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139,521 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
Hi! Oliver here to review.
The comma after 'since' is unnecessary and messes with the flow of the sentence.
Again, unnecessary commas. It messes with the flow of the sentence and makes it harder to read.
If they're toddlers, how tall can they be?
It's a big turn-off that the monster speaks in (what feels like incorrect) 'old English'. I get the vibe you're trying to go for and I appreciate it, but I'm not the biggest fan of it. Doesn't mean you have to get rid of it though!
Is there a part two planned for this? I hope so, otherwise the cliff hanger at the end is kind of frustrating.
Overall, this story's alright. It could use some more realistic dialogue and the description could be more detailed and spread out, but otherwise it's good.
Keep writing,
Ollie.
A lot of this description of Ash is unnecessary and doesn't make sense since the story is from Ash's point of view. As well, cramming it all into one paragraph is a bit info-dumpy and this would be better if it was spread out throughout the story. I don't need to know everything about Ash all at once.
Thanks for the review! I get the description thing - I'll fix it up. Also, have you not seen tall toddlers...? Like... not tall tall. But they look tall for their age. That type of toddler.
Again, I am so so sorry that I didn't pay attention to your guideline. I'm again, extremely sorry.
It's fine! Your story's actually pretty good, so it wasn't as boring for me to read as most fantasy is.
and about the toddlers... I mean, I guess? xD I've just never seen a toddler and thought "man that toddler's tall"
Thanks.
Have you for real never seen a toddler though...??
I love how real your characters are. In such a short amount of time you made us really care about them before killing them off in a beautifully mysterious way. Your narrative had us hooked form the start and you kept the tension going all the way through. I also really like how and when you used exposition. We found out more about this amazing world in a way that kept us wanting to know more and never disrupted the narrative, instead serving to move it along. All things considered, this is an amazing piece of art and I love it.
Aww, thanks! <3
Okay so first of all if your English teacher didn't give you an A+ than he is crazy because I love it. I love the way you expressed the witches feelings and it made me want to read more. As authors we want to engage the readers and you did that. I love how you used excellent imagery. i really enjoyed the story and I honestly hope you got an A . Good job and keep up the great work.
Thank you!!! That means a lot to me!!!