this piece moved me to tears i just peed myself
Was this censored by classified??
I'm so confused all I see is [DELETED] but people are putting down actual reviews and help O-O
Hiya, you join me on my quest to conquer the Oldest tab of the green room!Firstly, I think the interactions with the servant, Serinity, are initially a bit unrealistic. It may be that she's special, more than just a servant, but at first it just seems like Rachel is chatting away with a servant. Nobody noting that this is weird initially makes it feel a bit unrealistic.I haven't read the other chapters of course, so maybe the killed parents was an accident, but why have the children been sent to live with whoever was responsible for their parents' death? This seems psychologically damaging if nothing else.I like the relationship with the uncle, but I think some healthy show don't tell would be useful. There's a point where you list a whole bunch of his characteristics, just at the end of Chapter 19. But it would be more engaging to see these qualities develop and the relationship develop over time.I think forgetting her parents so quickly is a bit unrealistic. I get that there's meant to be a reason for it. Normally someone wouldn't forget so quickly but the point is that they're not really her parents. But people can think about people who've died for ages, even if they don't know them that well. I was in mourning for like a month when Chester Bennington from Linkin Park died.Additionally, Aunt Morina being her biological mother wouldn't make her forget the people who raised her. They must have spent lots of time together over the course of Rachel's life. If they've given her love, guidance, trust, support... I don't see why finding out they weren't her biological parents would matter so much. There's a lovely line in a show I like where the biological father of a girl says of the girl's stepfather: "I'm her father. Jimmy's her dad."I like the development of Reny settling in, if she's something other than a servant, as seems to be the case. I think it might be happening a bit fast though, maybe we could see some friendly interactions with other characters and understand other people's reasoning for accepting her as part of the family.The bit where she's starting to think of it as fact is great. That's a really interesting way of riffing off the words that have just been said and taking the reader by surprise.Hope this helps,Biscuits
Hey, it's me again. I've noticed that you haven't gotten any reviews, so I'll do my best. As I said before, I really like this. This keep getting more and more interesting! Especially the ending of this part. I realize this could sound really, really weird, but this part:"“Did the doctors tell you what happened yet?” I asked, changing the topic because it suddenly made me sad for some reason. He talked like he was my… father. He could never be. Knock it off, Rachel! Stop it. He frowned and shook his head, “They said they saw some signs of cancer, but they aren’t sure yet.” I panicked, Cancer? As in that horrible, deadly disease? It couldn’t be. I suddenly had an urge to go hug my uncle. He was so sweet, no one can take him away from me. I went and hugged him and when he saw a tear slip down my face, he got all sergeant-y and said, “Oh, Sergeant Rachel! We don’t let our companions ever get teary eyed. We are as tough as boulders! Nothing gets in our way. I repeat. Nothing.”I smiled, “Nothing.” And gave him one last hug before leaving."Is my favorite. I can't say why, it just is...
I love it!
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