What You Can See

Hi Libby, it's your bestie here to review the cutest poem ever, let's get started.

The structure of Butterfly's poem starts wavering drastically, the first half is what she sees, and the second part is more descriptive, taking up two sentences. This is a bit choppy, especially the way it switches randomly.

Other than that, the rhyme scheme, in the beginning, is incredible, I wish she would have kept with it. This poem is really good for someone so young. I hope your sister is still writing!

I think the parts with the more complicated sentences in the second half of the poem evoked much more imagery for me - also a quick tip - for poetry it's a good idea to make sure your imagery is all in the same family.

ie. if you're writing a "star and sky poem" don't use the imagery of a puppy and a computer, because it doesn't fit the family of imagery.

In this case, Butterfly did a great! job of focusing on one family of images, the only one that didn't quite fit for me was the fleas - it is nature, but it's just not as evocative as the others, and doesn't quite feel as related.

Nice work, never stop writing, poetry is like any art - you have to practice and practice to get better - and it's really great that you're starting young and stretching those poetry muscles already!

all the best,

alliyah

Heya, Liberty, Casanova here to do a review for you.

Well, to start off, I would like to say that this is really sweet and touching, especially since it was your seven year old sibling. That really touched my heart there, and I think I'll go easy on this for you.

To start off, I like how this is about just seeing things. I mean you could be using so many other things, but this is really just a walk in nature it seems like. I mean, this is amazing. Just a peaceful, walk in nature where all you see is everything that's supposed to be there. The grass, rain, hand fish just all there, looking at you. Not scared, not destroyed, just there, like nature intended it to be. Which, especially in this situation, is really sweet and innocent. Anyway, onward.

I think honestly the only thing I don't like about this, and you'll love this- it doesn't have a meter to it haha. I would love to see this with a meter, a rhythm, a rhyme scheme. Honestly I can sort of see this being in a kids movie or something, just sitting there in the beginning with a little girl or boy running through a park and tripping over a tree branch only to laugh it off as birds fly over head, but that's just me haha.

Thanks for sharing this liberty.

Sincerely, Casanova

Hello, tinybookfarie here for a review.
I think this wa so sweet! It’s really good for someone who is only seven. In fact, it’s probably ten times better than what I used to write when I was that age. Pls tell your sister that she did a marvelous job and that she should keep on writing more.
Best of wishes!
~tinybookfaire

I like this! Like, a lot! Tell your sibling that her poems awesome! (And it's certainly better than that book I wrote when I was seven )

Hi Violet her with a short review for you.
Wowo I think this is really good for a seven year old, well done to you I loved it, and I think that the riming was grate, and bye the way I did not see any things that should be changed I just think you did a grate job here.

I can see trees.

I can see fleas.

I can see grass,

with lots of seeds.

I can see rain,

dropping on people's heads.

I can see fishes splashing the water in the pond,

just for some fun!

Hello I'm here to give you a short review.

I thought this poem was really cute, I can see why your sister wanted you to post this on YWS. It's the type of thing little kids would like the hear. I would think about posting this in like a kids poem book or something.
I think the riming in the beginning of the poem was really cute, and it started it out well, I also think the name you picked for this poem is a really good one. It's simple and yet speaks the truth.

I guess I can't really point out the mistake I saw because @imaginer2018 has already done that. So I guess that will be it for me for now. I look forward to reading more of your poems. Never stop writing and have a great day/night.

Your friend
FlamingPhoenix.

Hi, Violet here reviewing. I can relate, except I don't have a sibling; I have an eight-year-old cousin.

This is a very cute poem that you would see in a children's poem. Perhaps Dr. Seuss. The flow is nice and the rhythm is excellent. My favorite part are the four lines, mainly because of the rhyming scheme.

I did not like the last two lines, though. They throw off the rhythm of the lines above and make it choppy. Instead, shorten it by removing "the water." Your readers already know what's being splashed, so you can do without them. "I can see fishes splashing in the pond." It sounds better and smoother.

The second and last thing is the word 'dropping.' It doesn't fit in with the context. It works better with physical, solid objects like egg, or card. With rain, I would choose 'dripping.'

Kudos to you and your sibling for publishing this poem. It's such a cute poem.