Young Writers Society

Hello, this poem was a very beautiful one especially because it's about a father describinghis infant daughter. I think there was a lot of emotion in this poem, and i liked how you made the poem rhyme. My favourite lines were

"i saw your little eyes
for the first time -
they were closed.
and your fists were clenched
in small, tight balls.
your toes were curled.
and when you opened your eyes -
those little brown orbs -
made me want to melt."

I especially likes the line where you said her eyes made you want to melt, because it shows the unconditional, pure love between parent and child.
I liked how in the second stanza you taljked about the daughter now all grown up and about how much you cherish her.

Hey Liberty!

There's something beautifully solemn about this. Describing an infant in second person makes it feel a lot more intimate. I think it's partially because second person perspectives tend to feel more personal anyway, but also by doing it in this context you're kind of pushing the reader from being in that very safe, protected place into something much less safe in the second stanza, and the effect is brilliant. It's almost like a false sense of security... but in a way that's not as sinister as it usually sounds.

The ambiguity is great too. The girl and her mother could be any age, in any circumstance. They could still be young, and having to sleep on a couch because they're poor, or they could be much older and the daughter has simply come to visit and taken a nap. Although you mention it in the comments, in the poem itself it never even specifies that the narrator is even her mother. That ambiguity makes the sentiment a lot stronger because it's so universal for that relationship between a parent and their child to stay the same even when that child is grown up.

This was a great and really wholesome read. Thank you for posting!

Hi, this is Kahlene! I saw this poem in the Green Room so I thought I'd drop a review!

This poem is very beautiful, the whole thing was nicely written. The whole poem flowed together, it never dragged on and made me bored, one thing that I dislike very much is a poem with no context that drags on. The formating is also creative, I haven't seen a poem that is in the center in a while here. Also, I wanted to say that the baby girl that was explained in this poem sounds like an angel, she seems so sweet.

The ending does worry me, though. What happened that the mother wrote this letter? Did something happen to the child, or did the mother leave the child? This ending is very unexpected, I would love for you to tell me why you wrote this ending.

Well, that is all I have for now. I hope you will write more like this, this poem was nice to read. It had emotion in it and a secretive ending that I must know! Anyway, I hope you have a good day!

Hi Liberty!
This is such a wonderful poem, and the imagery throughout is beautiful! I can’t find a favorite line because the whole poem IS my favorite line ;D
One little punctuation thing: “and when you opened you eyes - / those little brown orbs - / made me want to melt”
I would take away the dash after “orbs” because otherwise you have to clarify “THEY made me want to melt”.
Also, I was wondering what the narrator meant by “these will be the last words / from me to you”. This is a really cool plot twist and definitely plays with my emotions here, but I would have loved a little more explanation behind it. Is she going to get married? Is one of them going to die?(!)
Overall, I think this is a really nice poem and I loved how you ended it in Spanish. It gives it a kind of magical flair, and just the sounds of the words reading it aloud evoke a wonderfully happy feeling. Thanks for sharing your poem with us!