that person.
Your work is wonderful. I've actually pictured a story in my mind
I hope you will continue to write more of these. Continue to tell more stories!! Surely looking forward to reading
Annnnnnnnnnnd I've lost it. Also, the title, nice job.
Okay, okay, OKAY. By the end I was like AHHHH I FEEL FUZZY and for some reason, was about to cry. Emotions, am I right?
Now for the actual review. A well written poem, for sure. It flowed very well for being an acrostic. A few lines should have periods though. Those lines would be "Looking at you", "Obsessing over something you love,", "Seriously! I love hearing your voice,". A few places also need commas. Those places would be "Right now", "Now please" and "Honey". A few words would have more meaning if you were to italizes them. These words would be "hours" and " beautiful".
I liked the acrostic.
The poem doesn't really need explaining on my part...
I LOVED IT SO MUCH okay, sorry, don't know what happen there okay, um well, overall, I loved the poem and keep up the good work! Happy Thanks- WAIT NOT MERRY CHRISTMAS I CAN SAY THAT NOW! I really need to go now Grim has souls to reap and he needs more cocoa. He has a problem, seriously. Cheerio and fruit loops to you!
I'm so happy you liked it hon. But I will fix those issues as soon as I can. But yeah I knew you'd love the title *evil laughter* and also fun fact I'm writing another poem and let's just say it's real going to pluck at your heart strings..... if you catch my drift *more evil laughter* but anyway I'm very happy you liked it and on serious note you need to grin some help he's got a serious addiction to cocoa.
I'm so happy you liked it hon. But I will fix those issues as soon as I can. But yeah I knew you'd love the title *evil laughter* and also fun fact I'm writing another poem and let's just say it's real going to pluck at your heart strings..... if you catch my drift *more evil laughter* but anyway I'm very happy you liked it and on serious note you need to grin some help he's got a serious addiction to cocoa.
I don't know why that posted twice...... hummmmm oh well
NO IDEA AND YOUR ONLINE
Yeah I'm pulling YWS up every time I can at work today.
YAY
I like how this is done. Except, maybe a bigger line break between Im, all, and... I think you get what I'm talking about. There's some grammatical issues in here. Narrator says, "You're so fucking beautiful." This, to me is a funny sentence, saying someone's beautiful right after cursing at them. It gives the idea of sarcasm. Thus, I get a sarcastic interpretation of the rest of the way.
Over all: The biggest strength is the "IMALLYOURSHON." I thought that was pretty cool. Biggest weakness was lack of imagery. You don't need a lot, but it's impossible to imagine anything here, it's all about feeling, which, again, is more sarcastic, to me. So, maybe not imagery, but the message, I think, is not fully conveyed.
Rating: 5/10. I see the "hidden" message, for lack of a better word, and think that part is creative, but the rest of it is... a little cliche. A lot of these phrases are kind of generic.
Ideas: If it is a satire, maybe give words like 'obsession' and phrases like 'fucking beautiful' a strikeout, or italicize them. If the piece is more emotional, maybe do line breaks in the really strong areas, but that would breakup the "hidden" message a little.
So @shusher I'm glad you liked it but to help with the issues you have.
First off it's not really sopoused to have a lot of imagery because this piece is more like a letter to a loved one but in poetry form.
Second off the poem isn't sarcastic at all in fact it's meant to be endearing.
And last but not least third off when I (the narrator) said "Your so fucking beautiful" the choice in words was to strengthen the fact that my girlfriend (whom the poem is written for) is VERY attractive. And also it was kind meant as a joke for @Fumadiddle (my girlfriend) because if you happen to be a person that knows me personally you'd know I curse A LOT. Well anyway thank you for the review and I'm really glad you liked it.
@Flumadiddle
YAY