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by Liberty

It happens, doesn't it?

Everyone has to leave this world, everyone has to go.

But why?

Why didn't they let her go meet her father?


Why didn't they let her?

Because they're cruel, and they're wretched people, and I'm ashamed to know them.

I wish they'd change.

I really wish they'll just let her go.

She's been wanting to see her father for so long.

But he left this world because of a mighty truck before she could.

Why does life have to be so cruel?

Why can't it slow down to my pace?

Why does it rush forward like it doesn't care?

Tears leave my eyes, my mother's eyes, when she hears about her father.

I feel broken, as if my own grandfather left.

Life is like that.

Isn't it?

I don't like it.

I can hear her sobbing from over the phone.

I can hear her pouring her heart out to my mother.

I want to scream at them.

Tell them to shut up.

Tell them to change the rules.

She's been wanting to see him for years, but she was never allowed.

Why does it have to happen?

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25 Reviews

Points: 2050
Reviews: 25

Wed Oct 23, 2019 8:04 pm
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RanaNoodles wrote a review...

I’m new to YWS, so I’m sorry if this review isn’t up to scratch...?
I’m just really in awe with this poem. Usually, with poems that don’t rhyme, they get a little choppy and just don’t flow the same (at least in my experience writing them), but this one didn’t have that problem. I feel like, in this poem, it’s better without the rhyming; it makes it feel so much more raw and emotional.
Another thing I’m kind of shocked at is the fact that you keep bouncing from thoughts to what’s happening, and then back to thoughts again. And then there are the places where you mix the two, where it’s not italicized, but it’s still a thought. I’m not sure if that makes sense, even to myself, but I wanted to put it down, because it was really good.
The only thing I’m confused about is the people, and how they relate to one another. Wouldn’t the mother’s father be the grandfather? It might just be me, but I was a little confused.
Overall, I loved this poem and how it wasn’t holding back.
I hope this was a helpful review, but please let me know if there’s something else I should be doing!
-Rana Noodles

Liberty says...

Thanks for the review and all the sweet compliments. I understand the father-grandfather-mother thing. It was a tad confusing when I read it after I cooled down, haha. My aunt's dad actually passed away in an accident, and he was like a grandfather to me, so... It was super depressing, because he was like the light in the darkness, but - *shrug* - I've learnt that I have to get over it, because it happens.

Thanks again and welcome to YWS! (:

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896 Reviews

Points: 29795
Reviews: 896

Wed Oct 23, 2019 2:15 am
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alliyah wrote a review...

This is quite an emotional piece Lib - and feels very vulnerable and authentic. I liked the pieces of deep introspection in it, that go a bit deeper than just a "I'm feeling sad" but really dig into those feelings. I think this type of poem is really very intense, and for me could have used some breaks in the intensity maybe with imagery, metaphor, or a memory to break up the internal dialogue chunks. As it is, the piece's strength is really the introspective exploration you've given.

I think these were some of the most powerful lines:

"Why can't it slow down to my pace?

Why does it rush forward like it doesn't care?"

I really liked the idea of addressing life itself, and personifying it by asking it to slow down. I think that's a creative way to illustrate that emotion of feeling like too many things are happening all at once.

A little bit of critique - I think it is extremely difficult to make effective poetry through primarily questions. Because questions don't build up a world most of the time but tear a world apart. I think that questions in poems are most effective generally surrounded by other supporting "building-up" text. I think the specificity of this poem could be increased. I get a sense of the emotional state of the speaker, but not much sense of really what's going on in their life, besides just bits and pieces -- a little bit more relational specificity would go a long way in helping elevate an empathetic response from the reader. In other words, for a reader to care about what they're reading, they need to have some sense of what's at stake, and what's going on.

I hope all is well, and if you're writing from personal experience, my condolences to you, and I'm hoping that writing this poem allowed you a little bit of peace through processing those emotions. Poetry can be a very powerful tool for processing and understanding emotion.

Let me know if you wanted any other specific feedback in an area I missed, thank you for posting! And keep writing poetry Liberty!


Liberty says...

I was really angry and upset when I wrote this so I missed a lot of stuff... I guess half of it turned out as questions, haha. I'll add more to it soon. :P

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8 Reviews

Points: 97
Reviews: 8

Wed Oct 23, 2019 12:54 am
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LilyPhelen wrote a review...

I really enjoyed this. It is very emotional, and rightfully so. You capture the death of a loved one from a younger perspective very well. I also enjoyed how you came full circle at the end and changed the question into why? instead of "doesn't it?". It's as if the character has grown in such little time, but now is more insightful.

There are two things I'd like to talk about though, one being, "Tears leave my eyes, my mother's eyes, when she hears about her father." seems backwards to me in a way. I would suggest "When we hear about my father, tears leave our eyes" but that's if you don't mind conveying them crying before you say what they are crying about.
also, "but he left this world thanks to a mighty truck before she could." also seems a bit discombobulated to me. I would try "but he left before she could, thanks to a mighty truck."
Besides some punctuation however, you're doing great, and I hope to see more of your writing!

Liberty says...

Thanks for the review, Lily! <3 And he wasn't my father... My grand-uncle of a sort. :)

LilyPhelen says...

oh, looking back now that makes more sense. . . must of spaced it XD

Liberty says...

Lol xp

Whenever you find you are on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
— Mark Twain