I Can Tell When I'm Not Wanted

Hello there =]. I think its just me... maybe, but in the first few lines I didn't find much of a rhythm. I think thats partly because you didn't separate it into stanzas, which makes it hard for readers to find which words to annunciate and to find that pattern, the flow. I think the overall message is good, but a little bit more emotion would be good. You tell us how she's feeling, but you just Tell us. Make us feel it! Is her heart pounding? Is her head spinning? Hands shaking? Paint us a picture of whats going on. Overall nicely done, it just needs a few touch ups here and there =]

Oh, I disagree! I think it did have emotion! I thought it was really good! I think you could improve the grammar (missed a few commas, full stops) at times, but it was good. I liked the title. but I do agree it could have been better.

I can tell when I’m not wanted.
I can tell when you don’t care.
Neither do I.
Yeah,
Neither do I.

Hello! My name is Alia, and I'm here to review today!
This poem was decent. It was to-the-point and flowed well, and your grammar was impecable.
I have two faults with your poem:

1: lack of emotion

Let me be brutally honest: I found not an ounce of emotion in your piece. It was as if the words were from your head, not your heart. I know the narritive was genuine, but the emotion was not, in my opinion. I can feel through your words that you were trying, but something was restricting you from brimming the poem with real, unwavering emotion.

2: the title

For this piece, the title doesn't do it justice AT ALL. I've used the first line of my story/poem for its title before, and, believe me, it's not worth it. Think of a more original title. It's as if you've been so lazy you can't be bothered to think of a cool, quirky title to make your piece stand out. If you change one thing in this poem, change the name.

That's all, and remember, the above is only my opinion. I hope you don't think my advice too harsh!

~ Alia

I really liked this, I can relate to it which is what makes it even better. I enjoyed your writing style and I think it flowed well. I don't think I could fault this at all to be honest. Keep writing stuff as fantastic as this and I'm sure you will be really successful

That was great. Keep writing.

Awesome poem! Well, I really enjoyed it, anyway... Not a lot of description in it, but simple and to the point, and I can still feel the emotions in this piece. I like it a lot. Well, also I enjoy pieces I can relate to a little, and I've definately had a few similar thoughts of my own. I really liked how you were able to express your feelings so that the reader can share your thoughts. Also, great ending! I liked how you repeated yourself, like the person is trying to convince theirselves.

I’ll hide my secrets; I’ll hide my tears
I can tell when I’m not wanted.
I can tell when you don’t care.
Neither do I.
Yeah,
Neither do I.

I love your style of writing!
Every verse flows so well and the topic really captured my attention; I am sure that everyone has felt like that before. Felt unwanted. I really like this poem because of the way you conveyed the emotions.