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by Lib

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Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
WinnyWriter
Review

Good work. :) The opening is kind of abrupt, so perhaps you could think about how to make it more smooth. Set the stage before throwing in the action. I'm bad at introductions in academic papers, so I know the struggle it can be to start off well. I'm not sure if it is best to start with a sentence with the verb phrase at the beginning. (There's a term for that, but I can't think of it. LOL)

I personally was a little confused by the relationship between Brit and Anthea, but perhaps you intend to show us more clarity in future chapters.It's like they're friends but they're not, and I couldn't tell whether they are supposed to be okay with each other or if your goal was to portray them as having a strained relationship. This may not necessarily be a bad thing, but it's what I saw. It could be used to your advantage if you work it right. You did well in explaining from the outset why their relationship was unusual, though.

Your cliffhanger is great! It keeps the reader interested in what will happen next, which (duh) is the obvious point of a cliffhanger, so I guess I didn't need to say that. :) Sounds like it will be a good story. Keep up the good work!:)

Thanks for the review, Winny! <3

User avatar
JabberHut
Review

HELLO! I saw your wallpost and had to come read this for some Unlucky 13 goodies!!

And let me tell you, that cliffhanger is SO MEAN.

I actually really liked the cliffhanger. For most of this segment, I wondered if there was a point to all of it, and I think you ended with just the right kind of shock. I didn't expect it at all! And now I have to decide if I have time to read the next part so I can get some resolution sooner. //cry

So going back to the beginning, I want to say that I like seeing Brad and Anthea's relationship, if only for a brief moment. There's a lot of love here that we could see despite the short time we see them together, and Anthea also shows a lot of concern for being alone for the next several days. This must be the first time Brad has gone on a business trip since Julia was born, which can be scary for new mothers! But I would think she'd have some comfort knowing she'd at least have some house staff. Clearly, they have a chauffeur at least! Perhaps there's also a lead maid here, or have they fired all their housing staff except the driver) already?

Brittney calling Anthea about being pregnant shows SO much trust between them, or at least it seems that way. I would have loved to get in on that conversation, whether it was a lie or not, because Anthea clearly came over to support Brittney during her third pregnancy. The whole point of coming over was to talk about the new baby, and I think it would be really fun insight to see how much detail Brittney can spin into this lie of hers! (Assuming it's a lie. I don't know what baby this would be if it were true.) It could also potentially give away her lie or provide more reason to trust the pregnancy story. :D

Little Carter and baby Julia is adorable. Sounds like Carter has SOME connection to Julia before they ever meet in Unlucky 13, which is really fun to think about. I did find it funny they were left in the entrance hall the whole time, though. XD Not even deposited in a living room or a kid's room!

Okay, I don't have much more to add. I'm just anxious about the next segmeeent. CLEARLY Brittney is behind this! We now get to see the hate side of this love-hate relationship! Which, I might add, I like what you're doing with this. This segment is all about how they're keeping up good relations despite their history to the point where the reader (myself) actually believes that yes, they are miraculously okay after everything. And NOW THERE'S A FIRE and I have SO MUCH DOUBT THAT EVERYTHING IS FINE.

HNNNNNG.

I think you may know what's going to happen next, but ohhhh wellll. We'll see. Thanks for the review!! <3 (:

User avatar
Raindeer
Review

Hey Liberty! I came here to read this instead of doing my Spanish homework. Reading this has been a lovely form of procrastination. ;p

So! I really enjoyed this ending. The dramatic cliffhanger ending on the "And all I saw was fire" really brought the chapter together, because we see how this day has just been so ordinary - maybe not completely ordinary with her husband leaving, but ordinary enough - and boom, she comes back to her house on fire.

So far, I'm wondering what this (and future parts?) is going to bring to the Julia-verse. We got almost all this information in Unlucky 13, just from the perspective of Julia listening to her mother. I hope with Anthea's POV we can learn a bit more behind-the-scenes drama that happens, besides what we already know from Unlucky 13!

I noticed lots of sentences starting with verbs, like

Humming a random tune, I called out for Maryssa


which I do enjoy, because it breaks from the normal form of "I did this" "I did this" "I did this", however I enjoy it more in moderation. Too many of these types of sentences give me the same problem I have with "I did this" "I did this" "I did this" - it makes it repetitive + stands out. For me, when something stands out too much, I get distracted from the story. So, I think a bit more varied sentences could help! Also, to break away from the whole retelling action of what "I" did, you can always describe something ("The trees were swirling in the wind") that adds something to the story.

Here's an example of a sentence I like a lot:

While I was changing her, up in the bathroom, I started thinking.



Lastly, I do like how you've set up this confusing relationship between Anthea and Brittany. They don't like each other, they like each other - it's good! It feels really realistic - we don't just have every single character getting along 100%, or every single character not getting along 100%. There's a breakage of the black and white!

Those are all my thoughts for this week. Keep LMSing!:D

~ EternalRain

Thanks for the review! There's gonna be a lot of behind the scene stuff, don't you worry. ;)



Everything has to be taken on trust; truth is only that which is taken to be true. It's the currency of living. There may be nothing behind it, but it doesn't make any difference so long as it is honoured. One acts on assumptions. What do you assume?
— Player (Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead by Tom Stoppard)