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E - Everyone

What You Can See

by Liberty


Note: Keep in mind that my seven-year old sibling asked me to publish this on the Young Writers Society. Scartch that. Begged me. Anyways, I just wanna tell you: go easy on the review or comments.

~

I can see trees.

I can see fleas.

I can see grass,

with lots of seeds.

I can see rain,

dripping on heads.

I can see fishes, 

splashing in the pond.


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Fri Jun 14, 2019 1:18 am
Casanova wrote a review...



Heya, Liberty, Casanova here to do a review for you.

Well, to start off, I would like to say that this is really sweet and touching, especially since it was your seven year old sibling. That really touched my heart there, and I think I'll go easy on this for you.

To start off, I like how this is about just seeing things. I mean you could be using so many other things, but this is really just a walk in nature it seems like. I mean, this is amazing. Just a peaceful, walk in nature where all you see is everything that's supposed to be there. The grass, rain, hand fish just all there, looking at you. Not scared, not destroyed, just there, like nature intended it to be. Which, especially in this situation, is really sweet and innocent. Anyway, onward.

I think honestly the only thing I don't like about this, and you'll love this- it doesn't have a meter to it haha. I would love to see this with a meter, a rhythm, a rhyme scheme. Honestly I can sort of see this being in a kids movie or something, just sitting there in the beginning with a little girl or boy running through a park and tripping over a tree branch only to laugh it off as birds fly over head, but that's just me haha.

Thanks for sharing this liberty.

Sincerely, Casanova




Liberty says...


Your welcome! And I'll just tag my sister so she can check out this review. ;) @Butterfly7 (She's the one who wrote it.)



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Sun Feb 17, 2019 12:35 am
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tinybookfarie wrote a review...



Hello, tinybookfarie here for a review.
I think this wa so sweet! It’s really good for someone who is only seven. In fact, it’s probably ten times better than what I used to write when I was that age. Pls tell your sister that she did a marvelous job and that she should keep on writing more.
Best of wishes!
~tinybookfaire




Liberty says...


Oh, thanks, she has her own account now! She's @Butterfly7. :)



Butterfly7 says...


Thanks



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Mon Feb 11, 2019 12:21 am
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Horisun says...



I like this! Like, a lot! Tell your sibling that her poems awesome! (And it's certainly better than that book I wrote when I was seven :D)




Liberty says...


Lol, okay. She'll be so happy!



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Sun Feb 10, 2019 5:34 pm
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Dossereana wrote a review...



Hi Violet her with a short review for you.
Wowo I think this is really good for a seven year old, well done to you I loved it, and I think that the riming was grate, and bye the way I did not see any things that should be changed I just think you did a grate job here.

I can see trees.

I can see fleas.

I can see grass,

with lots of seeds.


This bit I thought was the best bit with the riming, I am twelve nobody noes my age, but I am telling you, because even now I right this kind of stuff, I must say I had a wonderful time reading this. :D

I can see rain,

dropping on people's heads.

I can see fishes splashing the water in the pond,

just for some fun!


Here is one of my favorite parts that I liked, I think this had so much rithom to it and it sounded to reel to me, anyways I loved reading this keep writing I would love to here more of your poems. :D

@EagleFly Out To Seek And Kill




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Sun Feb 10, 2019 2:38 am
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FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hello I'm here to give you a short review.

I thought this poem was really cute, I can see why your sister wanted you to post this on YWS. It's the type of thing little kids would like the hear. I would think about posting this in like a kids poem book or something.
I think the riming in the beginning of the poem was really cute, and it started it out well, I also think the name you picked for this poem is a really good one. It's simple and yet speaks the truth.

I guess I can't really point out the mistake I saw because @imaginer2018 has already done that. So I guess that will be it for me for now. I look forward to reading more of your poems. Never stop writing and have a great day/night.

Your friend
FlamingPhoenix. :D




Liberty says...


My sister says thanks. <3






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Sat Feb 09, 2019 10:15 pm
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imaginer2018 wrote a review...



Hi, Violet here reviewing. I can relate, except I don't have a sibling; I have an eight-year-old cousin.

This is a very cute poem that you would see in a children's poem. Perhaps Dr. Seuss. The flow is nice and the rhythm is excellent. My favorite part are the four lines, mainly because of the rhyming scheme.

I did not like the last two lines, though. They throw off the rhythm of the lines above and make it choppy. Instead, shorten it by removing "the water." Your readers already know what's being splashed, so you can do without them. "I can see fishes splashing in the pond." It sounds better and smoother.

The second and last thing is the word 'dropping.' It doesn't fit in with the context. It works better with physical, solid objects like egg, or card. With rain, I would choose 'dripping.'

Kudos to you and your sibling for publishing this poem. It's such a cute poem. :)




Liberty says...


My sister says thank you very much. :)




Lots of times you have to pretend to join a parade in which you're not really interested in order to get where you're going.
— Christopher Darlington Morley